So what do you do with all that “stuff” when the affair is over? The contact list numbers, the pictures, the messages and emails, the chat app contents, your connections on socials, if you have them? Do you keep it all? Trash it? Do you block your ex?
I’d love to say delete everything — as you should do every day — but I know that’s easy to say but harder to do. I’m deeply in love with my affair partner (AP). Having pictures and short videos is my way of having them with me. I’ve had APs come and go, but that was in the early days when I was still looking. Those people were easy to let go of, and I rarely think of them now.
The most I’ll get from any of them is a cold call email looking for a sniff. I haven’t blocked them, and most moved on. I haven’t kept anything from them. But it’s not the same for my lover. I’ve kept a lot.
The key is how to manage your information security (infosec) post-breakup. Infosec is about securing private information so people who shouldn’t have it don’t get access to it. It’s not only mementos, but also contact info, and the best way to secure it is to ditch it.
This article isn’t about how to secure your info, but discusses the pros and cons of keeping it.
This r/adultery sub-Reddit post addresses this issue fairly well. The responses were interesting because there were a wide variety of views. As you read think about what might work best for you, and what might be dangerous to you. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to tell you that you need to think about — before the shit flies.
The original post
Hi all,
When you broke things off with your AP, did you delete everything to do with them? Email, number, etc.? The reason I ask is because it is over between my AP and I am just so new to all of this. Do I delete her details, or do I keep them? What did you guys do, and what were your reasons?
Redditor — I always keep mementos, or just about anything I can, of meaningful exes. If they meant nothing and it’s really over, delete them. If you’re keeping anything, one thing you might want to consider is the OPSEC [operational security] risk. Do you want to end up divorcing over an exAP from five years prior?
Comment — This is a great point. Imagine your life falling apart because of someone you haven’t seen in a couple of years?
Redditor — I delete everything. Blocked on all social media and deleted number. I know he did the same. My reasoning was so that I don’t reach out in a moment of weakness.
Comment — Fair enough. Men have it harder than women when it comes to finding someone, so they might come sniffing around once they realize how tough it is to replace their girl.
Redditor — She ended it. I know she deleted everything of mine to make sure her SO [significant other] didn’t find anything to connect to me, but I have kept it all. I’d say it depends on who ended it and why.
Comment — Perhaps, but some of us aren’t that sentimental, so maybe she just moved on.
Redditor — I don’t understand the logic to delete and block. It always sounded a bit childish to me. You had a relationship. You parted. It happens. But they/the relationship had some effect upon your life no matter how small. And if you were practicing good opsec from the beginning, that shouldn’t be your excuse either. I’ve never blocked or deleted a past lover.
Comment — If their contact info is hidden or disguised well enough, why not keep them in your phone?
Redditor –iDepends on the reason why you parted. If the other person did you dirty, then it’s blocksville.
Comment — This has more to do with how you feel about the person than any idea that cleaning your phone is a good idea.
Redditor — I had someone reach out to apologize a year later. It was not with the intent of starting up again. He experienced something similar to how he treated me and realized that he had acted like an asshole. The fact that he acknowledged it after so long brought me some form of closure. I’m also in the camp of never blocking. I just ignore them when they try to circle back.
Comment — This is a pragmatic approach, but sometimes leaving the path back open can yield some unexpected benefits.
Redditor — I have kept everything. Letters, pictures, emails, gifts, texts, voicemails (jeez, I’m pathetic, lol). I have considered throwing things away, but I can’t bring myself to. The most damning things are in my journal (letters/pictures), which I could leave open in front of my SO & I know with 100% certainty he wouldn’t read it. I’m a hopeless romantic, and I really should get rid of everything for my own sake.
Comment — I understand this hopeless romantic idea, but there’s romance, and then there’s reckless.
Redditor — I deleted Kik [a chat app] but kept everything else in totally safe places. It’s been almost two years since she ended the friendship, just a few months after she ended the affair. Her only communication at that time was a message a year ago saying she was more inclined than not to try to be friends but needed more time. I’ve finally almost totally accepted that if she wanted to talk to me, she’d talk to me. I’ve only ever broken up with one AP… I just blocked him never deleted.
Comment — Leaving the door open seems to be a trend.
Redditor — I keep their discreet details in contacts in case they ever contact me again; I want to know whose number it is flashing up. Any keepsakes I generally keep as they will have had plausible explanations at the time or already would have been (reluctantly) discarded. Digital keepsakes will already be somewhere very secure, although if she has sent me naughty images and asks for them to be deleted, I do.
Comment — I like this last bit about deleting naughty pics when asked. That’s the way it should be.
Redditor — Like a few on here have said, get rid of anything that would be an OPSEC risk. In the case of my last AP, we remained good friends after our sexual relationship ended, and I was actually able to help her out on a professional level a couple of years afterwards. I still have her as a friend on social media as well. But yeah, no need to keep anything around that would have the chance to bite you hard later. Just keep mementos of the mind.
Comment — Mementos of the mind. I agree. They are the safest.
Redditor — I can’t ever bring myself to delete anything If they truly meant something to me. Only if I absolutely had to (OPSEC reasons, etc.) would I ever delete.
Comment — Here’s the problem: if you absolutely had to delete something, it’s probably too late.
Takeaway
In reading the comments, it’s easy to see the various reasons why you might keep something of your ex-lover, or not. I’m not going to judge those who do, or those who don’t, because it’s a personal choice and it depends on how much risk you’re willing to take. I’m more an advocate of sharing insight, and then supporting people in the decisions they make.
My phone is dirty with traces of my lover and my research activities on Ashley Madison and the chat group I have with other cheaters. Some of it I could explain, and others, not so much. There are no good reasons why there are nudes and vids on my phone of me, or my lover. Yet I keep them.
Because of that, I know there’s no way I could tell anyone to do the same, but I’ll leave you with this last thought. When I was researching my book, How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress (3rd party link to Amazon), I came across a story from a cheater who said he’d rather throw his phone away and lose $700 than half of his marital assets. Think about that; how dumb would you feel if a divorce was based on two or three year old info because you couldn’t part with it?
Is keeping a digital trail of mementos worth a divorce? Only you can answer that.
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