My husband and I get along very well. We bicker, but most of the time, we laugh and compliment each other quite well. We enjoy drinks, going out, and always agree on how best to help our kids. A lot of people would probably think we were doing ok after such a long marriage.
And I’d probably agree with them if it weren’t for the fact we haven’t had sex in 14 years.
So when I came across this lady’s story on r/adultery, it reminded me of myself, with the exception of the bad sex with affair partners (APs). She shared her struggles of being in a loving marriage that lacks intimacy.
She found solace in the arms of other men, yet they never seemed to treat her as well as her husband. The emotions and turmoil that come with affairing can be bad on the best of days. And sometimes I think we all ask ourselves that one question — is it worth it?
The Heart of the Matter
“It’s painful enough to go through years of hurt in a marriage. So why do I keep thinking adding another man to this mess will make things feel better? Sometimes I reflect and I think about how lucky I got with the man I married, that I haven’t met an AP that treats me as well as my own husband does. That is, until I try to invite him to sex and it’s a flat out rejection. The man I can cry to anything about, I can’t cry to him about the other men who hurt me.” — Odali
Chasing Passion and Kindness: Why’s It So Tricky?
We’ve all been there, right? The most passionate relationships often come with their fair share of heartache.
Object2 wonders, “Why is it the other side of the great sex coin is shitty behavior? And the other side of an otherwise-kind spouse is no sex at all, or mediocre at best? Are we just chasing a unicorn that doesn’t exist?”
It’s like that bitter medicine we never want to take. But it’s not all gloom. There’s a silver lining.
Finding Comfort in Old Habits
Many comments echoed the sentiment of finding comfort in familiar coping mechanisms. OkGrant60 shared, “Your last paragraph is where it’s at. Good advice for us all, really. What gets said in the rooms can be helpful in many other parts of life as well.”
And isn’t that the truth? We all have our ways of coping, and sometimes, as XanaxMomma puts it, “we’re all a bit broken and addicted in one way or another.”
It’s a universal feeling, and knowing we’re not alone in it can be incredibly comforting. But how comforting was it knowing you weren’t alone on the Titanic as it slipped below the waves? Misery has always loved company, though.
The Journey to Self-Acceptance
We’ve all had moments of self-doubt, haven’t we? Moments where we question our choices, our feelings, and even our very identities. ProfessionalCheater candidly admits, “Yep, sometimes I have to admit I am powerless, and that my life has become unmanageable!”
But there’s power in that vulnerability. As Odali puts it, “I’ve never felt freer than in the times I’ve admitted I’m powerless.”
It’s a journey, and every step, no matter how small, brings us closer to understanding and accepting ourselves. And one of the things I think we all have to accept is that if we want sex, we’re going to have to outsource it, and with that comes its own challenges. Challenges we accept as the price we pay for finding intimacy.
The Emotional Tug-of-War
It’s not just about the physical act. It’s about the emotional connection, the intimacy, the feeling of being wanted.
Pipper99 shares her experience, “I also have a great husband who doesn’t want to have sex with me. He’s my best friend, before my affair I could tell him anything, and during my affair it was almost like the roles were reversed — putting up with passive aggressiveness, selfishness, demands and unreciprocated labor from an AP, and then coming home so gratefully to warmth and love and laughter with my husband.”
It’s a sentiment many can relate to. The emotional tug-of-war between seeking physical intimacy and cherishing emotional bonds. Women do a lot of emotional work for their men, and when all that’s missing is sex, they go looking. Men go looking when they feel emotionally neglected, and as Pipper99 explains, picking up another man’s emotional work isn’t always easy. Especially when you’ve got it good.
Takeaways
Navigating non-traditional relationships can be a rollercoaster of emotions. That’s the price we pay for what we get in return. Is it always worth it? That’s hard to say because it depends on the man you connect with.
Being in a sexless marriage is hard, emotionally and physically. When you’re with a good man, it’s hard on the heart. The two forces sometimes feel like they’re tearing you apart, and that’s when the trouble starts.
Anyone who’s had a good affair will tell you that the passion is intoxicating. And so, so hard to walk away from. But it’s essential to balance emotional and physical intimacy in relationships.
LastStarter19 summed it up well when she said, “Passion’s fire can sometimes burn too bright, leaving kindness in its shadow.”
And being kind to yourself is the kindness you can’t afford to lose.
Dating Support App for Men!
The dating support app for men that uses the power of ai to write perfect opening messages and dating profiles she’ll love! MSG HER NOW will write the perfect opening message designed to get her attention. Download today from the App Store!
Msg Her Now is the ultimate dating app messaging tool to help you start conversations with the ladies you're…apps.apple.com
*This is an affiliate link. I get a small commission if you make an in-app purchase, however, at no cost to you :-)
Married dating support for men!
Would you like me to get you started on your path to depravity? Follow this third-party link to my products and services ⇨ PRODUCTS & SERVICES!
Join my email list!
Get a free pdf copy of my ebook — How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress — by joining my list! Third-party link to ⇨ MY EMAIL LIST!
ChatGPT 4 may or may not have supported the development of this story.
© Teresa J. Conway, 2023