Community Pharmacy England Is Hiring a Public Affairs Team and I Am Extremely Qualified

I nearly applied. Hand to god. I was scrolling through my feed when Community Pharmacy England's job posting for their public affairs and influencing team stopped me cold.

Public affairs.

Influencing.

I've been doing both of those things for fifteen years. Just not for pharmacies.

Here's what they want: someone to "build and maintain relationships with key stakeholders," "develop and deliver persuasive messaging," "identify and respond to policy developments," and "represent the organization's interests with authority and credibility."

I read that twice and thought — this is my CV. Word for word, this is literally what I do. My stakeholders just wear considerably less clothing, and my policy developments happen in hotel rooms rather than Westminster committee rooms.

The influencing piece especially got me. Because if you think lobbying MPs for better dispensing fees is a skill, you've never had to convince a suspicious spouse that the two-hour gap in your afternoon was a dentist appointment and not what it clearly was. That is influencing. That is stakeholder management at its absolute apex.

Then I pulled up the full job description. And here's where it got interesting.

They want someone who can "manage competing priorities under pressure." They want "excellent written and verbal communication skills." They want the ability to "build trust rapidly with people at all levels." And they want someone with "experience navigating complex political landscapes."

Holy shit.

I have spent the better part of two decades navigating landscapes so politically complex they'd make a Westminster whip weep. You want competing priorities? Try managing a husband, a job, an affair partner, and a school pickup schedule while your phone is blowing up and you're attempting to look completely normal in the Sainsbury's checkout line. That is pressure management. That is executive-level juggling. Put it on my LinkedIn.

The truth is, the skills that make someone good at public affairs and influencing are exactly the skills that make someone competent at adultery. This isn't a coincidence — it's human nature.

Both require you to know your audience. In pharmacy policy, your audience is NHS commissioners and local MPs. In an affair, it's your partner, their partner, the curious neighbor, and the bartender at the pub you probably shouldn't be at. Both require reading the room, adjusting your message, and knowing when to push and when to shut the hell up and wait it out.

Both require airtight messaging. Nothing undermines your credibility faster than contradicting yourself — whether you're testifying before a select committee or explaining why you smell like someone else's perfume. Stick to one story. Embroider it gently if needed. Never add new details under pressure. New details are where everything falls apart.

Both require relationship maintenance. You don't build trust with a key stakeholder and then disappear for six weeks. You check in. You remember what matters to them. You show up consistently. Sound familiar?

And both require knowing when to exit gracefully. The worst public affairs disasters happen when someone who should've stepped back held on too long. Same with affairs. The spectacular blowups are almost always the ones where someone couldn't read the signs and walk away clean.

So if Community Pharmacy England is reading this — you're looking for the same qualities I spend my time developing in the men I coach. Which is either a sobering commentary on the state of public life, or a tribute to how universal these skills actually are.

Probably both.

Here's my advice for anyone applying, and feel free to apply this to whatever situation you're currently navigating:

Know your audience and what they need. Tailor everything accordingly — what works with one stakeholder will absolutely blow up in your face with another.

Keep your messaging consistent. Write it down if it helps. Review it before you open your mouth. Especially under pressure.

Build trust slowly. People who demand it immediately are the ones with the most to hide. Funny how that works, in politics and everywhere else.

Respond to developments in a timely manner. Whether that's a change in NHS funding policy or your spouse suddenly asking pointed questions about your Tuesday afternoons, silence is the worst possible response. Acknowledge, adapt, move on.

Community Pharmacy England, good luck filling the role. The right candidate will be discreet, persuasive, politically savvy, and excellent under pressure.

If they're also free Tuesday afternoons, tell them I said hi.