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When Throwaway123 asked Reddit about office affairs, she opened with the observation that most people on r/adultery don’t recommend it. So why did she have one? Well, she began her affair before finding the sub-Reddit.

Not everyone is clinical about having an affair like I was. I decided to cheat, then cheated. Other people just fall into their affair and figure it out later. Does it matter which way you go? I don’t think so, but if you’re still thinking about it and haven’t acted on your emotions, I recommend doing some homework.

Throwaway123 posted this —

The one piece of advice I see on this sub the most is don’t engage in workplace affairs. Well, I did and am in one.
For those who have been in one or those who haven’t, what pieces of advice would you like to offer?

What followed was some excellent advice on what and what not to do from people more experienced in the lifestyle. I cover some highlights to give you good reasons why the office affair isn’t the best idea.

Don’t use company emails, texts, phones, or anything else

This from a man with eight years of experience in the art —

  • meet at other office parking lots…
  • don’t use office communications EVER, AT ALL
  • be unfriendly in the office around others…limit in-office interaction
  • limit the empty building areas to be with each other… as great as they are, don’t overdo it… I was lucky and never got caught, but we played around in empty cubicles a little too much

That first one is brilliant. Meeting in a parking lot not associated with your work is perfect. Sure, people in that other parking lot will know you’re cheating, but they won’t know who you are!

This man elaborates on the second point above —

  • Don’t use company emails, texts, phones, or anything else that management or snoopy IT guys can access.

I’m sure everyone realizes that your work IT isn’t yours, but we all sometimes fool ourselves into thinking it’s private. It isn’t, and if things go south, you don’t need the history of your affair on the office server waiting for HR to pull it.

Now it just hurts every day.

If cheaters know one thing, it’s that affairs end. In most cases, affairs are stillborn. This Redditor reminded us why it’s essential to keep that in mind —

  • If you don’t think you can handle seeing/working with your AP [affair partner] after the affair is over, be prepared to transfer/change jobs. Especially if one of you is in a higher position than the other. Many people find being around the exAP after things have gone south to be the most difficult part.

Other Redditors backed this up with their lived experience —

  • I agree this is the most difficult part. If I didn’t have to see him every day, I would be over the breakup already. Now it just hurts every day.
  • After five years together, my ex and I are done. It’s been a year since we broke up, and it’s still hard for me. I love the person he used to be. So now I’m looking for a new job. Every time he says something to me snarky or mean, I apply for five jobs.
I got a new job shortly thereafter, and the storm clouds blew away.

Another reason not to cheat was at the office is the difficulty hiding your feelings for each other —

  • No matter how careful you are about “keeping things normal” at the office, your limbic system will betray you, and your co-workers will observe and take note. You’re radically increasing the population of people who can out you, and the human tendency to gossip will only multiply that population further.
…it was enough for them to catch us looking at each other to suspect us

Most people can quickly figure out something’s going on, no matter how clever you think you are at hiding your lust —

  • We should have been totally insulated since I was a remote worker, but it only took a few days of me being in the office for a company summit for people to figure us out and start gossiping. I got a new job shortly thereafter, and the storm clouds blew away.
  • I swear this is so true. I am in this kind of affair, and I swear coworkers simply just feel it :)) it was enough for them to catch us looking at each other to suspect us
Try to keep outward appearances as normal as possible.

This Redditor explains how to avoid suspicion —

  • Keep your patterns during the affair consistent with what they were pre-affair…if you weren’t dropping their office multiple times a day, spending breaks together, aligning lunchtimes, etc., before, don’t start doing so now. Whether it is SOs or co-workers, it is the change in behavior, patterns, and routines that raises red flags. Try to keep outward appearances as normal as possible.

Takeaway

In my book, How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, I warn against having an affair with people in your social and professional circles for two reasons:

  • your family and coworkers know you best and will be able to spot subtle changes in your behavior when you and your lover are together — it will only be a matter of time.
  • when it falls apart, as all affairs do, you will be forced to play nice with your ex year after year. Sure, you’ll both eventually get over it, but imagine dealing with that stress of a fresh break while sitting across the boardroom table from them.

Will I tell you not to have an office affair? Yes, but I’m also realistic enough to know that won’t stop people from falling for each other. However, I can help you navigate your an office affair and hopefully help you avoid the major pitfalls!

Because no matter what happens, your Faery Godmother of Adultery 🧚🏻‍♀️ will always love you💋

Here’s more on picking an affair partner from the Scarlett Letter’s Adultery Academy —

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© Teresa J. Conway, 2022