I was cruising reddit’s r/adultery today and I came across a post I could have written three years ago. It reminded me of my first time stepping out after 23 years of marriage and how I felt. It was daunting. A million things ran through my mind, like — would I remember what to do after a decade?
The difference between me and this lucky lady is I didn’t have anyone to help me. I’d not found r/adultery by then, and my research had only just begun. I wish I had the people helping me who’ve helped her. It would have been so much easier.
Tossed23 wrote— I’m so nervous to sleep with my affair partner!! Gah…! When you have slept with the same person, basically your whole like, now you are going to sleep with someone new, AND they will see you naked. What if he hates what he sees or what if I’m really terrible in bed… I have been with my husband for 17 years and only had a couple partners before him. I don’t feel like I have a lot of experience. I’m a bit fluffy and don’t love my body after having a child. Hr has kids so I’m sure he gets it, to an extent. Ahhh. How to I get out of my own head?
As I said, that was me! So how did the redditors respond to her pre-fuck jitters?
… but when it’s right and you’re ready you’ll know.
Wlker876 replied — My husband had been the only person I’ve slept with and seen me naked. To say I was terrified to sleep with someone else was an understatement. But let me tell you, we went on our first date and it was so perfect. We went to the hotel afterwards and I was so nervous walking up there but once we got in there nothing was even a question for me anymore. He pulled me in for the most passionate kiss and I forgot everything and didn’t care about anything else and just let it happen. It felt SO right. Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with but when it’s right and you’re ready you’ll know.
This was my experience too — the fear and anxiety melted away when he put his hands on me that first time and told me how beautiful I was.
HitchedHub replied — Just go for it! It may be terrible, or it may be great, but the only way to find out is to do it. Just try to relax and go with the flow. Maybe a glass of wine might help… Tell us how it went!
HH has got a point, because you won’t know if you don’t try, and yes, a glass of wine does help ;)
You will be hooked!
Crypto-Leg-555 replied — Hi, this is very similar to my ex-Affair Partner. She had gained some weight after having children and didn’t have the body of a porn star. Her significant other didn’t want to see her naked anymore but I wanted to. I loved it. I wanted to — and DID! — I kiss all over her. She was nervous at first but that quickly faded. I agree with Mittens2020 [a redditor not quoted here], be as present as you can be, let go, give yourself to him as he gives himself to you. You deserve it!
PaperGirl replied — it is super scary. But I promise you that none of that matters. Just enjoy the moment and embrace it. You will be hooked!
PaperGirl was right about being hooked. I couldn’t and can’t get enough!
SwapperNY replied — As long as you are clean and don’t smell bad and don’t have any open lesions, he will be good to go.
I sort of agree with Swapper, that he’ll probably be into you because you’re there, but really dude, open lesions?
The_Few replied — I understand you feeling that way, but you need to understand if a guy was looking for a legitimate relationship and partner he could ride off into the sunset, he’d find a single woman. If a guy is wanting to hook up with a married woman it’s because he wants poon without all those other encumberments of relationships. He ain’t gonna be picky. Men are picky when it comes to relationships and commitment and marriage etc — not when scoring with a side chick. I’m not saying this to be mean or anything, just letting you know he’s not going to be critical of your moles or crow’s feet. He will be glad you’re getting with him at all.
Again, some of these guys seem to be saying, don’t worry he’ll be into you because he’d fuck a knot in a fence. And I’m sure he would, but what I think they mean to say is — don’t worry! He won’t see in you what you see in yourself.
AfterOverTaking replied — It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being compatible lovers. I was quite rusty after a long dry spell, and being with one person for years. Our first time wasn’t perfect, but we found so much to enjoy, and look forward to. It’s become quite amazing now, and we can’t get enough. Try to relax, so as not miss out on that potential connection & fun. Things work out when you’re just enjoying.
This great advice is really sweet. When you step out for the first time, you really don’t know what to expect, so don’t seek perfection the first time, but instead look for things you can enjoy and let that guide you for the next time.
BluesFestival replied — Just be you. Admit to being nervous, any guy worth his salt will be a little nervous too. Do you best to relax, admitting your venerability might allow it all to start with a massage. Have fun and enjoy it all!
I agree. There’s nothing wrong in admitting a bit of fear and doing that might help it go away faster. When you put yourself out there you after all those years, you can expect it to be scary, but if you name it, you take some power out of the emotion.
NoGO_3000 replied — Of course it’s natural to be nervous with a new lover, but assuming you’ve built in some rapport with him, let attraction take over. Relish the experience of touching a new body, having someone touch you in a way that is different. Not knowing what he is going to do, or where he may touch you. Holding him, pulling him towards you as you kiss. So many things to look forward to, just be comfortable and let things happen, the passion and excitement will come.
Takeaway
Overall, I was impressed with the advice on r/adultery for Tossed23. It was sweet, reassuring, pragmatic, and most important of all, actionable. I hope Tossed23 was able to take some reassurance from her fellow cheaters.
Sometimes hearing from the experienced can help put the whole thing into perspective. It’s a fear of the unknown sort of thing, but with friends like these to lean on, wouldn’t you feel better about taking that next step? I know I would!
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2021