What do you do when you don’t plan on having consensual sex with a stranger but do anyway? How do you feel about it afterward? Anger? Shame? Regret? Self-loathing is the go-to emotion for women after enjoying illicit sex, but it doesn’t have to be like that. This issue came up in a discussion I had with a new adulteress who reached out.
I talk to a lot of people about adultery and the sex-related to it because I’m interested in helping them. I’m never judgemental, which helps, and when it’s relevant, I like to share those chats because sometimes others may have the same questions.
The lady is a to cheating and got in touch after reading some of my work. Most of our discussion revolved around elements of my book, How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, and I’ve coached her through her first few dates.
The other night we discussed a date that didn’t go the way she’d planned and she was upset. She’d planned not to have any sexual touching on their first meet, communicated that to her friend, but they did anyway and she regretted it.
We chatted about why she felt the way she did and then she came to some surprising conclusions about why she’d regretted it.
Follow our chat as she explains —
Lady A, Hi FGM
Your Faery Godmother of Adultery (YFGM), Hey! What’s up?
Lady A, Not much hanging out. Just saying hey
YFGM, Chatting with anyone?
Lady A, Well yes, and had a meet today
YFGM, Oh. What sort?
Comment — there are three types of meets: the first meet up to see if you like each other, the first sex date, and then all subsequent dates with that person.
Lady A, He’s a young one… hot to trot and ready to go. But…he was pushy, and I didn’t like that. Car…first meet up was in a parking lot
YFGM, Yeah, best to let the lady call the pace of the first meet
Lady A, Well. He pushed. I had fun…don’t get me wrong, but he should have backed off. So, I told him that very clearly when I got home. If it’s not on my time and pace, then it’s not happening
YFGM, Good. What did he do? Was he trying to get something more?
Lady A, Yes, he wanted me to make him come
YFGM, Oh, that’s a little forward. I mean, yeah, who likes that?
Lady A, I got to see in person what his pics showed. And then he asked if I would make him come
YFGM, So — here’s my cock, jerk me off? Smooth 😂
Lady A, No…we chatted for a long bit before he showed me how hard he was. He’s like 34…young, and arrogant. He didn’t force me to do anything. It wasn’t like that. But he should have respected my wishes not to do anything like that in the car. I could have left the car anytime. I was not in danger.
Comment — She had set boundaries, he pressed, she went along with it, but he didn’t force her. My impression is that she could have said no and he would have respected that, which is good.
YFGM, I get it, but still too forward
Lady A, So my message to him tonight was don’t do that again. We’ll see where this goes. If he tries to go against my wishes again, I’m gone
YFGM, Did you jerk him off?
Lady A, Yeah, but after he made me come. Which he just did…he didn’t ask…
Lady A, Huh
Lady A, K…I’m not sure how I feel now
Lady A, Like it, was intense and passionate but fuck he didn’t ask me
Lady A, Shit
YFGM, How did you feel at the time?
Lady A, Well, I did not mind my hand on his cock
YFGM, There are two ways to gain consent — explicitly or implicitly
Lady A, I also didn’t mind when he started going in for access, to get under the clothes
YFGM, That is implicit or implied consent
Comment — Implicit consent is when a party does something that the other party doesn’t object to in word or action. It’s tricky because the other person could later claim they were too afraid to act, and that’s where the trouble is. Explicit consent involves clearly expressed intentions and verbal responses.
Lady A, I liked it. I’d have stopped him if not. K, I think what is bothering me the most is I told myself I wouldn’t go down on him
Comment — In this response, I started to see that the problem was her feeling like she let herself down because she did something she said she wouldn’t.
YFGM, If you do want them to verbalize, you could lead the discussion.
Lady A, After I came…I did.
YFGM, You were in the moment
Lady A, Yes. So now I’m mad
YFGM, And it felt good, didn’t it? Don’t be mad.
Lady A, But mostly at myself
YFGM, I know, but don’t be. If you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t have
Lady A, No. As I said, it was not forced. It’s a pet peeve when people try to change my mind. I do so on my own time. So that is what I told him. Not to rush me
YFGM, You’re the only one who can change your mind. And you’re allowed to change it
Lady A, I know
YFGM, There’s no rule that says you can’t
Lady A, I know
YFGM, So, the best way to plan on not having sex is to meet where you can’t have sex.
Lady A, No in-the-car meet next time…That seems to be the issue or the permission I need to go further. God, I’m breaking rules. You’re right, FGM. Thank you. But I seem to be making them all come on the first date.
YFGM, Then there’s a reason for that
Lady A, That I’m easy? Horny? Stupid?
Comment — These are her automatic go-to answers. She blames herself for doing something she said she wouldn’t do.
YFGM, No, you want to do it
Lady A, We’ll yes I do
YFGM, And you’re having a hard time admitting it to yourself
Lady A, Well, I don’t think you’re wrong there
YFGM, Then cut yourself some slack and stop trying to find things wrong with what you’re doing
Lady A, Wow, strong words FGM. The equivalent of a kick in the behind…Thank you, I needed that
YFGM, It’s just a different way to think about it
Lady A, And I should…I started all this because I didn’t like how I was thinking….so why hold myself to that standard when I don’t have to
YFGM, I agree. You need to retain some control, of course, but setting limits you then break isn’t going to make you feel good. Go into things playing them by ear, and you will likely get to the same spot. You just won’t be mad at yourself
Comment — I realize the guy pressed her a little, but as she says, she wasn’t forced, was safe, could stop it, but allowed it to go further. Some might say he should have known better and not tried anything, but is that reasonable to place all the responsibility on him based on something you’d said the day before? I don’t think so, not when she’s participating, enjoying it, and allowing him to take the lead. Some might disagree, but just as consent can be withdrawn at any time, it can also be given at any time. We’ve all given in to our impulses. Think about it — If a ‘yes’ can become a ‘no,’ then a ‘no’ can become a ‘yes,’ if it is given freely.
He is no more responsible to control her sexual impulses than she is to control his.
Lady A, Thank you! Really…I feel lots better.
YFGM, As I said, it’s tough doing this alone.
Lady A, Well, I’m glad I can share. I wasn’t going to say anything…But my FGM knows when something is up.
YFGM, I’m glad you did. You should be enjoying this adventure. And hey, he got you off, so there’s nothing wrong with that🔥
Lady A, He had no problem getting in there …found the spot…and wouldn’t let go. Until I did.
YFGM, Perfect.
Lady A, For a quickie in a car… minutes. Yes, it was pretty perfect. Fuck…I think he might try to wreck my pussy when we get to a bed. Well, well endowed
YFGM, Let him give it a shot😂
Lady A, He wants to sooooo bad.
YFGM, Nothing wrong with that.
Lady A, Nope, that part I’m completely on board with.
Lady A, Thanks, FGM. Night, night!
Lady A, Good morning FGM!
YFGM, Hey, how are you feeling? Still good?
Lady A, Yes, I’m good
YFGM, Good. Did you hear back from the guy?
Lady A, Yes, yesterday, he said he’d respect that I needed to take my time. Also that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, and some rules are made to be broken
YFGM, I don’t know if rules are made to be broken, but it’s more about having the right rules in the first place. We sometimes judge ourselves by societal standards that are simply unachievable. This is where slut-shaming comes from. Society shames us, both men and women join in, and it becomes so normal that we find it easy to do it too ourselves, so when you set a rule then break it, you should ask who’s rule it is. Society’s? Yours? Or some hybrid of the two.
Comment — Slut-shaming is designed to stop women from enjoying their sexuality which is why Lady A felt guilt and shame for changing her mind. It shouldn’t be like that. If she changes her mind the internal dialogue should be — Meh, he was hot and I was horny so I said WTF — that’s it, so why can’t she tell herself that?
YFGM, Your anger at yourself last night was probably related to your deeply embedded programming from your youth that tells you that you will never measure up. Religions are all about suppression, and they set unrealistic expectations on us to keep us from ever meeting the ideal.
Comment — Lady A was raised in a strict religious home.
Lady A, Wow…That is very deep for a Monday morning. I think I was most concerned that he didn’t listen…and that I didn’t listen to myself
Comment — The key in this statement is being concerned about not listening to herself. He didn’t listen to her because she didn’t do what she said she would — and he is not responsible for making sure she listens to herself.
Consent is a two-way street. If ‘yes’ doesn’t mean ‘yes’ to everything, then ‘no’ doesn’t mean ‘no’ to everything. Consent is fluid, as it should be. Consider — No, stop! Wrong hole! Oh, yes! Right hole, that’s better!
You can say ‘no’ to bum and ‘yes’ to vagina in the same moment, just as you can say ‘no’ today and ‘yes’ tomorrow. A ‘no’ yesterday needs to be reconfirmed if it’s still no, especially if you do things that might make the ‘no’ look like a ‘yes’ to more things.
YFGM, That’s where the confusion comes in and why it’s best to meet in a neutral safe site, so you don’t give in to lust. But if you give in, you shouldn’t necessarily blame him or yourself because when you’re alone together and horny, it’s hard to repress your sexual energy.
YFGM, Especially if there’s an attraction there. Meeting in a safe place is not only to protect you from him but from yourself too! If that sort of meet is too much for you on a first date, and you know you’ll succumb, then go somewhere you can’t. Or, get comfortable with the fact you will probably get sexual and go with it.
YFGM, There is great danger going sexual on the first date because you need to have seclusion to do that, which allows for other bad things you might not be able to control, like sexual assault. But, you could also meet somewhere near your hookup spot, and if you decide you want more, then relocate.
YFGM, I would never recommend you change locations at his insistence, but you can suggest it based on how you feel. Trust me, he won’t be disappointed if a coffee meet turns into a finger-fuck-blow-job date 😂
Lady A, Always good points, FGM
YFGM, My primary concerns are getting you off safely and you feeling good about it❤️
YFGM, Chat later!
As you can see, a few things were running through our conversation, but they all came back to how Lady A felt about what she was doing. She’d set boundaries for herself but broke them and was angry at herself. For the man’s part, I’m sure he didn’t mind her breaking her own rules, but you see how being in the circumstances was part of the problem?
Being in the car allowed her to break her rules easily, even though she had choices. Move locations somewhere that you can’t touch each other or accept that you will touch each other. I don’t think she should punish herself for what she did because I think on some level, she knew what was going to happen. So how do we reconcile that?
Takeaway
Lady A has to accept that she might want to be sexually touched on the first date and make peace with that. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with two people pleasuring each other the first time they meet if everyone agrees to it. However, what seems to be happening here is Lady A may have convinced herself it’s wrong, so when it happens, she feels terrible about it.
But why does she think it’s wrong? Look at what she called herself — easy, horny, stupid. Bullshit! She’s none of those things, but where did she learn to feel that way? From society and how the patriarchy controls women’s sexuality. There is nothing shameful about sex except the way we are taught to view it.
If a woman wants to let a man give her an orgasm, it shouldn’t come with 100,000 years of emotional baggage. She’s not a slut for wanting to feel good or making someone else feel good. In Lady A’s case, she is beginning to take her sexuality back, and while not easy, I think if she gives herself permission to take pleasure without guilt or self-loathing, she will truly be on her way.
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