It’s my turn to have Covid, which seemed inevitable, though it’s my first time. I’m vaxxed and boosted, so I’m not worried, but what if? What if I die anyway because life can be like that.
What does my lover do? How does he grieve?
I recently came across a story of a man asking if he should go to his lover’s funeral. She’d died unexpectedly, and he was very much devastated. Here’s what he wrote —
I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do anymore. I’m just a mess, and I’m trying so hard to hide it, but I know my wife is going to figure out something’s bothering me. They sent me home from work, and I’m just wrapped up in a blanket on the couch. Do I attend the funeral and meet her husband? Do I tell my wife what’s happening? I’m so confused.
There are two questions here —
- Do I go to the funeral?
- Should I tell my wife why I’m grieving?
There were over 90 replies in the comments section, and most gave the same advice —
No & no!
Most people would agree that doing either of those things the man asked would make the situation far worse for both families involved. So what should he do? Unfortunately, the grief won’t go away that fast.
Cheating can be an emotional desert
Living alone with emotions as a cheater is probably the most challenging aspect of being a cheater. Some feelings are easier to deal with than others, but the death of an affair partner is likely the worst of the worst. Not all affairs remain about sex, and the longer people see each other, the deeper the feelings go. That seems to be the case with the grieving man, and it certainly is the case between my affair partner and me.
Not all emotions are difficult to deal with. Good feelings are easier to hide. You can attribute them to something at work or a family event — a change in the weather. Smiling and blushing at your phone can be attributed to a friend’s Facebook post or a meme.
No one gets suspicious when people are happy unless it’s out of character. And the side effect is that it’s usually contagious.
Bad emotions? They’re a lot harder to hide. What do you say? What do you do when all you want to do is cry all day? What will this man say when his wife sees him balled up on the couch?
People around you will notice, and it’s more than likely that they will want to help, but then what? What do you say? What do you do?
Have a plan to explain the hurt if not the source
You will need to explain that if you’re home from work early and wrapped in a blanket on the couch. Of the 90+ comments, only four mentioned having a plan to explain the emotions associated with the loss. I was one. The other three had this to say –
- You need to come up with a reason why you’re grieving in front of your wife. An old family member passed away. Your old high school best friend. Something. Because you need to be able to grieve.
- I would have a cover story. You certainly know enough about her to come up with something (friend from college, used to work together, met at the gym, pottery class, etc.)
- Put it down to a midlife crisis, anxiety, depression, whatever you need to, and find a way to get over it without involving other people who will be affected by you doing so.
Having a cover story will allow you to explain the emotions you are feeling without revealing why. Doing this will also allow you to deal with the grief by letting it out, which is healthier than trying to stifle it.
Having a cover story for your lover’s untimely death is not something everyone will be fully prepared for but thinking about it in advance is worthwhile. Acknowledging the possibility and coming up with a few strawman scenarios will help you recover in your moment of need. What is mentioned above is a good start, and depending on how you and your affair partner were connected, you could grow a story from there.
Building a plan from scratch after the fact will be challenging, as your thinking will be muddled.
Should you get professional help?
People die, and grief is a normal emotion. You would only need a therapist’s help if you had trouble moving through the grief after a month or two. Could you see one on the side and let your grief out a little at a time? Perhaps.
To me, “see a therapist” is a bit of throwaway advice from people who don’t have anything better to add. It also suggests the people who say it believe all problems have an answer, and sometimes that’s just not the case. Losses are unique, and people all react in their own way. Sometimes you never get over a loss.
There is value in talking to someone, though, and that’s where having a wingman is useful. If you don’t have that, reach out to a former lover or fellow cheater. Chatting with someone who knows the risks of cheating, including the emotional isolation that comes with an affair, can help as much as a therapist can.
I’m not dismissing therapists; it’s just likely that level of help isn’t required. The other consideration if you speak with a therapist in secret is you still need a reason for doing it if you get caught, so you’ll need a cover story. That’s pretty minor, and most experienced cheaters tend to have a story in their back pocket.
What I told the mourning man
Sweetie, that is the worst news someone could get, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Like everyone else is saying, don’t go to the funeral or the internment. If they are broadcasting the funeral over Facebook live, maybe find that out and watch it on your own. Take the day off and lock yourself away. Go to her grave after the internment is finished. I’d say wait two hours but go to her.
Bring her some flowers, and tell her you love her.
You will be sad for a while, so find another reason to be sad if you can, so you can explain it to your wife. Put it down to something at work in a way she won’t be able to verify. Don’t tell her your lover died. You don’t need the added stress on top of this loss.
If you need to talk to someone, maybe try a former lover if you have one you keep in touch with. She’ll understand why you’re reaching out. You could get professional help too, but I’d wait on that to see if you need it.
Here’s what I want my lover to know
My words to that man are what I’d tell my lover. I know he loves me, and the last thing he’d want to do is hurt my husband and family. They’ll have enough to deal with daily that they won’t need this on top of my loss as he figures out the future.
Would I like him to leave me flowers? To see my grave and tell me he loves me? I would because it would help him, and that’s what I’d want for him. I’d like him to make peace with my loss and move on with his life. I know he’ll carry a little part of me forward, but I don’t want him to dwell on me.
No good comes of that. And everything that was me will still exist. The universe is finite. No matter is gained or lost. It only transforms.
We were born of stardust and will return to it, so I won’t be gone. The universe will carry me through to the end of days as it has since time began.
It is a concept more beautiful and wondrous than any god man could create, and because of that, the epitaph will read —
I’m in the wind and the stars.
Don’t mourn me;
I’m not gone.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2022