In a long-term marriage, happiness often masks our desires and complexities. The following discussion provides insight into such a marriage. The original poster (OP), a 40-year-old woman, admits to infidelity throughout her 16-year marriage. Despite describing her relationship as content and fulfilling, she reveals her struggle with a high libido and a need for constant validation, which she satisfies through extramarital fun.
Her problem starts when her latest friend-with-benefits (FWB) insists on her husband’s consent before getting down to business. The OP challenge is approaching her husband. Should she confess her infidelity or continue in secret?
She broached the idea of a stag-vixen lifestyle where they meet couples together for fun. She asked him if he didn’t like the idea of her getting dressed up and flirting with other guys, but always coming home to him.
He flatout rejected that, telling her if she wanted that they should just divorce now. But, they went on to have a great sexy night. The next night, when she got home after a dressy PG-13 date with the FWB, he got fired up again, for a second night in a row — something he’d not done for years.
Unseen Struggles and Agreements
The responses to OP’s situation show the issues involved. One says, “Some relationships have elements that are not conducive. I would consider a FWB insisting that I tell my husband, ‘not conducive’.”
Another advises, “God, no. Get a new FWB; that one isn’t aligned with your needs.”
“Knowing other men find your wife attractive but she’s yours is very different to knowing she fucks them and still comes home.”
I’m in this group. Plenty of FWBs out there will do fine with a married friend and hub in the dark. Sure, the kids love ethical non-monogamy, but the reality is that saying it makes them feel special. Because they all need to feel special, don’t they?
Get a new one lady!
The Husband
There are some varied interpretations of the husband’s understanding of the situation. One suggests two possibilities: “he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know” or “he suspects something…but wants things as you two have created them.”
This highlights a potential ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ (DADT) dynamic in their relationship. If that’s the case, then DADT about the DADT dynamic. Let it ride.
Other is more clear, “Respectfully, I think this is wishful thinking on your part.” I agree that the OP’s belief that her husband might be knowingly complicit in her affairs, is a bit of stretch. Was he responding to the sexy talk by trying to satisfy her, rather than get off on it? That would be my first guest.
Honesty Will Sink Your Boat
“Bail. Pretty unequivocal that he’s not okay with it.” Straightforward advice about the super high risk of revealing the truth.
“If you dare to say that you have been cheating your whole marriage you are gonna buy a one-way ticket to divorce.” Adds another.
This is exactly what honesty will get you.
What confuses me is why this one guy? She’d cheated for 16 years with all sorts of men, so what makes this one “the one.” Affairs come and go, and she knows that. I wonder if she’s caught feels for him or lusting after him because he said no?
The Fantasy vs. Reality
“Maybe he just likes the thought of you dressing up and men checking you out.” This suggests a bit of a fantasy element distinct from the reality of infidelity. My lover tells me he loves men checking me out. He says it makes him feel like, look what I’ve got.
One commenter advised using imagination and storytelling “to enhance the sexual relationship with the husband, thereby circumventing the need for actual confessions or changes in the dynamic.”
I don’t know about this tho. She mentioned waking him up with bj’s and sending him dirty pics while he was at work and said he hated that. The other problem with this advice is it puts the labor on her. She said he works long hours (60+) a week, and she works full time and looks after the house and family. And this guy wants her to do a bit more.
Takeaway
I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I think there’s more. Is it guilt for cheating? Is it lust for the FWB who’s playing hard to get? What is it, that has caused her to ask this question for the first time in 16 years?
From everything I read, her and hub aren’t on the same page. If she decides to ask about the FWB she’s going to ruin everything she has because it will all come out. If he says ‘no’ but it isn’t all ruined, he will be suspicious of her for the rest of their marriage. She won’t be able to go to the grocery story without him suspecting her, and trust me, she’ll still want to go to the grocery store.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023