A recent Reddit thread posted by a user struggling with feelings of marital dissatisfaction and considering the prospect of infidelity. Reminded me of the questions I asked myself before I first stepped out.
The Redditor, like many others, grappled with the question:
“When did you know you were finally ready to cross that line?”
He wasn’t looking to cheat out of malice or lust but from a profound sense of loneliness, neglect, and desire for connection.
My story
That’s what brought me to the cheating. I’d gone nine years without sex and intimacy. I was starving for physical attention, and after one last embarrassing rejection in my marital bed, I realized I’d never have sex again unless I did something about it.
Doing the math, I figured I wouldn’t be free again until my 70s, if ever. I was devastated. I was 47 and looking at 25 or more years of celibacy. But not just celibacy — no intimacy, no hugging, no cuddling on the couch, no holding in bed. Nothing. My marriage was and remains an emotional desert.
The thread included many Redditors who have or wanted to wander over the line like I did. Some were driven by years of sexual frustration, desire for revenge against a partner who didn’t treat them well, the allure of someone new, or those in a similar situation who would understand. Some needed to assert control, and others wanted to rebel against their relationship to survive in a toxic or oppressive marriage.
It wasn’t about revenge or control for me. I needed to be seen.
Leading causes of cheating from cheaters
As I read them, I saw myself in many of the comments. These three motivations stood out in all that was written:
Chronic Sexual Deprivation: Numerous users confessed that persistent lack of sex in their relationships was a primary factor pushing them towards infidelity. Some even alluded to having mental breakdowns due to years of sexual deprivation.
Yup. I cried so hard one night after meeting someone on a trip that I felt like my life was over. All he did was make me laugh. We didn’t do anything else. He reminded me of what I was missing in my life — someone to share it with. I’m reminded of what Esther Perel is fond of saying —
If you aren’t having sex with your spouse, someone else will.
Neglect and Lack of Appreciation: Others reported feeling undervalued, constantly argued with, and tired of carrying the lion’s share of household duties. The absence of appreciation or acknowledgment for their efforts bred resentment and alienation, creating fertile ground for thoughts of infidelity.
My husband points out the flaws before saying thanks. Ultimately, I just began saying, “Don’t worry, I know that’s how you say thank you.” And he never apologizes. Ever.
Desire for Emotional Connection: The saddest reason was those longing for emotional intimacy. These individuals craved connection, understanding, and someone who was excited to interact with them — exactly what their marriages failed to provide.
Marriage is a long, hard road sometimes. I get that, but when you feel like you’re doing it alone like I did, it becomes so much harder.
Cheating is less about sex
In my experience, cheating is often less about the sex and more about getting my emotional needs satisfied. For some, it’s a desperate attempt to find what their marriages are not providing. These reasons aren’t justifications for cheating but explanations. What they underscore are the complexities of human relationships and the painful impact unfulfilled needs can have.
Takeaway
Communication and empathy are paramount in a relationship. And if these needs remain unfulfilled, individuals may contemplate crossing a line they never thought they would.
I’m not blaming partners, but Jesus Christ, wake the fuck up. Every relationship take two people doing their bit. If one stops don’t expect the other to keep going. Everyone deserves to feel appreciated, desired, and happy. While I’ve never counseled someone to have an affair, I’m never surprised why they do.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023