But what turtle ever sees its tail?
I try to respond to my comments because I value the feedback, whether good or bad. Writing should be thought-provoking and challenge norms so disagreement is inevitable.
Often though, in our disagreements, we reveal things about ourselves that we may not see about ourselves. That shouldn’t come as a surprise, because as Lexy LVMEB47 pointed out in the original thread, a turtle can’t see its tail any more than we can see our flaws.
The comment I’ve captured below is a perfect example, because it says more about the commenter than I think he intended.
I’m reposting here because I wondering if anyone else sees what I see?
His comment was in response to this —Under-Appreciation Is the #1 Reason Men Are Likely to Cheat
Like a dog, men need a pat on the head to feel worthwhilemedium.com
The comment
Here’s what he wrote, and please ignore the errors, we all have fat thumbs and I didn’t post it to make fun of him for that—
So I’ve read these responses to what began like a positive post/article that I wanted to share with my SEVERELY under-appreciative wife and ended as a post that I felt was the prelude to a “How to Cheat” manual FOR WOMEN [I guess he hasn’t read much of my work, or my book with that title].
Which it turns out, IT IS! Say what you wish, label me how you want, but I am just past 50, have ALWAYS, my entire life been successful with females, was a college athlete, voted Homecoming KING of my college, etc., blah, blah.
So I mention these things NOT to go fishing for praise from strangers; I’m not putting out a new album or starring in a big box-office film soon. I am interested in the Psychology here. I’m good to my wife and at my middle-age I can STILL say that I have NEVER ONCE cheated on a relationship. That’s Not a bit of “word trickery” either; I’m simple saying it that way because I mean to say that if I ever called a girl or woman my girlfriend and myself her boyfriend, I have ALWAYS been faithful and monogamous.
Oddly enough, although some said that I was too dominant and that “I had her living in MY world” my first of two wives cheated on me after “allowing me” to pay for everything while she earned a Doctorate in — of all things — Psychology.
Yeah, HE attended the graduation, not I. So… alright, that’s over and long done with. So as men are usually pointed at as so-called pigs” and cheaters, why do I know roughly (roughly) 10 such cases of infidelity since, say serious relationships in college and beyond, and all of the thousands from public figures, but those I know personally show that the WOMAN has a FAR, FAR looser zipper on her pants than does any guy.
By roughly 8 woman vs. 2 guys out of 10. And I am AGAIN in a marriage, this time with a VEEEERY argumentative wife, multiple times BOSSIER, and this time, even emasculating and belittling.
I DO KNOW WHO I AM. An Entrepreneur, socially at-ease and gifted, funny, Very athletic (until injury), and humbly speaking, I swear, handsome — I’m told, and have been since grade school. That, by the way, forced ME to focus intensely on developing my substance, intelligence and quality of character.
So, please, it’s okay; I invite you… please tell me, what gives?
Here’s what gives
My response, which I’ve also slightly edited (for the unedited version, see here) was this:.
When a person divorces once, it could have been anyone’s fault. When a person has divorced twice and struggles with a third marriage, it makes me wonder what it is about that person.
I’ve read the Medium comments and claps you’ve made since 2015 to get an idea of who you are. It seems you hold people to a very high account for their words and actions. You blame the poor in Chicago for defacing the excellent infrastructure you helped build them and conflated that with Syrian refugees, without acknowledging racism could have been a factor in the poverty you witnessed.
You argued and criticized the female author for her grammar. You were also upset with another female author when you thought she deleted your response to her article on the word fuck. However, as I read both, she hadn’t done that, which means you had an unwarranted yet extreme reaction to an event you didn’t thoroughly investigate. You also took the time to point out the sport analogy errors in another article, despite agreeing with it.
To me, your comments make you seem disagreeable and judgemental.
In December 2019 and onward, I noticed you started clapping for articles relating to sexuality, relationships, and advice on pleasing women, making me believe that’s when this latest trouble started creeping into your new relationship.
You describe your wife as argumentative, bossy, and emasculating. You were upset that a previous wife brought another man to her graduation for a degree you paid for.
You describe yourself in flattering terms, and in looking at your picture, I see that you are attractive. That you felt you had to tell me you didn’t mention the things you said for praise is noteworthy. It is as if you expected the mere invocation of a long since gone Home Coming crown would somehow move me to lose my pretty head. That’s not a criticism, but an observation — you seem to place a great deal of value on your worth, which seems to say — “I’m the perfect catch, why would anyone cheat on me?”
You remark — oddly enough some said that I was too dominant and that “I had her living in my world.”
That is telling. You state it but don’t seem to believe it. What this statement says to me is you think you’ve given women everything they’ve wanted, yet they resent you for it. Have you ever considered that you are too overwhelming? Could you be suffocating women by reminding them what you offer?
In my minimal view of your life from the outside, you seem to offer a lot to attract women. However, once they are inside, it seems the picture becomes quite different, and they have difficulty living with you because you do dominate them with your self-proclaimed attributes.
At first, I’m sure it seems flattering, but then, likely very soon after marriage, it turns into control, and then suppression. I suspect you do this by insisting you are right — even when you aren’t — and failing to listen to them, but dismissing and criticizing them for minor things that you then use to invalidate their premise. You call your new wife argumentative but is she really, or just insistent you listen to her?
There’s a reason she hasn’t been giving you sex and criticizing you when you do over these last 12–18 months. What do you think it is? Are you trying to dominate her, and she’s refusing to play the game by your rules?
That you would think showing your wife this article would be helpful is also a sign of a deeper issue. You don’t feel appreciated, and yes, that is why some men step out, but the only reason to show someone this article would be to say — “you better appreciate me or else!”
Let’s say the article didn’t take the turn you thought it would, and you felt you could share it with her? How would you see that play out? If she has emasculated you, as you’ve said, she would scoff at the gesture and laugh at you.
What I can’t see is any woman saying — “oh, sorry dear, is that the way you feel? I’ll change it because I don’t want you to have an affair?” Honestly, she would tear you to shreds.
Now, let me tell you why I think you believe there’s a 4:1 ratio of female to male cheaters. The traditional numbers say men cheat more often than women, and that is undoubtedly the common belief. The current thinking is men and women cheat in equal proportions, and I tend to believe that.
Your experience has given you a different idea that is neither supported in traditional nor current thought on cheater frequency by sex. Don’t believe me, but look at the data. Your numbers aren’t supported statistically.
I think that’s because of two things. Firstly, men who are cheated on tend to seek comfort from other men who’ve been cheated on, which skews the data in favor of non-cheating men who were cheated on. Meaning your data is not based on a random sample but heavily tainted by your bias and affiliation. I notice you clapped for one of Greyson Ferguson’s articles — a man who made himself out to be a famous cuckold.
The second reason, and the one you are unlikely to accept, is you and your conduct likely contribute to the spousal cheating you’ve experienced. As such, you may be experiencing higher infidelity levels than other men because while you can attract women, you aren’t good at keeping them.
Read my article — The Women Who Cheat to Leave. Not all women can simply say — “I’m done,” and then leave. Some subconsciously find the exit in the arms of another man. It isn’t an honorable exit, but it is an exit. For some men, the only way they will let a woman go is if she’s tainted by adultery. It gives him an excuse to get rid of her, allowing him to save face, and she gets to leave.
To summarize — you associate with men who’ve been cheated on, and women cheat to leave your dominant personality.
If you are still here, do you want some good news? Your current wife is pushing back and putting you in the place she thinks you should be in. In being argumentative, she shows you where the boundaries are, and it stings you because you don’t know how or want to stay inside them. She seems bossy to you because you are the one used to giving the orders. She emasculates you because you perceive her as dominant, whereas you feel that’s the man’s role.
Your other women cheated and left you because of your dominance. You didn’t mention that she’s cheated, so she probably hasn’t. And that’s the good news.
I’d recommend you stop trying to play the big man, stop telling her how good, and smart, and handsome and intelligent and whatever else you think you are as your way to show her how lucky she is, and start listening to her.
If you want to keep her or any other woman.
It’s not her or them — it’s you. Start with yourself if you want to fix your relationship problems.
Conclusion
This man’s pain is real, but he can’t see how he contributes to marital breakdown. His pain has led him to wrongly conclude not only his ex-wives were the problem, but that all women are the problem where cheating is concerned. I can see why he might feel that way, but the probability of it being bad luck on his part diminishes with each relationship.
I’m not going to excuse the cheating, but I think it’s a symptom of the bigger problem. His wives are unhappy with him, and unhappy people often react in some negative way. Adultery is just one. Self-harm, eating disorders, self-medication, and shopping addictions are other ways unhappy people try to treat their problems.
When sex is involved though, the first thing we do is blame the cheater, no matter the circumstances because there’s no sympathy for cheating. Because of that, the causes are often left unexamined. In this commenter’s case, he’s left ample room to explore that space, and I think it was worthwhile, if only he’d believe it.
His current approach isn’t working for him, so my only advice is to look at himself unless he wants to relive this pattern again and again.
Are you thinking about stepping out? Check out the Adultery Academy and follow our 12 guided lessons with articles that walk you through the birth, life, and death of an affair —Welcome to the Adultery Academy!
If you’re thinking about cheating, you’ve come to the right place.medium.com
Join my email list — HERE for exclusive access to me directly. Ask questions, hear about what I’m up to, and get pdf copy of my ebook for free —How to Cheat — Field Notes from an Adulteress
Why I wrote a book on cheating.medium.com
© Teresa J. Conway, 2020
By Teresa J Conway on .
Exported from Medium on April 8, 2021.
