So what do you do when you fall in love with your secret lover? I’m not talking about the burning, can’t keep my hands off you, lust that comes from new relationship energy. I’m not talking about that wonderful oxytocin rush that makes your heart flutter.
I’m talking about the plain old, why can’t I stop thinking about this guy? love. The wind beneath my wings, love. The love that aches from separation over time and distance.
A recent Reddit discussion started with the original poster (OP) asking:
Should I reveal my feelings to my lover, and could our affair continue if I did?
OP was a woman, married for a decade, who fell in love with her affair partner after a few months of seeing him.
A Cheater’s Soup Sandwich: Falling in Love
The responses offered unique perspectives. The consensus, however, was far from unanimous. Some advocated for telling him, while others suggested a more cautious approach.
Coming from the perspective of a five-year affair, I advised her against an immediate confession this early on. I thought she should give it time. I also wrote:
“Our secret life is much more like marriage now, and I like that. It’s comfortable in the way I wish my marriage was.”
And I mean it. I would have never gotten here if I was getting the love and affection I wanted at home.
Varied Perspectives on Love and Affairs
“BalancingAct,” another user, emphasized the importance of balancing feelings with realistic expectations. She shared:
“When I first started having feelings for him, I had to decide what it is I was exactly feeling, and if I was OK with being in love with someone who would never truly be mine.”
I find this sentiment tough. It hurts not being there when he needs me.
“EmbraceLove,” encouraged OP to embrace her feelings, but reminding her of the boundaries these relationships come with:
“You know the boundaries of this particular relationship, right? You both need to stick to them to make it work.”
“HonestHeart,” advocated for complete honesty, urging OP to take the leap:
“If you love him, tell him. Fall in, all the way. Regardless of what you’ll read here, it’s worth the pain if it ends.”
“RealisticRomantic,” a 35-year-old male, saw no harm in expressing feelings as long as it didn’t lead to unrealistic expectations:
“As long as you don’t ask him to leave his wife it’s cool.”
“SilentSpeaker” suggested that actions often speak louder than words, advising:
“Relish in your feelings. Enjoy the gift you are giving and just let your life flow naturally.”
I agree with this.
Finally, “LoveWhisperer” shared their personal experience:
“My AP and I say “I love you” all the time. Just relish in it and believe me.. they know.”
This is how my lover and I are. I love hearing those three little words. Nothing brightens my day more. They keep me going.
Advice on Love in Adultery
From the responses, three bits of advice emerged:
- Balance feelings with realistic expectations: the best you’ll ever be is second fiddle in your affair partner’s life.
- Embrace your feelings: it’s okay to experience love and share it.
- Communicate with caution: While honesty is important, even in cheating, if you’re too honest, you might scare off the best lay you’ve ever had.
Takeaway
The decision to confess love in an affair is deeply personal, just as it is everywhere else. As the discussion showed, there are as many opinions as there are people involved. But one thing is clear: navigating an affair is complex on the best of days; days filled with high-highs and low-lows.
What will you do? Will you open up or proceed with caution? I don’t know the answer for you, but one thing is certain: love always finds a way.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023