Adultery can be lonely and unsafe. There’s no question about it. All sorts of bad things can happen to cheaters, and when they do, most people don’t give a shit. They do gloat and laugh.
Some of the loudest do it beside their cheating spouse, as one confided in me when she watched the Ashley Madison Affair with her hub. He never shut up and laughed through the first episode. What he didn’t know was that her story was played out. I’m sure he wouldn’t be laughing knowing he was a global cuck.
Cheating is lonely because you don’t have anyone to share it with. Most of us don’t have anyone watching our backs. That’s why she reached out to me to tell me about her hub’s reaction.
When things fall apart, you’re upset, or you’re meeting someone new, it’s so much harder when you don’t have anyone to share it with. Meeting someone new can be unsafe, even if you feel you’ve built an online bond with them first, and ReasonableLioness opened her Reddit question by asking for some female companionship to share her thoughts on the lifestyle.
She was looking for a friend who would understand and could help share the burden of her affair’s ups and downs. When you cheat, there are very few people you can rely on, so to me, it seemed like a good topic.
Navigating the Lonely Waters
ReasonableLionless is not alone. I suppose the men think less about this than women, but I’ve had more than a few women tell me of the crazy risks they’ve taken to meet. Meeting people without anyone knowing where you are? My mother would officially roll over in her grave.
Unofficially, well, let’s just say this bad apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.
The need for a support system, a safety net, and an outlet to share experiences is evident in ReasonableLionless’ words,
“I would love to have a couple ladies to be friends with who understand and go through the same things I do.”
The loneliness that accompanies discretion, where secrecy is king, is isolating. Some ladies have a friend or two who understand, but many don’t. Another friend confided in me that she had told one friend she thought she could trust only to be told she wasn’t interested. The woman never told anyone but just didn’t want to hear it.
Sharing and shared experiences can provide a sense of belonging and lessen the feeling of loneliness. That’s part of the reason I started writing about it. I have an online support network but in real life? My oldest friend knows and understands but lives in another city, and we aren’t as close as we once were.
The Importance of Support Systems in Adultery
JennyGotGrace shared her experience, saying,
“When I first started in this life, I found a few friends from here [in r/Adultery sub-Reddit]. They were my saving grace when I needed someone to talk to. We were also each other’s safety net when we went to meet a guy.”
This is the best of a support system — a safety net, and an outlet to share our experiences. It’s not just about having someone to talk to; it’s about having someone who understands, who can provide advice, and who can be there for you when you’re meeting someone new.
Overcoming the Fear of Judgment
Disastrousfem opened up about her struggle of losing her confidante after her friend’s spouse cheated on her. She said,
“I used to confide in my best friend and she was supportive and understanding but then she caught her spouse cheating and it shattered her…so now I’m not comfortable talking to her about it.”
Yeah, cheating ain’t so cool when your confidant gets cheated on.
The fear of judgment and the difficulty of finding understanding friends is a stark reminder that people’s perspectives can change based on their experiences.
Building Community
RegularCatch suggested,
“We just need a reddit group for woman support through this! My messages are open as well cuz this is hard!”
A community safe space to share and support each other was something that resonated with many lady cheaters. It would be good, but would I join?
I’m not sure. I built my own community as JennyGotGrace did. I have a couple of ladies I regularly confide in — MonalisaSmiled and Maddierose. But could they keep me safe? Mona’s in the US, and Maddie’s in the UK. A bit far for that Hail Mary 911 call, though.
Last summer, when I was indulging during my Slut Summer, my lover was my safety net. While I’m sure he hated the fact I was seeing other men (and a woman), he was there for me. When I met him for the first time, I had no one, and I can tell you that it makes a huge difference knowing there’s a lifeline out there.
Not Just a Woman’s Struggle
LouisTheThoughts pointed out that men also struggle with the same issues. He said,
“You can make this post about finding any friends, not just female friends. I think it’s just as hard for us guys to talk about this topic to anyone.”
I would agree because if women don’t think they have anyone to talk to about cheating, then men certainly don’t. Men don’t typically confide in their male friends like women do. They certainly don’t share their fears about sex and relationships — there have been studies.
Most of my clients rely on me for this sort of support, and it’s evident they don’t have anyone looking out for them.
So would r/cheatersupport get anywhere? It might be because there’s a need for it. Could it replace the social support structures of in-person support? Probably not, but it would be better than nothing.
Takeaway
Cheaters may walk alone, but that doesn’t mean we can’t reach out for understanding and support. It’s crucial to have a support system to navigate this lifestyle safely, and so if all you’ve got is an online friend, that’s better than no friend. Having an outlet without fear of judgment helps because a cheating relationship is just like any other, and you don’t do those ones alone. Whether it’s a Reddit group or another platform, having a community can make it easier.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023