As my fifth anniversary of cheating approaches, I wonder where I’d be if I hadn’t cheated. I know I’d be miserable and depressed and filled with the self-loathing that consumed me before I stepped out. I say that because I don’t think anything would have gotten better.
Would I have come to peace with it? I doubt it because all menopause did was make me hornier. Some days, sex is all I think about, but getting sex on the regular has quieted my urges.
But who knows? Before I cheated I just wanted my desire to wither and die, and perhaps that would have been best.
This thread on the r/adultery sub-reddit gave me a chance to think about it. The question was —
“If you could go back in time, knowing what you know now, would you still choose to have or start the first affair you had? Why or why not?”
The Path of Personal Growth
Some folks found that their affairs led to a deeper understanding of themselves. They discovered unhappiness in their existing relationships and the courage to seek joy and fulfillment. AmyIsFun36 shared, “My affair during my marriage helped me discover so much about myself. And that I really was unhappy at home.” Echoing this sentiment, WiscoDJ920 found affirmation and regained self-esteem through the affair, realizing they were still desirable and capable of love.
But it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. Personal growth can sometimes lead to painful realizations and difficult choices. Ezypeezylemonsqueezy chimed in with a perspective of newfound self-awareness, sharing, “I feel like for the first time in my adult life I know who I am. Even if things don’t work out long term with AP [affair partner], I feel like I have a second chance at life.”
Self-discovery alone on path that brings both joy and sorrow, leading to self-acceptance and understanding, is worth it, I think. It was for me.
The Heartbreak and Regret
Some looked back wishing they could undo the choices that led to heartbreak and regret. The broken hearts left after an affair can be too much to bear. Environmental_bat_1 expressed deep regret, stating, “No. I would have ignored the text and never started up. The juice wasn’t worth the squeeze and then I wouldn’t have been heartbroken.”
It’s a tough wake-up call, a reminder that the road less traveled can sometimes lead to sorrow. Burnt_Rocket shared this — “The only thing that would stop me is that my kids wouldn’t exist if I’d chosen differently.”
Can you imagine? I wouldn’t give up my kiddos either, but would I have sought out an affair to have them? I wouldn’t have. My affair is for me.
Wouldn’t Change a Thing
Others acknowledge every step, including the missteps shaped them into the person they are today. This is more how I would describe myself and my ride. It has helped me in so many ways I couldn’t give it up.
How could I? I love Teresa J. Conway more than anyone else. She’s given me the life I’d never let myself have.
Some in the chat wouldn’t change a thing, cherishing the exhilarating and terrifying moments alike. Valuable-Cheetah-157 summed it up nicely, “Unpopular opinion but I don’t think I’d change anything about the trajectory of my life because I wouldn’t be who I am now, or where I am now.”
Welcoming the good, the bad, and the ugly, with open arms is the way to go. There’s nothing after this.
HisPerfectionShines added this regret, “I would have never chosen the fruit I am currently married to in the first place to wait for the right fruit to come along.”
I feel this so much. I was lonely and afraid of being alone with myself. Now, it’s different, but then? I needed someone to hang onto and I took the first offer that came along. I love my husband, don’t doubt that. We are friends and considerate toward each other, but in my heart of hearts I know I shouldn’t have married him.
Undo the Marriage, Not the Affair
Lastly, we have a group that takes it a step further back. If given a chance, they would choose not to get married at all, rather than avoiding the affair. This is likely more of where I’d wish my life to go.
tawjustforyou mused, “If we can go back in time, I’m not going back to before affairs, I’m going back to before getting married.”
When it comes to lifelong commitments it’s best to truly understand yourself and your desires before saying “I do.” I think kids see that these days, and I’m jealous.
ea2358 added, “Yes I can’t imagine my life without my AP at this point.” And neither can I.
Choices and consequences. That’s how it goes
Takeaways
Not surprisingly, many in the discussion found that their affairs led them to discover things about themselves they might not have seen without it. I know I understand my true self better.
There was regret, too, with a helping of pain and heartbreak on the side. My regret is having to live my best life in the shadows.
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