His homework was to look at cheating through a woman’s eyes to gain perspective
One of the first things I told Charles to do was open a female account on Ashley Madison. I gave him two tasks while he explored his female persona. The first was to assess men’s profiles looking for the good, the bad, and the ugly so he could see how he measured up. The second was to have a look at the messages he was receiving. It’s one thing to write messages and send them off into the darkness and quite another to compare twenty or thirty to begin to understand what quality looks like.
What follows is Charles’ impressions from looking at AM from a woman’s perspective.
Single guys on AM
I’m shocked how many single guys there are on the site. With an open schedule and their place, I definitely feel at a disadvantage. So why are you here and not on Tinder, Tinder Ladies, just too clingy for you? With Their dreams of house and home. Or are you really married and just lying about it? Hold your head high, Charles. There’s a reason these guys are single. Can you say mommy issues?
There are advantages to single men, but they are outweighed by the disadvantages. The biggest one is that if they get the wrong idea about your relationship, they might blow up your life. I avoid singles, and you should too.
Assessment? They aren’t a credible threat to worry about.
Message volume
I was also shocked by the volume of messages; I was kind of already prepared for this, but I could see how a woman would never actually even need to go to the Discovery tap (the place where you search profiles). The message tab would have enough for you to process all by itself. I must admit some of these guys are pretty smooth, and yes, I’m taking notes. Clearly, I need to up my game.
The first message is essential. As she scans her messages, she will only see the first five or six words, so those need to draw her in. Smooth is perfect — if she reads it. Focus on the first five words.
Searching for men
Alright, so I thought I’d be able to see my real male profile relatively easily. However, I was quite wrong. I spent about 20 minutes searching, and then only after giving very specific criteria did I ever find it. My female profile would have never found me not in a hundred years.
I’m not sure how many women go searching out men. If you live in a reasonably small city, there’s a good chance anyone in your search area has already messaged you, so there’s no need. Charles makes a good point here, though. A woman can use the “Discover” tool to pick out the exact man she’s looking for. Height, weight, age, distance away. That’s a pretty powerful tool — and is why I’ll tell anyone who will listen that if she says she wants x,y, and z in a man, have x,y, and z, or don’t bother wasting your messages on her.
Access revoked!
Ouch! That hurt my feelings!! I really feel like some of these gentlemen are using the access revoked option as a way of punishing you for not responding fast enough or at all, basically weaponizing the Access revoked feature. I think if I use this feature in the future, I will send a little note saying I’m not trying to be mean.
Or better yet, Charles, just don’t use it. If you give her your pictures, let her keep them. Don’t be a knob, and don’t waste money on a message. Consider this — if she saw your pictures and was interested, she’d have messaged, right? However, let her keep her access because why would you shut that door?
Never shut a door.
Automatic replies
Okay, so I got myself in a little bit of trouble with the Quick reply setting. I didn’t understand that it would send a message on my behalf under certain conditions. Also, by checking a profile and reading messages, I believed I triggered several messages to this man indicating interest.
Immature male reactions
When it became clear to him that I wasn’t going to play his game. He verbally assaulting me. He called me a fat slut and more.
I seriously consider finding a way to kick this guy’s ass. If I didn’t think I’d get outed in the process, I probably would. This is completely unacceptable behaviour. Listen, buddy, I know you’re having a rough time here, and I’m sorry about the $2.70 you spent, but there’s a real person on the other end of this screen, I am used to rejection, but you legitimately hurt my feelings, stop it.
It’s easy to get frustrated on AM. I get that. A guy could spend hundreds and get nothing, but what would you get for name-calling? Nothing. Keep it polite and leave the door open.
Dic pics
So this was an entertaining experience. I managed to view my first Dick Pic. Full disclosure I had a pretty good idea what would happen when I clicked on the explicit content button, but it was still a bit of a surprise. This gentleman was fairly average, so it makes me wonder why you would actually post that.
I don’t often open pictures because of this. Honestly, I wouldn’t have any dic pics in my profile. Or gym pics, or bathroom selfies, or fish holding pictures. Or pictures where you have cropped your wife out — yes, I’ve seen that one…
Overall point of view
Closing thoughts. I would say about 50% of the profiles really need help, lots of bad photos that weren’t hidden. (not worried about getting caught?), Badly written profiles (Sort of like mine before my makeover). Then there was a top 10% that were extremely well polished. Also, some of the guys’ messages were quite captivating short, and cute. Another area I need to sharpen my pencil and get to work on.
I agree. There are some smooth operators out there. You need a good write-up, good pictures, and good messaging at this stage of the game. Your stats also play a role, and how you tie all this together will determine your level of success.
Takeaway
Charles is doing his homework and studying his environment from the opposite side. In the security business, this sort of thing is called red teaming. It’s about building up a picture of the threats (the other men) by studying their techniques and tactics. You then use what you’ve learned about your threat to improve yourself.
In this case, every successful man on the site takes one or more women out of the pool for a while, making life harder for you if you aren’t as competitive. So figure out what success looks like, emulate it, and get ahead of the game.
Here’s what Charles learned in the first 30 days —The First 30 Days on Ashley Madison: A Male Perspective
Without question, the boys have it roughmedium.com
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© Teresa J Conway, 2021
By Teresa J Conway on .
Exported from Medium on April 8, 2021.
