Because I guess I forgot what the feeding frenzy was like, I decided to make a new profile on Ashley Madison tonight. Suzie took about three minutes to put together once I found the sexy stock Unsplash picture (above) that I had on my phone.
My profile
Suzie was 5’4”, 140 lbs, my body shape was “a few extra pounds,” and I was “undecided” about how I wanted my holes filled. My quote was, “Meet the new girl,” and all my write up said was, “looking for some fun on the down low.”
I listed my interests and desires:
- Conventional sex
- Cuddling & hugging
- Foreplay/teasing
- Oral sex
- Romantic
- Wine
Let the games begin, I am ready
9:25 — My profile went live
9:30 — I received my first message from Geek101,
“Hey there how goes :)”
Hey there, if that’s a question, use a question mark.
9:33 — Bradleyx3456 chose me and sent me two messages,
“Love the saying…on the down low,” then “Curious to learn more.”
Grammarly Pro isn’t going to like that ellipsis Bradley, trust me. I know these things…
Rando profiles
9:35 — I start checking out profiles.
Jackbequick wrote,
Please be willing to share photos when connecting…makes it easier on both of us to decide if there is the instant physical attraction. This is a physical first, connection second endeavour regardless of whether we want to admit it or not. Only fair that we can ‘see’ each other before determining if we want to ‘see’ each other.
What I read,
Please be willing to show me your fat ass and tummy first…makes it easier on both if I pass before putting in any effort. I have to like your body before talking to you, so I just want to let you know that right now. It’s only fair that I waste as little time on you as possible before deciding if your mouth is worthy of my cock.
9:40 — Big403 chose me.
Petitlapin wrote,
I do not do one night stands; I’d like to find someone fun and easy going. I am not into intense pain but am willing to play with anything. I like having some kind of connection before we play. I get turned on by a woman getting turned on, I like watching her reactions when I play with her.
What I read,
I’m a gentleman who is interested in you and hope you don’t take yourself too seriously. I’m not adventurous, but I am willing to try, though I need to get to know you first. Once I do, I will make you the center of attention.
Goofy (yes, it was goofy, with a little twist I removed to render him untraceable) wrote,
Let’s have some fun.
What I read,
I’m so fun and loveable that I don’t need to tell you anything about me. Like how my uncle was John Wayne Gacy, who wasn’t gay but only killed teen boys. Also, I like women who put the lotion on their body when they’re told to.
I_have_a_BMW wrote,
I am in shape and females should also be. I have checked off a few boxes but seeing is believing and that is true. Photo exchanges are a start and then we see what is next.
What I read,
I’m not fat, and I don’t want a fat chick. Sure, I’ve filled out my profile a bit to let you know what I want, but I’d like to see what I’m getting into; before I think about letting you touch the leather in my BMW, did I mention I had a BMW? I’m going to need to see your ass.
Pondering_it_3 wrote,
A big brain is always sexy! Yum. Let’s chat and see if there’s a mental connection. Please send me a wink to check out your profile.
What I read,
I’m not into dumb chicks, so let’s see what you’ve got upstairs first. Your first test of mental agility is to show me you’re worth my time by pushing a button and letting me know to check you out. I couldn’t be bothered to go after the pussy myself, so I let it come to me, because I don’t know how this works.
Gman416 wrote,
I try to keep myself fit. I run regularly and watch what I eat. I don’t expect you to be a super model (you can eat!) but I don’t desire someone I can’t put my arms around.
What I read,
I need someone who can keep up, so sure, have a healthy appetite, but I still expect you to look like a model, just not a supermodel, because that’s a little too much to ask, isn’t it? I realize I’m only 5’4”, so you’re going to have to be small to fit in my asshole dwarf arms, so put that Snickers down.
4RealNoGames wrote,
I have no definite image of the woman I would like to spend time with, however, you must take care of yourself. I am looking for someone that is active, healthy, and comfortable with your appearance.
What I read,
I’m not that picky as long as you are not a fat pig.
LostNomad wrote,
Quiet people have the loudest minds. An interesting, intelligent, woman. A spark. Chemistry makes everything better.
What I read,
I started off ok, didn’t I? But now I wish I’d told you more about myself so that you could see if I’m the sort of guy you’d like. With so little written about myself, I can see why you’d just move on.
More messages
10:08 — Cal2020D, “Hi there. How are you? Would you like to have a chat?”
Hi there yourself! I’m very good, thank you!
10:10 — SharkyNado, “Hello Suzy…I am on fire for discrete fun…..Let’s ride the momentum to pleasure dear!”
Hello Sharky, it’s Suzie. And no, let’s not ride the puke bus to vomit town together; I’m good to walk, thanks.
10:20 — Danthony, “I’ve granted you access to my private photos”
Dhey Danthony, I Ddon’t Dwant to Dsee Dyour Dcock Dright Dnow, Dthanks.
10:36 — Cal2020D, “I’m looking for someone respectful passionate and discreet.”
Hi Cal, I’m looking for someone who knows what a comma does.
Back to profiles
I.Am.A.Great.Dude wrote,
I’m the cliché officer and gentleman. I’m looking for that classy lady by day and hot vixen by night. I want an evening together over dinner and drinks to be as enjoyable as the night afterwards.
What I read,
I’m an officer and gentleman, except for the cheating thing I do, who wants a presentable lady to look good on my fine military arm by day and turns into a sweaty male reindeer at night. I’d also like to have one of your husband’s friends see us out on the town when you were supposed to be at book club.
Stud_in_the_hood wrote,
I’m tall, fit and strong, and I tend to be a little on the dominant side. I’m always up for some stimulating conversation over coffee or drinks, and of course other stimulating activities as well.
What I read,
I’m a big strong asshole, and I will do what I want with you once you are naked. I don’t mind talking as long as we fuck after.
10:57 — Twenty-one men have viewed my profile.
Wrapping up
11:15 — Editing on this piece is done, and two more messages are received.
In an hour and fifty minutes, most of the random profiles I looked at didn’t want fat or heavy women. I am not right now, but them needing to see my ass before committing to me is a little off-putting. I am more than my ass. One wanted me to be a reindeer and blow up my life, and two others didn’t give me enough to convince me they were worthwhile.
Of them all, the one I found the most decent was Mr. Little Rabbit (Petitlepin), who seemed like my sort of man. He could write, seemed humble, and wanted me to be at the center of his attention when we were together. Was it bullshit? I don’t know, but it sounded good.
Am I going to look again? No, I’m pleased with my lover and can’t imagine life without him. I only made this profile to see what the men were writing these days and use it in this article.
If only more men had write-ups like Mr. Little Rabbit and wrote less about what my ass should look like, I think the world would be a better place.
Here’s how Ashley Madison is going for one man I’ve helped —
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