I don’t care about your wife — I have my own problems. When your affair partner (AP) starts comparing you to their spouse after sex it sort of kills the mood. Trash-talking about your spouse and comparing them unfavorably to your AP is douchy.
Men are kinda stupid sometimes. Men often confuse what they would like to hear with what she’d like to hear. They think that way because if a woman said the same thing to the guy, he would be like —
“I’m the man! High-five, baby”
Telling me that I fuck better than wifey will make me want to high-five you in the face with my fist.
Why?
It will remind me that I probably fuck better than your wife because I don’t have to put up with your Homer Simpson antics day in and day out. I don’t have to laugh at your stupid jokes 24/7. I don’t have to threaten you to get you off your ass to do something around the house.
You being a lazy shit is probably why your wife mails it. Do you want a blow-job? Clean a fucking toilet or two without being asked.
But that’s just me.
Original Poster’s put this up on Reddit and got a flurry of comments.
“So… relatively new to the game. I (33F) have a couple of pAPs, but I’m still talking to other people. Anyway, I’ve noticed that there seems to be a preponderance of MM [married men] that seem to enjoy bringing up how much of a better job (sexually) I could do than their spouse. I’m extremely turned off by it, but I decided to think about why it was such a turn off.”
The Immediate Turn-Off
Some people find this kind of talk to be an instant mood killer. They feel that it’s disrespectful and raises red flags about how the affair partner views women in general. “The second a man compares me in any way to his spouse I get the ick. It makes me feel like he’s looking for replacement parts for his wife rather than me as a whole person,” says DoubtfulDaffodil.
“Literally any time I hear a man shit talk his spouse, I just want to know her side of the story more. Biggest turn-off in affairs ever,” adds DoingTheThingAgain.
“It feels like I am being objectified, like I am just a tool for their pleasure,” shares AnonAffairSeeker.
Negative comparisons are a hard no. It’s a sign of disrespect and a red flag for deeper issues. A simple comparison a man thinks is a compliment reveals alot about their character. It’s a reminder that affairs, like any other relationship, need a foundation of respect, and that starts with how we talk about other spouses. My recommendation?
STFU about your wife.
Empathetic Listeners
Some are willing to listen without engaging in the negosphere. They listen, but don’t add fuel. “When MM vents about his wife, I either just listen or respond with, well, she must do something right. Because the truth is; she’s probably not all bad, but not perfect either,” shares CaliHzlEyes.
“I listen, but I make it clear that I won’t engage in bashing someone I don’t know. It’s about setting boundaries,” states PatientListener99.
Listening is cool, but maintaining a neutral stance is best. Avoiding getting sucked into the negativity. Don’t become part of the drama.
Strictly No-Spouse-Talk Club
No talking about spouses, period is the best place to start an affair. The affair is an escape. She doesn’t need to be reminded of the reality that their partner is married. “I don’t want to talk about partners at all. I’m not there to learn anything about the spouse,” states FoolishHearts18.
“I have made it clear I don’t want to talk about spouses beyond normal stuff in passing. I especially don’t want to know their sex life with SO,” echoes Persephonification.
“It helps me keep emotional distance. I’m here for fun, not drama,” explains CasualCat.
Remember, an affair is an escape. I want to see you at your best. I want to be Pussy Galore to your James Bond, not Marge to your Homer. You bitching about your wife also reminds them of their own faults. In the early stages, keep it out of the bed.
Bonding Through Venting
And sure, like we learned in English 101, we need to look beyond our view and present an alternate view from the people who are wrong. Some view negative spouse talk as a form of intimacy or bonding with their affair partner. It creates a sense of shared secrets and emotional closeness.
“When he vents about his wife, it feels like we are closer, like he trusts me with his real feelings,” shares IntimateInsider.
“It’s like we are in this together, against the world. It’s us versus them,” adds RebelRomantic.
I get it; shared misery is a way to feel closer, but toxic bonding will only get you so far.
The Reassures
Some admit they talk negatively about their spouse to reassure their affair partner of their special place in their life. “I want her to know she’s not just a fling. I talk down about my spouse to show that my AP is more important to me,” admits GuiltyGent. “It’s a way to prove that I am serious about my AP, that they are not just a side piece,” explains CommittedCheater. Conclusion: This strategy aims to elevate the affair partner by diminishing the spouse. But is it a genuine reassurance, or a manipulation tactic? That’s the million-dollar question.
Takeaways
Whether you’re the type to shut down spouse talk immediately, lend a sympathetic ear without engaging, set strict boundaries from the get-go, bond through venting, or use comparisons as a reassurance strategy, the key is to navigate these waters in a way that feels right for you.
Put these in your toolbox for next time —
Respect is Key: Negative comparisons to a spouse can feel disrespectful and raise red flags about how a partner may treat women more broadly.
Boundaries: Whether it’s a strict ‘no spouse talk’ rule or a more flexible stance, setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining your affair.
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Open.ai’s ChatGPT 4 may have supported the development of this story. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t, but I’ll just leave this here all the time.
© Teresa J. Conway, 2023