Men often don’t know how to approach a woman on a married dating app. Because of that, they either drop a generic greeting like “Hi” or “Hello” or go straight to sex. Both are turn-offs but for different reasons.
The generic greeting gives her nothing to respond to, which is a waste of her time. And the sexual stuff usually falls flat. As I’ve often written…
Everyone knows why they’re on the dating app, but that doesn’t mean she wants sex with you
That’s what you’ve got to convince her of.
How I Write Opening Messages for Clients
When I write messages for clients, I always go to the profile first to get an idea of what she might like to hear. I know that when your message falls between “hi” and “sex” on the spectrum, she’s more likely to be interested.
I also know every profile, no matter how scant, has a clue about approaching her. While she might not recall what she wrote, she’ll recall the feelings or sentiments she was experiencing when she wrote it, and my advice is to reflect it back at her.
My technique involves something similar to mirroring. Mirroring is the subconscious act of imitating the person you’re interacting with to build a trust bond.
I mirror the sentiment and feelings in the profile to subconsciously gain her trust.
Ultimately, I try to get the message recipient to think:
Hmmm, he seems like he’ll understand me because he has the same issues I do.
When that happens, she’ll be more likely to check out your profile to validate her thought, and perhaps even message.
10 Opening Messages That Work on Ashley Madison
Here are 10 profiles and the messages I wrote for different clients to give you an idea of what I do and what you can do too! Some have worked to get a chat going, and others have not, that’s life, but remember…
You’ll miss all the shots you don’t take, so go for it!
An oasis of my own
Profile — I lead a busy life with work and social connections but really appreciate downtime to do my own thing. Things are okay at home, but with covid and other stuff going on in the world today, I’d love to find a fantasy playmate with a sense of fun for occasional non-stressful get-togethers.
Comment — I focused on downtime and “get-togethers” in her profile. This lady isn’t bored, she’s looking for a naked distraction with a sexy friend.
Opening Message (OM) — An occasional stress-free get-together sounds perfect. I’ve been working from home forever and rarely get out to see friends. I need to carve out space for myself, and it would be great to do that with someone who would value the break too.
Lonely at home
Profile — Seeking friendship with someone who is able to get away evenings or weekends. I am a lonely professional who enjoys great conversation and good laughs. Please do not contact me if sex is your priority.
Comment — Here, I zeroed in on loneliness within a marriage.
OM — It’s amazing how lonely you can be in a marriage. I’m not sure where it goes wrong exactly, but once the kids grew up there wasn’t much left. Check out my profile and let me know if you’d like to chat more.
Spontaneous
Profile — I’m looking for a man who I can be spontaneous with. I love someone who can make me laugh 🙂 I definitely want someone that is open to trying new things and having fun at the same time. Yet, also taking control of me and watch as I enjoy every minute of it.
Comment — I focused on spontaneous and laugh. I tried to keep the message light and fun. Looking at it now, though, I’d say it’s a sentence too long.
OM — Hi, Chrissy! I’m not exactly sure what you mean by spontaneous, but I’m goofy, so does that work? I’m also confident I can give you something to laugh at because I never take myself too seriously when I’m trying new things with the right lady. What’s the point of having an affair if you don’t go after the things you’ve always wanted to try? If I wanted stale crackers, I could have those at home, once every few months or so, whether I wanted them or not. Have a look at my profile and message me if you’d like to learn more about how I’ll make you regret asking me to make you laugh.
Grammar girl
Profile — I can be spicy or pretty chill, depending on the situation. I do not want to change your situation or mine. Looking for a level-headed friend in the same mundane situation that I can get to know, enjoy spending time with when we can, and share intimate parts of ourselves with the excitement of seeing each other again.
Please no drama or games.
Know the difference between discreet and discrete.
Comment — You see discreet misused a lot on Ashley Madison, so I thought I’d play with that, using both discreet (quiet/secret) and discrete (single/unique event in a series) in the response.
OM — Hi MJ! You had me at discreet! God, I laughed. I cringe every time I see someone use discrete instead. However, I do like the idea of discreetly meeting someone over a series of discrete encounters to share some ongoing intimacy with. Please have a look at my profile and let me know what you think!
Kindred spirits
Profile — My eyes are wide open for kindred spirits as I am always looking for a connection with others. I’d love to have a partner to engage in the many fun and interesting aspects of life and just to get to know and reach that deep comfort level called intimacy.
Comment — The phrase kindred spirit stood out, so I tried to be empathetic in the response to show my client was a kindred spirit too.
OM — Hey Rider! You sound like my sort of person. I like to have fun in everything I do because otherwise, what’s the point? Some have called me goofy, and I can live with that. I’m looking for someone I can connect with and get to know on a deeper level. I’m missing intimacy in my life and would like to rediscover it with a kindred spirit. Please look at my profile and let me know if I might be the right person for you!
Listen to my words!
Profile — Can I start by saying I cannot meet daytime do to my work commitment but can meet evenings and overnights. I am a very honest (I know honest do me a favour you are on a dating site for married people looking forward illicit encounters) professional married woman working now in [town name] but live [in another town] area who is looking for a like-minded male to join her on this journey. My photo is not on here for obvious reasons. My hobbies include playing hockey, horse riding and watching Rugby and watching and attending F! races going out with friends and socializing I have a very bubbly character.
So what do i look for in a man? well i like a man to be able to laugh at himself not just at others, someone who is chilled and likes time at home with a log fire burning and a bottle of red. But also likes to socialise. Some have said I am quite blunt, I believe I am but better to be blunt than lead someone on. I have had some experiences on here. If everyone liked everyone life would be pretty boring. If you wish to just chat I suggest you find yourself a pen pal as that is not why I am here. I am sure there are plenty of women that are bored and that is all they wish to do, but I am afraid I am not one of those.
Also logistics, please guys before you message me think about where you are and the logistics of meeting. My private plane is not always ready to take me out of the country. No point in wasting your time as well as mine. But if you have got to this point in reading my profile then why not come and say hi. You might be surprised.
Comment — This lady is to the point, so I replied in kind by letting her know how my client matched her.
OM — Hi Tina! First off, let me say that it’s a joy to read a woman’s profile that says something. I’m not big on a lot of talk, but I prefer it straight, so it sounds like we’d hit it off. I’m not looking for a pen pal but for someone who wants to connect in person to get what I’m missing. You mentioned logistics, so I thought I’d say I live separately from my partner, so I am available to host from time to time. Again, I think we’d hit it off, so please have a look at my profile and let me know what you think.
A lady of few words
Profile — Fun loving and Friendly
Comment — Shorter profile write-ups are harder to message effectively because they don’t point in any particular direction. In this case, I usually go to her profile handle to see if there’s something there I can use along with the two concepts she wrote about — fun-loving and friendly.
OM — Hello Starshine! I love that handle, as it makes for a great greeting! I’m looking for a friendly someone to share some fun quiet time with. A medical situation on my partner’s side has robbed us of this, and I’m looking to recover some of what I’ve lost. Please have a look at my profile and let me know if you’d like to chat!
Wanting adventure
Profile — Looking for some new adventures. I like to have fun with drama less and open-minded people. Ready to discover new boundaries, and share these adventures with someone respectful and discreet.
Comment — New adventures stood out, so went with that and journey and other words to suggest my client wanted to take a trip with her.
OM — Hello Sofia! You’re not alone in wanting new adventures or having fun. I love a good laugh, and although I’m quiet at first, once I get rolling, it’s hard to stop. I’m new to this and looking to push the boundaries as I undertake this journey with the right lady. So please check out my profile and let me know if you’d like to chat!
No blah blah blah please
Profile — I could say the same thing everyone says “not looking to change…blah blah blah” but I believe that is a given. Looking for an intelligent man who is career-focused and can manage intellectual banter as well as enjoy dinner or lunch with a healthy side of laughter. I find small talk more “blah, blah, blah” so if all you have to lead with is “how was your day?” I’m going to need more. Not looking for hookups and would say I am not looking to settle but want to find someone I honestly enjoy spending time with.
Comment — I liked this one because she tells men what not to do if they want to catch her eye. I play on the old throwaway line “not looking to change your situation or mine” but affirming that I do want to change part of it. She’s looking for intelligence, so flipping that one on its head and passing it back to her was where I was going here.
OM — Hey Jane! I’m looking to change my situation — I’ve been trapped in my dead bedroom long enough and need a day pass. Am I looking to change my life? No, I can’t afford that, lol. You’re right tho, everyone here says the same thing. Seriously, if I wanted to change my “situation”, I’d call a divorce lawyer, not come here. Anyway, it’s a total coincidence, but just like you say in your profile, I, too, eat food and laugh! So we’re probably the perfect match for the secret friendship we’re seeking. If you’d like to chat, let me know!
Looking for a connection
Profile — Stuck in a marriage that isn’t fulfilling my needs, beyond just physical. The physical side is severely lacking but I need to have a connection with someone in order to take it to the next level. I am worth the risk. I’m genuinely sweet and not looking for games. I’m not looking to meet a lot of people here. I’m wanting someone I can trust, someone that has as much to lose as I do. Please be real.
Must be local, non-smoker, clean/have great hygiene (can’t believe I have to even say that), and be a good human! Also, don’t grant me access to your pics if the only pic you have is a dick pic! That’s important but not the main reason I’m here. Keep it tucked away until the right time. 😉
Comment — When I read “connection,” what I’m seeing is someone who wants to meet a person they’d see more than once. The connection isn’t a deep and everlasting love but is more like friendship. I also threw in a bit of humor to show her my client’s fun side.
OM — Hi Stuck, I feel the same way you do, and I agree the fulfillment I’m looking for goes beyond the physical. I understand why a connection is essential, and I’m willing to put the time in to get there. And you’re right, it’s crucial we both have something to lose to ensure our safety, but more importantly, I’m seeking that level of trust to make this possible.
I believe you when you say you have to mention hygiene, sadly, but mine’s good. I’m local, don’t smoke, and my dick is too camera-shy to get a good pic, so don’t worry about that. Check out my profile, and let me know if you’d like to chat!
Takeaway
When you look at her profile, take a step back and think about what sort of person she is. Think about what idea or image about herself she’s trying to communicate. Taking that, find a keyword she’s used or the sentiment she’s expressing and respond to that using similar words, ideas, or sentiments. Stay positive and try to add a little humor. If you can make her smile while she’s looking at her phone, you are moving in the right direction.
When I write the messages, I pass them through a grammar checker to make sure they’re up to snuff as well. You don’t want a typo throwing you off your game, do you?
Now, I might make this look easy, but know it can be daunting. I write and edit for a living, and have written hundreds of messages for men, so I’m pretty good at it as well. But don’t let that worry you! Take your time, think about what she said, and go for it — you might surprise yourself!
© Teresa J. Conway, 2022
