Do I even need to say more? I really hope not because it should be self-evident. If you don’t appreciate your spouse in the simplest of ways, how do you expect them to remain faithful?
Many cheaters will understand this, but if you’ve been cheated on and happen to run across this article, it might answer some questions for you.
This from Reddit’s r/adultery —
Original Poster’s Statement: “Today is my husband’s birthday. I have already purchased coffee and lunch for him and have not received any kind of thank you. More than likely, they will hear how I didn’t get him a gift and that I was ‘late’ even though I was the first person to tell him. This is why we get lost. This is where we start looking for validation.”
The Victim Narrative
“He wants to be the victim. My husband did it all the time,” says Tipsy_Elephant_1224.
Some partners, consciously or unconsciously, adopt a victim mentality. They may constantly portray themselves as the wronged party, regardless of the reality. This can be emotionally draining for their spouse, who may feel like no matter what they do, it’s never enough.
If that’s what you’re doing, don’t be surprised if she goes out with the girls more.
“The reason why he is not telling anyone about your generosity is that it goes against his narrative that he is the victim in your relationship,” adds JAG_Sage19.
Silent Sacrifices
We’ve all been there — making sacrifices that seem to go completely unnoticed. Sound familiar?
“I was making $12.50 an hour… I bought him a few things with what little money I had that wasn’t put towards bills,” shares the original poster.
Many spouses make silent sacrifices, big or small, that go unnoticed or unappreciated. These overlooked acts of love can lead to feelings of resentment and emotional distance.
If you feel like your partner’s mailing it in, take a look at yourself.
“You tried very hard and did everything possible despite limitations and circumstances,” empathizes JustPhilMePlease.
Craving Affection
Imagine sitting alone, tears streaming, because you’re starving for affection. Have you felt this way?
“Right now I’m sitting alone crying because I’m craving that level of attention so much,” reveals the original poster.
When affection and appreciation are lacking in a relationship, it creates a void. This void is what leads us to seek validation and affection elsewhere. Interestingly, men who cheat report feeling this way more than women, according to Alica Walker, in Chasing Masculinity: Men, Validation, and Infidelity.
“I am truly sorry you were treated that way. It was uncalled for and unfair,” sympathizes Sneaky_Anonymouse.
The Impact of Communication (or Lack Thereof)
Communication, or the lack of it, plays a significant role in these situations. “He never mentions it, and I’m sure he doesn’t even remember,” the original poster says, referring to a past gift that went unacknowledged.
When communication breaks down, small slights become significant. It’s not just a forgotten ‘thank you’; it’s feeling seen and valued in the relationship. And we all know who sees us — our affair partners. Many people cheat just to feel what they’re missing at home.
“I’m sorry your husband is beyond selfish. Celebrating someone is a wonderful gift on of itself,” says JustPhilMePlease, highlighting the emotional weight that simple acts of acknowledgment can carry.
Takeaways
As many of you suspect, I’m not a marriage counselor. If there is such a thing, I’m an affair counselor, not that I counsel people to cheat, but counsel them how to cheat if that’s what they want to do. So, I’m not going to bang on about communication because that’s a two-way street.
The other party in a marriage doesn’t need to be reminded they need to carry their share of the emotional weight, but not saying thank you? That’s just bullshit. If your partner can’t say thank you, I’d say your marriage was a mistake.
In a shitty marriage, you need to take care of #1. You need to build up your emotional health and set boundaries. For me, a lack of thanks is a deal breaker, and I make that clear.
If a relationship is causing more pain than joy, it may be time to reevaluate it. As AwarenessHuge1584 puts it, “You clearly deserve to be treated with the respect and dignity due every human being.”
No shit.
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Open.ai’s ChatGPT 4 may have supported the development of this story. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t, but I’ll just leave this here all the time.
© Teresa J. Conway, 2023