What happens after I get caught or reveal my cheating? This is a real-life scenario I often think about.
Other-side-of-the-coin, or Red Team, thinking is a good way to test your logic. As I’ve said before, if my husband could cheat, I wouldn’t have, but I might just be lying to myself. This story will never apply to me, but it would apply to my hubby.
In this recent r/adultery post, a hubby grapples with his wife’s infidelity after she spills the beans. The details are messy, of course, emotions are high, and feelings are as hurt as you’d expect. And he looked to cheaters to explain his wife’s cheating, and that’s fair.
The man opened up about his wife’s two-year affair with a coworker, which continued even while she was pregnant with their second child. The affair came to light a month ago, although it apparently ended a year prior when the other man chose to focus on his own family.
The wife said the affair was less about sex and more about the validation and positivity her lover provided. She claimed he helped validate her thoughts and feelings about herself well — and I get that.
The husband is left grappling with feeling unloved and undervalued, despite his substantial contributions to the family and the home.
The wife insists that the affair was driven by a need for validation rather than physical attraction. A claim met with skepticism by the hub, who has noticed a decline in their intimacy over the years.
One thing he did say was that while she was cheating, she wanted more sex with him and that she “even initiated it” sometimes. I get that. All getting back to sex did for me was make me want more sex. I’m sure my hub would have been a beneficiary if he could have been.
Now, after confessing all — something I never recommend doing — she wants to rebuild their marriage, asserting that she has always chosen him over her lover. Like, what else are you going to say?
Hubby is considering giving reconciliation a shot, albeit with reservations. He seeks advice on two questions:
- “What is the probability that she’s telling the truth about her feelings and not just doing this because she thinks it’s what is right?” and
- “What is the probability this, or something similar, will happen again?”
The husband is open to insights and alternative solutions as he navigates this turbulent phase in his marriage.
Is She Being Truthful?
First things first, is the wife being honest about her feelings now, after a prolonged affair? Sarah suggests not rushing into reconciliation just for the kids, advising the husband to do what feels right for him. Tom, speaking from a cheater’s perspective, warns that the underlying issues haven’t disappeared overnight.
Adding to the mix, one woman states, “People can change, but it takes real work. She needs to prove herself with actions, not just words.” Meanwhile, a man advised, “Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is.”
As for me, I’m more practical when it comes to evaluating the evidence. She told him about the affair. He had little idea of it and didn’t pry. She’s still there, and that’s a truth all of its own. He sort of thought it was an exit affair, but those are usually accompanied by an exit. So is she telling the truth that she wants to stay? I’d say so, otherwise, she’d have left.
Will She Cheat Again?
Moving on to the big question — will she cheat again? One commenter, who has seen the cycle of broken promises, fears the wife might reach out to her affair partner again. A man shares a hopeful tale of finding true love after a broken marriage, urging the husband not to miss out on someone who could truly value him.
Adding to this, another shared, “Once trust is broken, it’s a steep hill to climb to rebuild it.” In contrast, someone shared a personal success story, “My partner and I worked through it, and we’re stronger than ever. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.”
Will she cheat again? I’m going to say yes. The stats say yes, my personal experience says yes, and more to the point — why not? We have more than one type of cracker, so why not more than one type of sex, and that gets to the point I left in the comments.
Open Marriage: A Viable Solution?
Then there’s the road less traveled — an open marriage. One man was pretty straightforward, suggesting either to go open or divorce, emphasizing that without change, history is likely to repeat itself. I agree with that.
But, “Open marriages aren’t for everyone. It requires a level of communication and trust that not all couples can achieve,” one added. Meanwhile, another warned, “It’s a slippery slope. It might seem like a solution but can open up a whole new can of worms.”
Sure, it’s a slippery slope, but it's more slippery than the one they are on now. There are many good reasons to stay together, including looking after the kids and building wealth. Can we honestly say that having sex with the same person for 50 years is what we want? It isn’t, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to live on the same street or in the same house for 50 years.
My question is — why does monogamy cause so much trouble?
Takeaways
Two things stood out for me. First, the wife has some personal work to do, understanding her needs and learning why she needs to validate herself through other men — which was her reason for cheating.
It’s a common thread in the comments, with many emphasizing the importance of self-growth, but I’m not convinced. Maybe that’s because I’m neglecting my own issues, but whatever.
Secondly is whether it’s rebuilding the marriage or starting fresh, a new approach is needed. As one commenter put it, “You can’t just sweep it under the rug and expect things to improve. It’s about taking actionable steps, together or separately.”
I accept this better than solely focusing on the self-reflection angle. Yes, some work needs to be done to fix this, but it needs to be done by both of them. Cheating isn’t a one-sided equation.
It’s a tough call, no doubt, but they’ll get through it one way or another. As I told a friend once — some people aren’t good at marriage.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023