Trigger Warning — This article discusses how someone ended up in a good relationship. Some readers may find that unsettling.
The older I get, I wonder if I started cheating because I wasn’t getting my needs met (I wasn’t) or if I’m not really a monogamist at heart and just reached a tipping point. There are things I wanted to try and have tried, and there’s still more to go, but that’ll all be under the context of adultery. Or non-consensual unethical non-monogamy, as I’ve been known to call it, because everyone needs a special category, don’t they?
I sometimes wonder if it’s possible to make the leap to an open arrangement from an adulterous start or if you would have to start fresh. I’d love to be free to slide out for after-work sex on a Friday. Or take a weekend away with a lover without hiding it.
So when a male fan reached out recently to tell me he did just that, it got me thinking of my own path. A self-described serial cheater, he eventually found a partner who was open to an ethical non-monogamous (ENM) arrangement, and he hasn’t cheated since while pursuing women.
More importantly, he hasn’t been judged for his choices since. The idea of pursuing a post-adultery life in a poly situation allowing for exploration might be what many cheaters really need, but how do you get there?
We did a little Q&A, with me asking the questions. Here’s our exchange —
Q — You’re in an ethical non-monogamy relationship now with several people, but describe yourself as a reformed cheater, can you tell me a little about your cheating life before entering into your current dynamic?
A — I got married and cheated some. Even after having a threesome with my wife and another woman, which we both enjoyed, I still lacked the communication skills to explore non-monogamy further. Also, when I brought up some issues with my wife, I was shamed by her for asking questions about activities outside of the norm, which made me hide my thoughts and actions. After I got divorced, I was dating a woman who I thought from our conversations wasn’t strictly monogamous, and after having discovered polyamory on the internet, I talked to her about me dating one of our friends who wanted to date me and was ok with the idea of it being non-monogamous but was shut down and shamed for it.
Q — Based on your past, and current relationship situation, it seems that you’ve always wanted more than monogamy has to offer. What do you think it is in you that makes monogamy challenging for you, and how long have you felt that way?
A — I always felt like monogamy was a poor fit. I often had romantic feelings for more than one person and knew that society frowned on non-monogamy. I also know that I had self-esteem issues and gained validation from others by affection and sexual conquest. As I grew into an adult, I masked any shame or fear I had about being promiscuous or cheating with drugs and alcohol and a substance-fuelled bravado. I didn’t have any models for how I felt other than free love and swinging that I heard about from my parents’ generation. I lived in a small town and didn’t have access to information that would have helped. I read about some non-monogamy in science fiction, but wasn’t very good at communicating what I wanted and lacked the vocabulary to describe it.
Monogamy models that we can only have strong emotional and sexual connections with one person. Also, that person is supposed to be our everything; lover, best friend, life partner. It sets unrealistic expectations and dooms us to failure. I think I’ve always had some notion that the standard monogamy model was flawed, but I began to really understand it in my 30s after exposure to anecdotal stuff on the internet and after reading the Ethical Slut by Hardy and Easton.
Q — Moving from being a cheater into a consensual non-monogamous situation seems to indicate a shift in how you approach relationships. What was it that brought about this shift, and did it occur with a person you’re still in a relationship with? What I mean is, were you caught cheating and then were able to use that to transform your relationship, or did something else happen?
A — The shift happened before my current relationship. My current relationship started with both of us having an idea that monogamy was not what we wanted and we proceeded together along that path, making some mistakes and learning as we progressed.
Q — You mentioned that you’ve been with your wife since 2006, and developed a V-triad with another person in 2011. First, can you briefly describe what a V-triad is, and then discuss how you and your wife came to add a third person to your relationship?
A — A V-triad is a relationship with three people in it, with one of the people as the tip of the V. In this triad my wife is the hinge partner and has me and another woman as partners.
We had a friend who wanted to have sex with both of us and it proceeded for several months as a threesome thing until the two of them developed a romantic relationship and began dating. I have never dated our partner separate from my wife. We have all lived as a single household since 2012. We moved from the west coast to the northeast in 2021 and recently completed financial planning so that we all own our home and have legal rights to make financial and medical decisions for each other as if we were all three married together.
Q — In most ENM relationships, there are rules, so it is still possible to be a cheater if you break them. What are some of your rules that if you broke them, you’d consider yourself or someone in your V-triad to be cheating?
A — Cheating would be entering into a romantic or sexual relationship with someone without communicating that intention and allowing the other partners to have any say. We don’t ask permission to do anything. It’s more of a consult. I do it by saying, “I’d like to do X, unless you have any objections.” Concerns can then be discussed. It’s simply a way of asking for consent.
Q — Is there anything you’d like to add that you think I’ve missed or is important for readers to know about your story?
A — Conducting relationships like this has been liberating for me. It allows me to be my authentic self. I am flirtatious and outgoing. I don’t have to feel any shame or be underhanded. If I meet someone who I click with and maybe want to kiss, I can. If I want to pursue more, I can see if my partners have any objections and go from there. It works for us and has for longer than any previous relationships.
Thoughts to ponder
This last answer is interesting because the V-triad has become his most stable relationship. So perhaps cheating is a symptom of an inability to remain monogamous? In the right context, the negative aspects of cheating could become strengths in a different dynamic.
Communication is also a key, but it’s a key to every human interaction. Most of our interpersonal failings come from our inability to communicate with each other, so it’s no surprise it was a factor in his first relationship on both sides. His inability to communicate his thoughts and his ex-wife’s inability to respectfully listen without introducing shame into the discussion likely led to the dissolution of the marriage.
Where’d the shame come from? Probably his wife’s preference for monogamy writ large, without considering there are alternatives. It’s like heterosexuals who condemn homosexuality because they never consider that someone else’s sexuality has no impact on them.
Partner selection is difficult at the best of times, but it seems simpler when you’re young. It’s easier to do what everyone else does, but as you grow and learn yourself, you might find you are stuck in a situation that doesn’t suit you. Moving to one that does is the challenge, and I’m sure there’s no easy way to transition. Once you do, though, you might find your life becomes more fulfilled.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023