I’ve written about divorce before and what I’d do. I’ve decided to stay until I get caught. I can’t live without intimacy; given the choice, I’ll choose intimacy. I will never be in a sexless, touchless, cuddless relationship again.
Nine years was enough.
People who haven’t been there will talk about vows and other bullshit without ever thinking about what divorce means. “Divorce” has got to be the stupidest answer to infidelity I’ll ever hear.
“Just get a divorce.”
Fuck you. Marriage isn’t just about sex, but sex has to be a part of it.
Realizing divorce often comes in the wake of infidelity, I came across a discussion about it on Reddit’s r/adultery this morning. Redditors were grappling with the divorce question. The only takeaway seemed to be that there are no good answers. Their insight into the painful question all cheaters have considered was sobering, though.
The discussion was led by cheaters who’d both been caught and not caught cheating before their divorce. The advice and stories weren’t all adultery related, so much as they were shitty relationship related. The OP asked:
“When do you know it’s time to divorce?”
And that’s all it took to get the sad little ball rolling. As you read, ask yourself if some of these people are wrong to cheat.
One shared: “Our marriage had been in decline for a while…One night I became very sick… I called out to him that I was not well… He ignored me, again. I finally understood that he would never show up for me. I couldn’t trust him to help me even if my life was in danger.”
Neglect can be as damaging as overt hostility, and this story underlines how the lack of caring can be a significant motivator to get out.
Another described how their partner’s mood dictated the atmosphere at home. “Trying to guess their mood and walking on eggshells” can be exhausting and unsustainable. Constant anxiety over keeping the peace is a strong sign the relationship is unhealthy.
I lived this as a kid. My mother was a ticking timebomb with a loose wire. You never knew when she’d go off. I was so happy to leave at 18 I never looked back. The problem was living like that as a kid didn’t really set me up for marital success. Could a divorce have fixed that for me? I doubt it. Her first divorce didn’t. I was stuck with the bomb. But if divorce could fix it for my kid, I’d think about it.
One realized that their partner’s anger was a symptom of a deeper issue — depression. They said, “I don’t know why anger isn’t discussed more often as a symptom of depression. Took me years to figure out what the hell was wrong.” The mental toll an unhappy marriage can take can be debilitating for everyone involved. Shitty mental health ripples down through generations when it isn’t fixed. Another good reason to leave.
One Redditor knew she had to leave when her young son comforted her after a fight. “When my son (1.5 years old) comforted me while I was crying after another abusive argument. I knew then I did not want him growing up thinking that was a normal relationship.” I’ve never lived this, but it illustrates how the dynamics of an unhealthy relationship can negatively impact children.
While these stories are hard to read, they offer insight into marital breakdown. In many cases, their cheating was a symptom of the bigger problem but not their main problem. My bigger problem is a sexless marriage because of a medical issue. We don’t hate each other, we just don’t have sex. Is that a reason for divorce? I don’t think so.
Even as bad as some of these people had it, their decision to divorce (or not) wasn’t easy. In fact, no one said it was easy, though few said life got better after they did. And when that happened, it was better for the kids too. Sometimes calling it might be the answer, but it isn’t the only answer.
The a-holes who tell us to divorce don’t seem to understand that each marriage is unique. Every cheater has their own issues. The signs leading up to divorce look different for everyone, and some have no reason to divorce. What is common is the deep emotional pain that comes with divorce, and who would unnecessarily inflict that on anyone?
Only a fool.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023