Photo by Cosiela Borta on Unsplash

By this point, your feet are wet, and you’ve been fucking around.

Maybe more than once.

IT’S DELIGHTFUL, right?

Welcome to the dark side.

Adultery is awesome when it works.

When it doesn’t…

You’ve rejected some lovers because they didn’t spark; you’ve rejected some after your first “no sex” date for the same reason. No chemistry. You may have rejected some lovers after your first sex date, too. You’ve found lovers you’ve liked, who’ve rejected you, and others who you could never meet because of scheduling.

It’s brutal. The looking.

Through all of that, you’ll have noticed that you’ve felt something, and while it may not have been much, you realize you’re not a robot. You can also see that the potential to get your heart hurt badly. Or, you’re a narcissist or sociopath, which probably has benefits for avoiding “the feels” even if it makes you an asshole. Hey, I’m not here to judge. Whatever works to keep your sanity in check.

There’s some science behind what happens to people when they have sex. Ya know, the dopamine receptors and shit. That science-y stuff that is BORING but not when you are fucking.

I’m not going to get into that here, but what I will say is there’s more to sex than pokey-pokey, most of the time. Sure, my affair partner (AP) and I have had sex with different people together, and while I didn’t bond with them, I maintained my bond with my AP. In fact, it became stronger.

Some people are good at avoiding feelings, but there are a few things you might not be able to avoid, even if you can avoid falling in love with them.

  • Rejection for women. When someone looks at your body and says, “no thanks,” that can be a tough pill to swallow, and there might be 50 other men in line who’d love the chance. It only takes one rejection to send you into a tailspin of self-doubt. Been there. So many times. It’s easy to say forget about it and move on, but most women carry self-doubt in some form or other, and all rejection does is remind them of it.
  • Rejection for men. I’m not sure about men because I expect they are used to rejection in some form or other, so they have to try harder. I assume it’s why they send messages to every woman on a dating app, hoping to get a nibble. I think men know a shot on the slimmest of chances is better than not shooting because they know their prospects were low. While that’s a form of rejection, being rejected for height or cock size must hurt because you can’t change either of those things.
  • Jealousy. Navigating these feelings can be difficult. Especially when you thought you were the “cool girlfriend” but are actually a jealous bitch. Also been there, ahem. Feelings also differ between long-term AP’s and casual hookups. The FWB situation may also be different, where one side feels something, and the other doesn’t.
  • Other Partners. For instance, I can’t stand the idea of my AP meeting someone alone. It eats at me because I’m a jealous bitch. On the other hand, I don’t mind watching him fuck someone else because I think that’s hot.
  • Spouse. The only exception to this is what my AP does with his spouse. To me, what they do doesn’t bother me at all. They are not having sex, but there has been some sexual contact, and that just seems natural to me. I am walking on her lawn after all, and so I don’t feel anything. Some people can’t handle what their AP does with their spouse in a non-sexual way, like if they go out for a drive or dinner with friends (when we did that…).

Then there are the times when you want to help your AP, but can’t. Consoling them is impossible. They’re having a life event, and you wish you could celebrate together because you want to be a part of their lives. For me, not being there bothers me most, because it reminds me of what we will never have.

And don’t forget the pangs of guilt you will feel for cheating on your spouse. They come and go, and while it’s usually not enough to stop you, it’s still there.

Finally, the one thing I’m not good at is avoiding feelings. I don’t have many partners because I was only looking for one, but not everyone has that problem. Sometimes their problem has more to do with dodging the other person’s feelings when the sex is good, but there’s nothing else there.

The bottom line is feelings are out there no matter what you tell yourself. Something, somewhere, at some time, will happen that will knock you flat, for better or worse, so be aware of it. It could be your feelings or the feelings of someone you’re with, but they’re there, so it’s best you don’t deny it. And I recommend that, so when something happens, you’re ready to go through it — alone.

Here’s more on rejection —

Love and intimacy —

Jealousy —

More Jealousy —

Loneliness —

Being in love, but not able to help your AP —

Cheater’s guilt —

Here’s why you don’t run away with your affair partner if you haven’t heard them fart —

Back to Lesson Ten — The Boring Shit That Will Stop Adultery From Killing You

To Lesson Twelve — Endings Are Brutal

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© Teresa J. Conway, 2022