I was curious so I asked Reddit’s r/adultery what was the longest amount of they went without sex. I led with my story. I say nine years, but that’s not quite true. There was a very short break over two weekends one summer five years in.
Here’s what I wrote –
What’s the Longest You’ve Gone Without Sex? Me — 5 years — then 3 fucks — then 4 more years
There was a big MS event, and so it was five years with zippo after that. And then three fucks over a couple of weekends one summer — I initiated.
He’d gotten quite fat so it was a little awkward and while going about my business I discovered some things about his personal hygiene I immediately regretted…Then there was another relapse, and that was it. We haven’t had sex in the last seven years, and three times in 12.
He got a scrubby on a stick and weight loss surgery, and I started cheating (four years later), so there were some wins.
The Redditors came back —
Female Redditor — 10 years.
I told her it was unbelievable when you think about it and she responded — yeah, it was really sad. It was a combination of not feeling good about myself, stress, and having some weird morality complex about everything.
People don’t understand what going without sex is like until it’s happened to them. It messes with your head.
Female Redditor — Currently I’m going 3 years without sex. We’ve lost our spark and intimacy. Trying to see if we can get it back, but finding an AP has been on my mind as well since I broke things off with my last one.
A non-cheater jumped in and told her story of going nearly four years, but how finding the right family counselor helped them rekindle their flame. In the conversation that ensued people were genuinely interested in the process, which in a way was heartening.
Counselling can’t fix everything though.
Male Redditor — Longest 3–4 weeks can’t imagine I would want to stay with someone if it goes on years. I can be miserable alone instead and wouldn’t mind my own company.
I couldn’t imagine having sex every 3–4 weeks. I’d be in heaven.
I responded by saying If you think being judged for an affair is bad, try divorcing a spouse with a long-term illness. Another Redditor replied —
Yes this exactly. 5 years no sex.
I imagine the people who say they would suffer in silence because of “in sickness and in health” and all that and laugh. Things are always easier when you haven’t been tested. I’m all in for sickness and health. What I’m not all in for is being physically and emotionally neglected because of sickness.
Male Redditor — It got to the once-a-month, or so, with my SO then we had the “I need to find a girlfriend” conversation. That woke her up but even once a week, which is more like appointment sex, isn’t enough. Not sure where I’ll go from here but I’ll figure something out.
The nature of the sex is key. Having a good session is the important bit. Obligatory sex that lasts minutes without foreplay or cuddles after isn’t worth the time it takes and won’t meet your partner’s needs.
Male Redditor — About 3 months max, but the reoccurrence of that frequency trend is becoming more alarming. There is always a reason why or 10, but what I find intriguing is when we have discussed it, she genuinely thinks/acts/responds like “it was only a couple weeks ago right, we do it way more than most of my married friends, except ______ but she is a whore”
I’d hoped things would get better for us, but they never did. The attitude of the spouse here is a little alarming though. I know there are plenty of reasons not to have sex, but going three months or more and not fitting it in somewhere? Short of a medical issue, this spouse is inviting cheating into her marriage.
Male Redditor — It’s been over 2 years… 3+ with my SO.
So where’s the cheating sweet spot? It’s hard to say, but this man lasted a year, but then seems to have stopped.
Male Redditor — 8 years without any sex. 11 years zero sex with wife. I am mad at myself for accepting that as my new marital norm.
It has a way of sneaking up, and he gave the list of the reasons he’s heard from his wife over the years. Does any of this sound familiar?
At first…
“Oh, it’s just temporary…”
School stress…
Work stress…
Financial stress…
Newborn children stress…
Fear of Another Pregnancy stress…
Since then…
Completed school a decade ago.
Both happy with careers and cool employers.
Never made more household income.
Kids are pre-teens.
Partial hysterectomy 8 years ago.
Net result… no change in SO’s sexual desire.
I don’t know why she’s not having sex because there aren’t 20 reasons not to. There’s usually only one underlying reason, so what is it?
Male Redditor — Well it was a few years, last time me and SO fucked was probably in late 2014. I tried in 2015 over and over. In late 2016 I met my first AP. It ended Feb 2020. SO still hasn’t touched me in ages. Classic dead bedroom.
This man lasted two years without sex and tried for a year to get her attention. You can almost feel the pain in his comment. I little good night hand-job costs nothing.
Female Redditor — It’s going on 3 years with absolutely nothing and the previous 11 years was the decline. I tried everything. I tried to keep it spicy with spontaneous sex, lingerie, pole dancing, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. and nothing!
I told her that there’s a man out there who would love what she’s done with herself. Trust me on that one. If your wife is doing this sort of thing and you aren’t having sex with her, she’ll find someone.
Male Redditor — 1 week. I will remind SO if it’s gotten to about a week.. by saying so lol.
People had downvoted this guy, but I told him that it was probably jealousy.
Takeaway
The lesson learned here isn’t for the cheater, but the non-cheating low libido spouse. If your SO asks for sex too frequently in your opinion, but you’d rather watch TV, consider how they feel. And then consider what their options are.
I’m not going to encourage anyone to cheat because that’s a personal decision. What I do is teach them how to do it safely. As the low libido SO, it’s your job to stop them from seeking my advice. And if you can’t do that, let them find a lover.
As Esther Perel likes to say — if you aren’t having sex with your spouse, someone else will.
Speaking of giving affair advice —
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2022