Redditors Talk Feels After First Cheat

Photo by Fernando Brasil on Unsplash

If you want to keep your finger on the pulse of Adulteryland, Reddit’s r/adultery is where to look. There are 129K members there, all interested in one thing — cheating.

This Redditor had never crossed the line, but had cheated online and was wondering what was on the other side of the looking glass.

Here’s what he had to say —

I don’t mean like feelings of regret, or anything like that. Did you feel justified after the fact? Did your desire to cheat increase? Decrease?

Let me explain why I ask. I’ve been on this journey since maybe 2018. Other than meeting one potential AP for coffee (who then promptly ghosted me lol), I’ve only ever had online AP’s. I stuck with that for a while because I thought that would be enough to quench my need to seek satisfaction outside of my marriage. But now, I feel like that’s not doing enough for me and I’m ready to take the plunge of finally meeting people in person, if I can, and I find myself wondering how I’m going to feel after it finally happens.

Am I going to feel a desire to end my marriage? Am I going to get it out of my system? Obviously, the way anyone else is affected has no bearing on how I will feel, but I am curious about the breadth of experiences people here have had after finally pulling the trigger in person for the first time. Thank you, and good luck everyone!

And Reddit responded —

Redditor — I felt good! No guilt and completely justified after years of being denied that basic human need. But that’s me…I feel like there are as many reasons and reactions to doing this as there are individuals doing it.

Redditor — Exhilarated, because I had confirmation that I was still beautiful and wanted.

Redditor — Felt alive. Loved it. No guilt.

Redditor — This will depend on your situation. Of all the people I’ve chatted with through the years as APs or pAPs only two said they cried afterwards. The rest wrestled with their issues and either justified or compartmentalized. I will say it can make you want it more after you have that first real fling. Be careful because once you do it you can’t undo it.

Your Faery Godmother of Adultery’s observation (FGM)  I agree; you can’t unfuck someone, but having sex with one or twenty amounts to the same crime, so if you can get over the first one, the second is so much easier.

Redditor — Different situations different feelings. I absolutely would give the flirting the attention the ass kissing a “10”. The sex once we got down to it. A “2”. Sone of the worst sex I ever had, so it definitely made it feel like a complete waste of time and effort

FGM  —  Practice makes perfect sweetie!

Redditor — The next day I felt mentally ill — like I’d been hit by a train, thousands of thoughts just racing through my mind. It faded away after a day or two and the next time seeing him I didn’t have the same over-the-top reaction, it was just excitement and joy. Nothing negative attached to it.

FGM  — See, nothing to worry about!!

Redditor — I wished I had done it sooner instead of waiting so long.

Redditor — I finally felt alive again. After years of feeling numb, I felt alive.

Redditor — Honestly, I felt sexually satisfied. There was no guilt, regret, anxiety, fear, or any of that. It was a very pleasing, simple sex act. Well technically two acts, but who’s counting.

Redditor — Didn’t regret it at all, and still don’t! Almost feel guilty for not feeling guilty! Don’t be surprised if that is how you feel. Lol

FGM  —  It’s scary how little guilt a person can feel.

Redditor — I think it’ll depend on your situation. You’ll feel guilty if your situation isn’t so bad. But if you’ve been denied your needs for some time and it’s something you do need, you won’t feel much guilt.

Redditor — I felt extremely guilty afterward. Yet I also felt compelled to continue to explore further. It was really tough to reconcile those two thoughts for the first few months because I hadn’t sought [an affair] out. I met someone at work who knocked me off my feet.

Redditor — I felt disgusted. Sick to my stomach that I did something that someone did to me. Like I sunk to their level. But then I did it again and again to the ones that never did anything to me.

FGM —  The draw is very strong once you’ve had a taste.

Redditor — At first I felt a lot of guilt but I was able to compartmentalize after a bit after I realized that life was too short to deny this amazing connection with someone like this. Make sure you’re ready though like others have said you can never close that door.

FGM —  No, I don’t think you can shut the door.

Redditor — I felt great and continued.

Redditor — It felt great, no guilt. I still don’t feel any.

FGM  —  I felt wonderful! My feet didn’t touch the ground for a week! I wanted more and more, and no, it didn’t make me want to end my marriage. I went without for nine years. I don’t think the online stuff would have ever floated my boat.


And there you have it! Sure, there are bad feels sometimes, but most people get over it, and others? Well, they never really have them.

The comment about getting confirmation about being beautiful and still wanted was powerful for me. Going so long without does things to your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth that you couldn’t imagine until you’ve experienced it. From that first cheat, I was hooked, and I would have died inside without it.

© Teresa J. Conway, 2022

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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