I remember the moment I decided to find someone. I was laying on my hotel bed late one-night in a strange city crying. I was so lonely it physically hurt. It wasn’t the first night I’d felt that way, because I’d felt it to varying degrees every night. Every night over the previous ten years. But that night was the worst it ever was.
During most of it I hadn’t even really noticed the loneliness seeping in, with kids, work, and his illness, I was too busy to think of myself. I felt like water bubbling down a brook, paying no attention to the things going on around me as life carried me forward through everyday concerns. I look back now and don’t even remember the time passing.
From that night I researched cheating, cheaters, and how to survive without getting caught. Even as my soul was dying my marriage was not negotiable. My research and experience helped me distill the important lessons every cheater should know. I’ve put them together in one place, to help you through what can be one of the most difficult decisions of your life.
I’ve organized them into four categories:
Operational Security — covering your tracks.
Personal Security — protecting yourself.
Information Security — protecting your secrets.
Communications Security — protecting your chats, texts, emails, and calls to your lover.
Follow me as I take you through them.
OPSEC and the Cheater
Operational Security, or OPSEC is a term cheaters use to describe the things they do to avoid being caught.
OPSEC is a process first used by the military to cover its tracks and stop the enemy from figuring out what was going on.
Your spouse is the enemy.
And so is everyone else you know.
Learning to cover your tracks will be the most important part of your affair. These tips will help you think about your own OPSEC.
OPSEC Tip 001
Find an affair partner not connected to your social or work life to remove the risks traditional affair partners pose.
A coworker, neighbour, or family friend are traditional affair partners. Avoid them for that reason.
They know you best, see you often, talk about you behind your back, and increase the chances your cover will be blown.
People aren’t more observant than you think they are, but the more they see the more likely it is they will pick up on those the little things that make a secret affair fun. A stolen glance; a lingering touch; an inside joke. And from there it won’t take much to get their chins wagging.
Strangers pose none of these challenges because they stay outside your social and professional circles.
OPSEC Tip 002
Make any changes slowly to conceal your intentions.
Once you decide to have an affair, the first thing you’ll do is try to drop a few pounds. That’s fine. But you also might want to try a new hairstyle, makeup, or fashion as well.
Cover your tracks by going slowly. Changing things too quickly might not make them think your having an affair, but it won’t take much to get them there if they notice other things.
OPSEC Tip 003
Avoid prostitutes on dating apps.
This is mostly for men. They are out there so be aware. I suppose you might go for it, but if you get caught up in some police thing your cover will be blown.
OPSEC Tip 004
Don’t go dangerously out of your way to make your schedule fit a prospective affair partner’s schedule.
Scheduling is the toughest thing you’ll encounter. He might be perfect, but if he is only available the nights you’re at the soccer field watching your son play, he’s not perfect.
Blowing off established events or making last minute plans with friends will be noticed.
OPSEC Tip 005
Don’t change your schedule too much but if you do, do it over time and be able to back it up by establishing it as a routine or with the help of a wingman.
Build time into your schedule and open up some availability. Join a book club, go to the gym once or twice a week, or work late occasionally. And be sure to really do these things to build credibility. Not many people workout three times a week and gain weight.
A wingman is your trusted agent who knows what you are doing and will not blow your cover. They are the ones who will keep your secrets and keep you out of trouble.
They can also blow up your life, so beware.
OPSEC Tip 006
Be where you said you’d be.
It’s one thing to change restaurants at the last minute and quite another to be on the other side of town. What will you say when your car breaks down, you get a ticket, or have an accident?
If you can’t explain why it happened where it did, you’re in trouble.
Also consider the possibility your spouse is tracking you. Apps like ‘find my phone’ or a cheap GPS tracker hidden in your car will tell him exactly where you’ve been.
Plan your date first and develop your cover story around it and you won’t have to explain unexpected situations.
OPSEC Tip 007
Know your normal pattern of communications with your spouse and kids and maintain it ahead of what you do with your affair partner.
If you answer texts the minute you get them no matter what you are doing, keep doing that. If, all of a sudden, you don’t answer on Tuesday nights, you break your pattern and people will notice.
So, if it is your habit to answer the phone when you’re at the gym riding the bike, you’ll have to answer when your affair partner is riding you.
These are extreme examples, but along with making changes slowly to cover up your affair, you’ll have to keep doing those things people expect of you.
Changes draw attention.
OPSEC Tip 008
Be aware of and don’t change your level of intimacy with your spouse.
This is a tough one. If you are a once a week couple, stay a once a week couple. Some cheaters will draw back from their spouse, while others will beg for more.
Being consistent in bed will give them one less thing to think about.
OPSEC Tip 009
Know how you react to a hurt like a broken heart and then mentally prepare to feel that pain with a smile.
Affairs can be hard on your heart and soul. You’ll face rejection because of your body, age, or shape. Or that lady you are getting to know will go off with someone for a bit of fun because you were trying to be cool about everything, but jealously seizes you. Being ghosted or get dumped will gnaw at you. It hurts.
Now, have that happen an hour before going on a romantic dinner date with your spouse. Can you do it? Can you put on a smile twenty minutes after finding out the guy you like says you aren’t the one for him?
You’ll have no one to talk to, so you’d better find out how you’ll react and come up with a way to get through it alone.
OPSEC Tip 010
The moment you realize you’re neglecting your security, reinvest your effort in reviewing your procedures.
Complacency is a killer. After you’ve been cheating for a while you might start cutting corners because you know what you can get away with.
You will get sloppy and stop covering your tracks. Most cheaters are caught in their fourth year, and it’s not because their spouse got smarter.
The second you think you’ve got everything figured out and don’t need to cover your tracks as much is when the trouble starts. That doesn’t mean you’re a better cheater, it means you’re getting lazy.
Stay tuned! Or, learn more on Amazon — How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress