Greeted as Liberators? | Foreign Affairs

Dick Cheney stood on Meet the Press in 2003 and told us all that American troops would be greeted as liberators in Iraq. That worked out great.

I think about that a lot when I'm on Ashley Madison.

There's a type of man who shows up in your inbox like he's rolling in with a banner and a brass band. He's here to rescue you from your terrible husband, your boring life, and whatever sadness he's decided you must be feeling. He's the good stuff. He's what you've been waiting for. He doesn't actually say any of this out loud — he doesn't have to. It drips off every message like sweat.

I had one last spring. I'll call him Captain Save-a-Ho, because that's exactly what he was.

His opening message was — and I'm paraphrasing — "I can give you what your husband clearly can't." He hadn't seen my profile photo. He'd never spoken to me. He knew exactly nothing about my husband or my marriage. But he'd already decided he was the liberator and I was the grateful local, ready to throw flowers at his feet.

I typed back one word: "Cool."

He never recovered from that.

Here's the holy shit moment nobody talks about: most of the men who show up on Ashley Madison aren't there because they have something extraordinary to offer. They're there because something's missing at home. Same as the women. They're not liberators. They're refugees. Welcome to the camp, pal — grab a cot. We're all in the exact same situation.

The fantasy that women on these sites are trembling with gratitude the second a man appears? That is the Cheney Doctrine of extramarital sex. And it fails for the exact same reasons. You can't liberate someone who isn't waiting to be saved. You just create a mess and then stand around confused, wondering why nobody's waving a flag at you.

Captain Save-a-Ho couldn't figure out why I wasn't falling all over myself. He escalated fast. Told me what a "real man" looked like. Sent me a photo I absolutely did not ask for. Explained, twice, that most women appreciated his directness. I never let him get to a third.

I told him most women had probably been lying to him, and that was that.

Here's what the liberator type fundamentally does not understand: the women on these platforms who are actually worth your time are not desperate. They made a deliberate, calculated decision to be there. They've thought about it, probably more than you have. They know what they want, they've accepted the trade-offs, and they don't need you to explain their own lives to them. They don't need rescuing. They need a partner. One who shows up as an equal, not as a Medal of Freedom waiting to be gratefully accepted.

The men who actually get somewhere on these sites? They arrive curious, not certain. They ask questions instead of making pronouncements. They read the profile, and more importantly, they absorb what it says. They understand they are one option in a field of options and they behave accordingly. You know what a man looks like when he's genuinely good at this? He makes you feel chosen, not processed.

The practical stuff, since you stuck around for it:

Stop leading with what you can give her. She didn't post a wish list. She doesn't know you yet. What she needs to understand is who you are — not your inventory. The offer comes later, after she decides she gives a damn.

Stop implying her husband is a failure. You don't know him. She might love that man. She might be sleeping happily beside him tonight. Her affair has nothing to do with whether he's adequate. That's way above your pay grade.

And please, for the love of everything, stop arriving like you're doing anyone a favor. Nobody called in the troops. Nobody asked for air support. If you want to be welcomed, show up like a human being, not a foreign policy decision.

Dick Cheney was wrong about Iraq because he confused wishful thinking with actual strategy. You can make the exact same mistake in someone's inbox.

The occupation never goes the way you plan it. Trust me on that one.