How Long Should Ashley Madison Men Wait Before Following Up?

Man sitting and looking at his cell phone.
Photo by Wilfried Vowoto on Unsplash

What do you write to a lady who’s responded to your opening message but didn’t come back after your second?

My first and best advice is to wait a few days.

A client asked if I had some generic responses to go back with when a lady on Ashley Madison (AM) didn’t reply to his last message. I thought about it and then shot him two short responses. I also gave him some general ideas as to how long to wait before sending them.

After doing that, I started thinking about it a bit more.

Pressuring any woman you want to have sex with is a bad idea, but how do you ping them without making them think you’re Captain Desperado or a Needy Ned?

If she’s new to married dating, she’s had a million messages and is working through them until she realizes that’s a waste of time. If she’s been around a while, she’s either busy or chatting with someone — or several someones.

If you want to be one of those someones, you need to chill.

Is she using the app?

The first thing you should do is see if she’s been using the app while you were waiting. That will give you an idea about what’s going on.

Ashley Madison’s search function will tell you who’s used the app in the last 24 or 48 hours, so opening the search function from the Discover screen is the first step.


Screencap: Author from Ashley Madison Mobile App

Search Filters

Next, go to the “Search by Last Login” filter. Ashley Madison defaults the “Search by Last Login” field to “Anytime” and shows you any user in your search area who has ever had a profile, but that doesn’t tell you much.

Search by Last Login

Screencap: Author from Ashley Madison Mobile App

Select Past 24 Hours

Screencap: Author from Ashley Madison Mobile App

Hit “Apply” and see if she shows up. I like the last 24 hours because if she replied to you 36 hours ago, you’ll know she’s still checking out or chatting with other men.

What does this tell you?

1. DOES NOT appear in search in the past 24–48 hours

  • “Past 24 Hours” search return — She is too busy to check or is chatting with someone off-app. The first should be your working assumption.
  • “Past 48 Hours” — Again, it can mean she’s busy, or she’s more likely chatting with someone off-app. Why? Anyone can be off for 24 hrs, but when it goes longer, you can assume something else is attracting her attention.

To find one decent person, she usually needs to chat with three or four people. Because the AM’s chat function is clunky, she’ll probably leave the app once she narrows it down further.

Chatting off-app makes it easier to chat, swap sexy pics, and get to know someone a little better. It doesn’t mean that this guy is the one, but it does mean he might be.

Your job is to keep the door open!

Recommendation — chill

Don’t ever send more than one follow-up, and wait until either one of these has occurred:

  • Wait until 4 or 5 days pass
  • Not on a Saturday — she’s less likely to have time to respond, even if she wants to. If Saturday is day 5, send the Friday (Day 4). If Saturday is Day 4, send Sunday.

Send a Priority Message, so it appears at the top of her inbox, and so if she pops into her messages, she’ll see it.

You don’t want her to smell your desperation, but do let her know you’re still interested. And this way, if she’s busy with family or work, you don’t want to be a pest.


2. APPEARS in search over the past 24–48 hours

This one is a little more straightforward because you can see she’s on there. It probably means…

  • She didn’t see your reply because it got lost in her inbox
  • She’s too busy to reply but is still checking in
  • She’s focusing on someone else

Recommendation — also chill

As above, just wait and follow up with a Priority Message 4–5 days later. The best thing to do is just relax. You might get in her pants, but if you get bitchy, you’ll never get in her pants. I recommend leaving the door wide open for her to come back!

What do you write?

Depending on where your Day 4 or 5 falls, try something like this:

Early in the week (Monday or Tuesday)

Hi, checking in. I’ve had a busy start to the week, and I’m already looking forward to Friday. I hope yours started better than mine! Can you still remember your weekend?

Later in the week (Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday) —

Hi, checking in. I’ve had a busy week and looking forward to the weekend. I hope your week is going better than mine! Any plans for the weekend?

Later on Sunday —

Hi, checking in. I’ve had a busy weekend but had a chance to get some rest. I hope your weekend was quieter than mine! What did you get up to?

Ending a message with a question is a little Jedi trick that can leave her feeling obligated to respond. Asking about her weekend is a pretty tame way to lull her into a message exchange.

When do you write?

I’d recommend you send it near the end of the workday so that when she sits down in front of the TV after supper and opens AM, your message is sitting there waiting for her.


If you can get her chatting, you are on your way. There are no guarantees, but if she answered you once, there’s a good chance she’ll answer you again. The best thing you can do is not overwhelm her with messages, but send them strategically in a way that shows her you’re interested, but that you haven’t been counting the seconds.

And if it wasn’t to be, just let it lie there. I’d never recommend shutting a door because there’s always a chance she’ll come back. All bombing her with messages or coming back with a second one too quickly does is slam the door shut forever — and you’ll never get laid that way!

© Teresa J. Conway, 2022

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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