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Sarah, a 35-year-old woman, has a problem. She’s been with her affair partner (AP) for about 5 months, and everything’s great there. But at home? Not so much.
I know of where she speaks. Some days I am so checked out it takes all my energy to say good morning to hub. Most mornings, I will literally be fully awake, reading the New York Times on my phone, and hear his alarm wake him, feel him get out of bed, see him walk to the washroom, then leave the room, and I’ll not say a word.
And neither will he. Mostly not to disturb me as I need a little time in the morning to myself, but not a word? In the last few months, I have been forcing myself to say good morning and engage.
What he doesn’t know is I don’t get out of bed so I can masturbate to whatever on PornHub is lighting my particular fire that morning. I like to orgasm at least once a day. I’ve been on my own there for 14 years now.
You know who I don’t have to force myself to say good morning to? My lover. Every morning we say it.
With Sarah mentioned above, it seems emotions are getting the best of her. “A lot of times, I don’t want to be at home with my SO. I’m there for our daughter. I don’t really feel guilty, but I’ve lost the desire for intimacy with him,” she shares.
She’s searching for ways to keep it together at home while her affair heats up, but how do you compartmentalize?
In Jane’s experience, “You nurture the parts of the relationship that work, rather than focusing on what’s missing.”
She explains that she had her affair for sex but also wanted to genuinely like the man she was with. When with her AP, she focused on the positives and did the same with her SO.
“I tried to never be with my AP and think of what he lacked. Instead, I focused on the good,” she says. However, Jane admits, “My husband definitely noticed I became happier at home once I ended things with my AP.”
I’m not sure that would be me. I’m all in with my guy, and I definitely wouldn’t be happier without him.
Mike, offering a male perspective, believes it’s about maintaining intimacy when the desire is gone. “I think it’s harmful to both your own and your partner’s mental health to force it.”
So is getting caught, Mike, wouldn’t ya say?
Insert eye roll here. But I get it, doing sexy things you don’t want to do can be a little harder on the head and heart than they should be.
Anna, who’s been with her AP for over a year, shares, “There’s no intimacy with my SO. It’s hard.”
Lisa advises, “There are ebbs and flows in these relationships. Whatever you do, don’t show your disdain. It’s hard, but you gotta hold it together.”
I agree with that. If you’re playing the long game, and part of that means keeping it all going. Keeping it going no matter how many extra balls you’re juggling with your chin.
Emma believes in appreciating both relationships for what they offer. “These are two men in my life that nourish me, but in different ways. However, the consequences can be destructive. You can’t force others to compartmentalize the way you do,” she warns.
You can’t, especially if one of them doesn’t know he’s compartmentalizing. Keeping it separated is probably the least unhealthy approach, so it’s the one I usually strive for. As I tell my team at work — when there is no good choice, pick the least bad.
For many, the challenge isn’t just about managing emotions and the practicalities of juggling extra relationships. The honeymoon phase with an affair partner can be intoxicating as the oxytocin has its way with you. That makes the mundane aspects of a long-term relationship seem even more tedious — if that’s possible.
One pointed out, “Take a step back and remind yourself that you are in the honeymoon phase of your relationship with your affair partner.” It’s essential to recognize that every relationship has its ups and downs. While an affair might offer a temporary escape, it’s crucial to remember that it, too, will have its challenges — yup.
The key is to find a balance that allows for happiness and fulfillment in both relationships without causing undue harm or distress to any of the parties involved.
Takeaways
Many emphasized the importance of focusing on the positive aspects of each relationship. By appreciating what works and not dwelling on what’s missing, you’ll feel better. Jane’s approach of focusing on the positives in each relationship and not comparing the two is a practical strategy.
Compartmentalizing feelings is hard because motions overlap, and the impact of one relationship can spill over into the other. As Emma points out, while you might be able to compartmentalize, it’s essential to remember that others affected by your actions might not be able to do the same — mostly because one of them doesn’t know you’re a cheater.
Still, I think it’s possible to find something that works. It might not work great, but if it works better than what you have, then you’re better off.
Or don’t cheat, but I’m not here to give you that advice.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023