Some people live their whole lives in their primary relationship hating the sex they have with their partner. I never hated the sex with my partner, but I sure missed it all those years. So, when I stepped out, I told myself I wouldn’t regret the sex. There was no way I was going to risk it all for something that wasn’t even worth doing.
The Cheater & His Dilemma
Looking for some advice regarding my current AP. My current AP and I have been together for five months online before meeting for the first time 3 months ago. Things online were amazing — the conversation flowed, we had so much in common, she is so very sexy and we had some really hot discussions. When we met for the first time (just lunch), the passion and conversation continued, and our lunch turned into six hours of talking, and eventually making out in the parking lot for 20 minutes.
We’ve met five times since, all of them have been all-day hotel meets. The passion is still there, the conversation, the humor.
BUT, the sex is not very good.
I am not enjoying it, and it is starting to affect me. I’ve been putting off our next meeting due to “work” obligations. The last session I kept looking at my phone hoping an excuse would come up to end early.
It is hard to describe what the issue is, but I do not find sex with her pleasurable. For example, her oral skills aren’t very good and I’ve tried telling her “how I like it” nicely, but it hasn’t improved. I orgasm, but –
I came harder masturbating to her videos.
She seems to be enjoying the sex, her orgasms seem to be intense, and she wants to meet again sooner rather than later. She’s even offered to stop by my office or meet for a quickie as we work on aligning our schedules.
My question is how should I approach this?
Do I tell her? And how do you tell someone you are not enjoying the sex with them? Or ignore it and hope it improves? Do I give more instruction even though that has not worked so far? Do I break up with her? I like her and do not want to hurt her feelings, and I feel either lying or telling her the truth are going to end up hurting her.
Full disclosure- my search for an AP was driven more by physical need than companionship/emotional support, which could also be why this is impacting me as it is. Yet I do enjoy other aspects of the relationship.
There’s a lot going on here, but look at his bottom line — he’s cheating to fill a physical need and not for the emotional connection. Here’s what Redditors had to offer –
Redditor 1
I don’t think you need to tell her the reason that you are discontinuing the relationship. I don’t think being “honest”is going to help her — because good sex can be very subjective. Honesty is only helpful if the sex can be measurably changed. I would say –
“I have enjoyed getting to know you, but what I am about to say next is not an easy truth. You are smart and funny, and we have had some fantastic conversations. This relationship though is no longer working for me, so this is going to be goodbye.”
You just need to be kind and clear. If she asks why, be firm and say that it’s not exactly what you are looking for.
If she freaks out, block her.
My other advice is do NOT do this in person, unless you warn her before you meet that you “have to talk and it’s not going to be an easy conversation.” You do not want her to think you are meeting up for a date, have her get all dolled up and then drop the hammer. That is humiliating.
My takeaway from this one is only be honest if you think the sex will change. If it won’t, then don’t bother with the truth.
Redditor 2
The online connection is great, but you have to be true to yourself in that you didn’t dig this girl from that first meet and only moved forward because a hole is a hole, right? (excuse the language). Your disclosure of “…driven more by physical…” is the copout you need to think yourself as a good person and letting this girl down easy. Just send the break-up message and continue on your search for someone compatible.
I agree that sending the break-up message and moving on is probably a good way to go. Short and sweet, no explanations, and no further communications.
Redditor 3
In this situation, I believe in either 100% truth or a straight up lie to avoid harm. Either tell her exactly how you feel or, “my wife suspects something’s going on and I can’t continue”. Either way, be crystal clear it’s over.
I like this idea of lying to avoid harm. There is no need to hurt her confidence by saying you don’t like her blowjobs, because sex is subjective and the next guy she’s with might want to live in her mouth because of the way she sucks him.
Redditor 4
Jesus, control the sex (w/o crossing lines of course) and take charge.
There’s a lot to be said for this one. Take charge and do what you want with her. It might turn her on; it sure as hell turns me. I love surrendering to a man who knows what he wants and takes it.
Your Adulterous Faery Godmother’s Advice
Here’s what I left him, which is the underlying premise of both my book on adultery and my approach to adultery —
You might regret the affair one day, but never regret the sex.
Think about that. If you are going to risk it all for sex, why risk it for shitty sex? Life is too damn short for shitty sex.
Honestly, I’d tell her what you want and how you want it — and give her the same chance — or walk. What I find about my affair is that it’s the first time in my life I can talk to my partner about sex — what I want — what I don’t want — how I like it — how I don’t like it — and so on. The bottom line here is this –
If you can have better sex jerking off, then jerk off — it’s safer, because you might regret the affair one day, but never regret the sex.
If you like this one, you might like how I came up with what became my own adulterous motto —
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