This summer, and by summer I mean — starting today, I am opening the floodgates and freeing my deepest and darkest sexual fantasies. The ones I’ve never admitted to. The ones I’ve been ashamed to speak their name. The ones that make me blush. The ones that will make my mother turn in her grave.
I’m going until the well runs dry, and I’m not going to regret a single thing. This, my 51st year is the year I will own my body and sexuality completely.
This summer is mine, for me, and only me.
If you stick with me, I’ll let you take a peek behind the curtain.
How did I get here?
When I started cheating nearly four years ago I wanted one thing — SEX. I thought it was all that I was missing in my life. I soon came to realize after having a little sex, that I was missing something else — INTIMACY.
These two things are inextricably linked in many ways, but you can have one without the other, but they are best together.
When I started out I very quickly fell in with a man who gave me both in spades. So much so that I fell in love with him. I don’t think there’s much point in resisting love, despite it being a four-letter word in this game.
I’d been with other men as we began to get to know each other and I found that I wasn’t inclined to fall in love with just anyone, even with the nice things they did to me. Despite them, my lover waited.
My lover was the constant, and eventually, the measuring stick by which all other men were judged.
After a year of seeing him and others, we became exclusive, because it was what I needed at the time. Covid was hard, but we managed to spend a few weekends together and took a week-long trip last summer. It was wonderful having him there — my constant companion.
Over that time we experimented with other people and I enjoyed it. I discovered that when my lover was there, no matter what else was happening to either of us sexually, it was as if we were making love to each other if that makes sense.
But it’s no longer enough.
What’s the problem?
There is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now and think it’s time to either do it or regret not doing it forever. It sounds stupid to think it, let alone write the words, but I want a slutty summer.
It sounds childish, but I’ve never had one. Even when I first started cheating I was pretty constrained and selective with who I saw — for good reason. Now though, I’m less worried about who I meet because I know what to look for. I can spot a red flag a mile away and I know how to subtly test and evaluate suitors.
I’m not worried about having a problem with someone, but my guard is up.
Why do I want a slutty summer?
I want it for me. I see it as my sexual liberation. My summer of love. My entire life I’ve waited for men to choose me. I never got to choose a man until I joined Ashley Madison, and frankly, I found it exhilarating.
What I didn’t know then, but do now, is what my desires and fantasies really looked like. I’ve suppressed them, denied them, and hidden from them. This journey has let me scratch their surface, but not more. My relationship with and commitment to my lover stopped me from going deeper.
As time wears on, I feel their hold over me. I feel like the clock is running down, and if not now, then when will I get the chance?
This isn’t about me turning into a fuck bunny and pouncing on every hard cock I see (sorry local boys, if I haven’t given you a sign, you aren’t getting one). It’s about me choosing the sorts of men and women I’ve always wanted to have a torrid affair with and going for it.
And to be completely honest, I’ve been jealous of MonalisaSmiled’s voyage of discovery and her “try before you buy” approach. I know she’s been hurt and that her trip hasn’t been a bed of roses, but I want some of what she’s had — the coffees, the lunches, the dates, afternoon blowjobs in the car, the cat and mouse games, and all the rest.
I’m not looking for love, I’m looking for lust.
What does my lover think?
Pretty much what you’d expect.
He’s had exclusive access for three years and like most boys, has a hard time sharing when he’s not in the room. I get it.
Our other problem is that he’s my business partner and while he works in the background, you’d be surprised how deeply we’re linked.
I don’t think there’d have been a Teresa J. Conway without him, and I’m not sure there will be one if this all falls apart. We both know that. He also knows that after nearly four years I feel like I’ve replaced what I had, with what I had (sex notwithstanding) and that I want more.
He’s promised to hang on for now, and that’s what I love about him. He understands me better than my husband does. He loves me more than my husband does.
We were together today having some of the best sex we’ve ever had with a level of intimacy I’ve never known before him. Why would I risk that? I don’t know, but I am.
We came to an agreement on how it will work — more on that later, but he knows I’ll write about it and that I’m no one’s hotwife. This sex is for me, not anyone else.
We decided today that I’d announce this new chapter in my relationship with myself, so here it is.
This isn’t about love, it’s about lust.
This is why I have been quiet
I’ve been thinking about this since Christmas. I’ve been looking for a spark because my tank is empty. My writing has been listless and lifeless, and things I used to enjoy here have faded. When I sat at my computer over these last few months I’ve responded to emails, read stories, and left comments, but I didn’t write.
I’ve been writing profiles and messages on AM for clients though, which has been fun, but nothing more. As I did that, I’d also received messages on my AM account. Most were from easily dismissed losers, but not all of them.
Some were intriguing, others flattering, and still more got downright hot. And that got me thinking about what I wanted, not out of my relationship with my lover, but in life.
What do I want to remember on my death bed?
Endless questioning and self-doubt
Figuring these out is what took the longest —
- What do I want and how would I go about it?
- Would I cheat on my lover? If I did I couldn’t write about it.
- Would we open up our relationship?
- Would he want to read about it?
- Could he?
- Would I let him find someone too?
- How would I deal with that?
- Could I?
Jealousy runs through my veins when it comes to him, or any man I’ve been with. Guilt however has always been in short supply.
There were too many questions and I was afraid of the answers. Because like everyone — I want it all. I want my cake and more cake. As these things spun around in my head, I lost interest in writing. That’s when he noticed and began to talk.
Seriously, I am risking the best relationship I’ve ever had because I want more and different sex with more and different people. Will it be worth it?
I’ll let you know in October when I reveal the body count.
And if you’ve read anything I’ve written, you know this is my mantra —
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2022