When Ron* reached out a year ago, I was a little nervous, and didn’t know what to expect. His wife had had an affair several decades before, and he wanted my advice. Ron had discovered it at the time but then repressed it for a long time. The memory, and with it, the pain had just resurfaced when Ron reached out.
He was having difficulty dealing with it and wondered if talking to a cheater would help. Ron wanted to know what my perspective on his wife’s cheating was.
Ok, I thought, let’s see what I can do. Ron started by telling his story.
Background
Like many who came of age in the 1960s, Ron fell in love with and married his high school sweetheart without any previous sexual experience. However, early on, her college friends had suggested to Ron that he was not paying Lynn enough sexual attention. Ron also revealed that he has always had a low libido.
Early in their marriage, Ron and Lynn also had a threesome with one of Ron’s friends, which didn’t go so well for Ron. Lynn and his friend did what some do during a threesome and failed to share their attention equally with Ron. This same man lived with Ron and Lynn for four months several years later.
One night, when Ron came home, he discovered the unmistakable signs of sex between the two on a couch. At that time, Ron confronted Lynn, and she admitted to having sex with the friend but stated they’d only been together once. Ron never saw or suspected any signs Lynn was unfaithful again, with the friend or anyone else.
My Observations
That Ron and Lynn had a threesome with the friend doesn’t mean an open invitation was extended to him. While I’d say what Lynn does with her body is her business, I agree she had an obligation to Ron, which she breached. That breach was the problem, but it had nothing to do with the previous consensual sex.
I’m sure many people will point to the threesome and say, “there you go, it was your fault!” But I don’t. The threesome was an agreement between Ron and Lynn. Ron did not agree to any subsequent sex between the two.
Ron’s main concern was that Lynn denied any other cheating and didn’t satisfy his demand for more details about her affair. She eventually refused to talk about it at all, despite Ron’s obvious pain. That’s when he turned to me and asked what I thought.
My conclusion about Lynn
My thought was that Lynn wasn’t truthful. In my experience, all having illicit sex does is open the door for more. Cheating gets easier, not harder, each time you do it.
If Lynn had previously complained about Ron’s low libido, and had a positive experience with the friend, then it’s unlikely Ron just happened to discover the only time they had sex, but it was perhaps the first time. One assumes you just don’t happen to forget to clean up the physical signs of sex around the house halfway through an affair.
To me, it seems improbable it was the last time though. I don’t see her refusing advances or not seek sex when they were alone, as Ron says they often were because he worked shifts. My guess is that when Ron caught Lynn, she got better at hiding the evidence.
The end game
Ultimately, Ron spoke with the friend, who only admitted to the one encounter. Unfortunately, that seemed to seal the discussion, as there was nowhere else to go.
After we went through the story, I finally asked Ron what he expected learning the details would do. And asked why it mattered if he got Lynn’s full confession.
Cheating once isn’t better than cheating 20 times, and I wasn’t confident the details would help him. Imagine if she opened the flood gates and disclosed 30 years’ worth of cheating with dozens of men? What good could come of that? None.
I then asked what his plan was beyond having Lynn confess. Getting the details is one thing, but then what? Ron had focused on the details for most of our discussion but we spent little time considering what came next. Admittedly, Ron hadn’t reached out for that advice.
There are only ever two options — stay or go. And if it’s stay, then the options become “the status quo” or “work on the marriage.”
I’m not sure leaving was ever something Ron considered, and to his credit, he began working on their relationship and still is. The most significant step was Ron recognizing he wasn’t meeting Lynn’s sexual needs.
What else did Ron have to say?
The following email was lightly edited for length.
December 28th, 2021
Subject: My thoughts on your Self Help post from today
Since I sent you the link to the post by the woman wanting to know how to keep her affair hidden, I’ve been thinking about the harmful aspect of cheating. I have experienced the pain of discovery twice [the first time and then when the repressed memory came back] while only knowing about the one event. I’ve realized that the hurt that I felt was brought on solely by discovering the affair.
I would not have felt that pain if I had not known about the affair. So that leads me to the understanding that if Lynn had known what was in your book, she might not have been discovered that night, and I would not have suffered harm.
While our marriage survived the discovery, it would have survived had I never found out — and I would not have been hurt. My conclusion is that I would rather never have known about the affair. Aside from the pain, my life would not be any different.
If cheating is going to happen, then doing it well from the point of keeping it hidden effectively eliminates the harm suffered by the betrayed person.
Takeaway
If life is going to be the same either way, and the cheater wants that, then hiding the affair will save pain. I’m not here to pass judgment as many would and often do. But, I feel for Ron and can’t help but think that he’s right — not knowing is better if the outcome will be the same.
And that’s the end game I asked Ron about. If the plan is to stay together, why not skip to that and leave the details behind? All hearing about other encounters would have done is push the future further away.
*Names and some circumstances have been changed to protect those mentioned in this story. In case anyone was interested, Ron’s email was used with permission.
This story prompted Ron to send the above email, although we have been corresponding for a year this January 15th, 2021, and this and many other subjects of mutual interest —
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2021