Finding a compatible affair partner can be as hard as the relationships themselves. My lover and I tried to arrange a threesome a while back, and I took the lead on my Ashley Madison account. The extra guy was for me, so my lover graciously allowed me to pick him.
Well, we didn’t have a threesome.
The first guy was part of a couple looking for an extra guy or a couple. I messaged, telling him we were a couple, and after a bit of back and forth, we got, best of luck in your search.
Then I approached a good looking single guy. We talked for two days, and then he ghosted me. I talked to another guy who he turned out to be this arrogant fuck who thought he was god’s gift.
The last guy? Scheduling. His window was 3:30–5 on weekdays. He said he’d met someone, but on those hours? It must have been hard.
So I wasn’t shocked when I came across this lady’s story on r/adultery.
Here’s what she wrote —
The draining search…
AP searching is so draining… It sucks when you have a great pAP for a bit, until one day you don’t, and back to square one. 🥱
On another note, happy weekend!
How cheaters responded
Cheaters jumped in with their own stories.
One shared, “I’ll just switch back and forth between Reddit and looking in the wild. It feels less exhausting that way.” This approach of alternating between online platforms and real-life encounters seemed a common strategy, but I never go looking in the wild.
Another recommended taking breaks, “I find myself completely drained if I am searching non-stop.” There’s an emotional toll to searching, so a bit of self-care is important. For me, I was getting quite frustrated.
I get hit on basically every time I go anywhere on my own. Between my hair and 38DD, it’s a little hard to hide, so I wondered, why can’t I find someone online who wants to take a zero effort ride?
Ghosting was a common theme, “I had an amazing AP. Till she ghosted me.” The impersonal nature of online can quickly lead to the frustration I experienced. The constantly start over was the hard, and I only did it four or five times.
One offered advice on maintaining standards, “If you are considering the options of ‘taking a break’ or ‘dropping your standards,’ I’m betting you’ll only have regrets with the second one.” Not compromising your values just for the sake of being in a relationship is important, but equally, if Mister Right’s schedule doesn’t match yours, he’s not Mister Right. If Mister Ok’s does? Then he’s more Mister Right and than Mister Right.
The repetitive nature of initial conversations also sucks, as this one poinsted out, “Having the same intro conversation gets really tiring.” This was a common frustration as the superficial aspects of a new chat are so lame.
One suggested, “Don’t search!!! Let that happen during your normal life activities.” Sure, it's a more natural, less forced way of meeting potential partners, but that takes time, and when you’re married, it’s usually the sort of time that stands out when you take it. Compared with sitting on your phone in the evening, searching is so much easier.
You need some endurance, too, “I’ve been searching since May,” one complained. The time spent searching can vary greatly, requiring patience and persistence. Men have a harder time, but I see things changing for women, too. Online scammers posing as women make it hard for women to reach out and be noticed as something other than just another scammer.
And the ghosting?
“The amount of ghosting you have to endure is ridiculous at times.” The unpredictable and non-committal nature of some interactions make you wonder if people actually want to have the sex at all.
Some were successful, “I had given up after so many bad eggs… It’s been several months, and it’s more than I ever could have imagined for.” This offers a bit of hope that you can still connect with someone, but should it be this hard?
One took a relaxed approach, “I never sought out an active AP. It happens when it happens.” Do the best relationships come when they are least expected? Who knows, but when I have an itch that needs scratching, I’d like a little more certainty.
For the most part tho, I think I agree with this one —
“It’s definitely a drain but keep your head up. The juice is definitely worth the squeeze.”
Despite the challenges, the rewards of finding a good affair partner are worth the effort.
Takeaways
My experience in looking for a +1 was only a glimpse into the things some of the people were talking about. For those looking over a long period, the hampster wheel seems brutal. People were talking about the need to take breaks and that’s what I basically did. I don’t have the time it takes to do it right. Maybe I was naive, thinking I could find someone within a week of the date. I even looked at an escort, but the one I messaged never got back to me.
When it comes to standards tho, that’s where I have to say some flex always helps. Here are mine:
- Clean and good-looking are the baseline for me.
- I’d like a smart business professional as well, but it’s negotiable depending on the term of the affair. Hot and dumb are fine for short term. You need to be smart for long term.
- I don’t go younger than 40, which cuts out a lot. Why not? I don’t want to be the MILF they punch their ticket with or fulfill some other fetish they have. I’m also shy about my flaws, and it’s nice to have a more understanding guy with his flaws.
It is a shitshow out there, but you have to keep looking. You don’t need to find your soulmate, just a mate, because you’re already married to the love of your life, right? Right.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023