I advocate that everyone has a wingman when they cheat. Someone who can add credibility to your story and can help cover for you. They can also keep an eye on you when you’re meeting someone for the first time.
This question comes from a Redditor and it reminds us that not everyone has a friend they can talk to about their affair. Not having a wingman doesn’t mean you can’t meet, it just means you have to put some thought into it.
She asks —
Hi everyone! So I’m a long-term lurker of this sub and will soon be taking the step to meet some potential APs online. Exciting! But first thing first I want to be safe (I'm a woman and quite short). I’d normally tell a friend where I’m going and when I’ll be back but it’s of course not feasible with a friend in real life this time.
Would a safety buddy online be a good idea? Like setting up a system when I tell the buddy I’m seeing the AP, and let them know when I finish. This would perhaps be a like-minded Redditor from this sub?
Is there anything I’m missing? How do you ensure your safety when meeting an AP for the first time?
The responses
Redditor — I’m not sure how a friend from Reddit could help you other than to call the police if you disappear. At that point, it’s kind of moot?
Editorial Note — Yes it is moot after the fact. Also, if they don’t really know you, they might not pick up the signs in your texts to see if it’s you texting or the guy, whereas a girlfriend would.
Redditor — Do you really want someone notifying the police or your SO just because you got caught up in the moment and lost track of time?
Editorial Note — This is a good point. You’d hate to get caught on your first meet like this. Again, this is where a friend who knows you would be able to better judge the situation before blowing up your life.
Redditor — If you would want your SO to know what happened to you and get [the bad date] arrested, you can require his personal information (identity, address, etc) ahead of time and save the info, along with any meetup/hotel info, somewhere on your computer that would be found if you were to get kidnapped or killed. Though it should be inconspicuous enough or on some sort of timer so it’s not found inadvertently. Without getting into the specifics here, I did something similar my first time.
Editorial Note — This is a little impractical, but it’s an option when you don’t have anyone you can trust.
Redditor — I’ve been fortunate in the past to have someone that I trust to know where and when I was meeting someone. I’d check in with that friend afterward. One potential Affair Partner (pAP) meet-up made me feel like I was their prey. I felt obligated to sit through the lunch, looking back now, I wish I walked out.
Editorial Note — There’s a difference between sitting through lunch and giving up your mouth or pussy to him. But she’s right. If you feel weird, bail. There’s no need to waste a second of your time on a guy like this, even if he’s just a loser.
Redditor — For this online safety buddy thing to work you would need to divulge a fair amount of information to a perfect stranger, like your name, his name and the place you intend to meet, etc. That’s a risk too. I can understand your concerns though. Listen to your instincts very closely and never ever feel like you can’t back out.
Editorial Note — It’s important to know that you don’t owe anyone sex, and that backing out is an option if you don’t feel safe. To facilitate this, avoid being alone with a aAP on a first meet, and don’t plan to do anything sexual.
And yes, I have had sex on a first date, and I know shit happens, but go with your instincts. You can have sex on a first date, but just know it’s like diving into the deep end with a blindfold on and a cement shoe on your foot.
Redditor — As an alternative, you do a time-delayed email to a trusted friend. This friend would receive an email with all the relevant info after some specified amount of time passes unless you cancel the sending. Here are some instructions for doing this in gmail —
- My Comment — This is a great idea, but god forbid you forget it!!
- Redditor’s Reply — It’s a time bomb for sure. Requires a few practice runs too. Don’t want to accidentally send it right away! But as others have mentioned, it won’t keep OP safe except she can tell a potential aggressor that the time bomb exists.
Editorial Note — This is an interesting one, but it’s a ticking timebomb, so don’t forget to cut the red wire (or was that blue) after the date. Imagine forgetting? This is similar to the one above about leaving a note on your computer to find, but it would happen more quickly and would be a little hard to take back.
Redditor — a public place like a coffee shop or similar is highly advisable for any first in-person meeting with a pAP. not just for safety but for general vibes and chemistry..and any red flags or..quite frankly..lack of physical interest that might be present with the actual person.
Editorial Note — This is a tough one. Now imagine Mr. Butterface getting all sexy if you’ve planned sex and there you are thinking — how the fuck am I going to kiss that?
Redditor — don't let yourself get caught in the mindset that you started this path so you must close the deal with the first guy you meet in person.
Editorial Note — As above. You don’t owe anyone anything.
Redditor — Definitely a public place for meetings. Just because you’re meeting someone, it doesn’t mean you have to follow through or that you “owe” them anything. Go with your gut, if anything feels off, always have an out plan.
Editorial Note — And here it is again. Starting to get the picture? You don’t owe people sex because they bought you a coffee. I’d forgive you for giving someone a sympathy handjob though!
Redditor — Here are my tips:
- Real name. Insist on at the very minimum, a real first name and the general area that he lives in.
- Public meet. Meet somewhere highly public — a coffee shop not near your home or work. Set a short amount of time for the date — tell him you only have a half-hour or so in case the date goes badly. (If it’s going well you can always say your schedule freed up).
- Get there early. Get to the coffee shop early and seat yourself close to or in a direct line of sight to an exit. Do this so he can’t watch you arrive and take down your license plate number. Let him leave first, again so he can’t follow you to your car or to your home. Bring a laptop as a “prop” and say you need to log on to your work email or whatever makes sense as an excuse to stay.
- No sexy stuff before meeting. Do not agree to physical contact ahead of time, and I know this is unpopular, but do not sext or send nudes before you’ve confirmed there is a real-life attraction. There is nothing more uncomfortable than sitting across from a man who is sexually charged over you and you feel nothing, or you feel disgusted.
- Bring a weapon. Carry mace or a small weapon. I’m serious about this.
My Comment — Having a wingman is a very good idea. The other ideas here are great, so not much to add, but another thing you can do is test him a bit first. Go silent for longer than usual and see how he reacts — 50 messages, a check-in, an outburst, whatever. He’ll be all smiles during the chat when it’s going his way, but if you invent a little “family emergency” and disappear for 24 hrs, that will tell you what you need to know about his personality.
More of my tips
Reasonable person test. I prescreen by doing reasonable person tests to see if the guy is as nice/cool/good as he says he is. Jerks will reveal themselves fairly quickly if you fuck them around ever so slightly. Reasonable guys will hang on as she takes her time, praying she hasn’t found another dude, but he’ll play it cool because he never wants to shut that door!
Fake your wingman. Another way to approach this is to casually let your pAP know that you have a wingman, even if you don’t, and that she’ll be in touch with you throughout the meet. A reasonable person will think that’s a smart thing to do. An unreasonable person might start telling you how much you can trust them, or asking you why you don’t trust them.
Anyone who can’t figure out why you don’t trust them right off the bat isn’t smart enough to be trusted.
Takeaway
For all cheaters, men and women, the important lesson here is no one owes anyone anything. She doesn’t owe him sex because she offered to meet, and he can’t expect sex because she offered to meet.
The first meet with a pAP can be an exciting and dangerous time for a woman. I recommend you take it easy and listen to your instincts. Don’t plan to have sex on a first date, and don’t leave the meeting place with them and relocate. If you do, go in your own car.
Above all, don’t worry about hurting his feelings. If it’s not there, it’s not there. You don’t owe anyone anything, and if he’s a reasonable man, he’ll know that.
Helping women learn to cheat better can save their lives —
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2022