I was sitting at an airport gate between legs of a flight when I decided I needed to find someone. It was a painful moment following several days of reflection and severe loneliness that was brought on by a chance chat at a music festival with a man 15 years younger than me.
What goes on in people's minds in long-term marriages where intimacy is missing? Recently a Redditor on r/adultery wrote, “I love my wife and I’ll never leave her. But I want something more. I need that excitement, the thrill, I need to feel wanted. I’ve been thinking about this for a very long time and I’m finally ready.”
I understood. And so did others. Here’s what they had to say.
Wisdom of the Crowd
People from both sides of the gender aisle answered his call. “Patience is your most important resource,” says Sky. “It will keep you safe while also creating more opportunities. Don’t risk anything you absolutely cannot live without.”
Desperation can make you act without thinking, and that’s dangerous. As the man himself agrees, “Desperation leads to rash and bad decisions that can get you caught.”
They can, and that’s why I started researching everything I could about cheating. I was super paranoid. So much so I was able to turn my research into a book (that you can get for free if you join my email list).
The Risks
It’s not all fun and games; the risk of getting caught is real. Throwaway warns, “If you’re thinking about cheating, just remember there’s a chance it could lead to the end of your marriage.”
Before you act on your feelings, Rocket says you should ask yourself tough questions. “Are you willing to accept the risk that you will blow up your marriage? And if it all goes well, can you go home every day to your wife, look her in the eye, and lie to her?”
I found lying wasn’t so hard. I was pretty good at it already, having lived a life of constant lateness and making excuses for it. But there have been moments of guilt, sometimes crippling guilt, but I’ve always known going without intimacy hurts more.
Emotional and Mental Prep
Otterly, a commenter, says you should check your emotional state before making any moves. “While this choice can be fulfilling and blissful at times, it can also be equally isolating and difficult. Please make sure you’re in the right mental and emotional state before you jump in.”
Community is important. Especially for men who don’t tend to share (and shouldn’t share) their affairs with their male friends. Women are more open to sharing and hearing about an affair and are better at keeping it a secret.
My oldest friend knows I have a friend, and then I have all of you! Other than that, though, it is a lonely road. Especially when heart break comes.
Know What You’re Getting Into
This journey is long and won’t be easy. As House notes, “It’s a long road to find the match. Being new you will hit bumps. But welcome to the club.”
Football adds, “Just realize in the end that may not be enough.”
These are fair points. It’s hard to find someone and there are bumps along the way. It’s a competition, and for men, it can be hard unless you offer 100% of the package — looks, charm, physique. Even then, it’s not easy. As I tell my clients, there is someone for them.
“Am I Ready?”
Before making any decision, it’s good to get as much information as possible and then ask yourself if you’re ready.
I offered him my books if he DM’d me. I offered him the resources I needed starting out. My book was exactly what I needed, which is why I often give it out for free to people who ask. I also offered my Ultimate AM Users Guide to give him a little bump start!
I told him, “Read those, and you’ll know if you’re ready.”
Takeaways
If you’re thinking about cheating, there are a few things you need. Almost everyone said that patience is crucial. It keeps you safe, opens up opportunities, and helps you avoid bad decisions.
Know the risks and don’t rush in without understanding them. From potentially blowing up your marriage to the internal emotional turmoil of lying to someone you love, know what you’re willing to risk.
Whether you’re thinking of cheating or are just curious, the experiences and advice from cheaters can help shed light on a complicated issue. Stay smart and make sure you’re ready for the consequences, whatever they may be.
As I always say —
You might regret the affair one day but never regret the sex.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023