I often look around Ashley Madison (AM) for fun things to write about. I use it to chat with guys to see where they’re at and to give them tips if I think they need it. Some take my advice, some don’t, and that’s fine — I know that unlike them, I can get laid whenever I want.
In many ways I like the dumb ones the best because damn, don’t they make great copy? Is it shooting fish in a barrel? Yup, but that doesn’t make the fish taste worse, does it?
Like me, most woman have no shortage of offers for sex, and they reject 99% of them because they are — imprudent, wrong, dangerous, irresponsible, revolting, and so on.
When I’m in advice mode, I look for guys with goofy sex-based profile names. When I find them, the first thing I’ll often say is that their profile name is a turn off to most women and they should reconsider it.
Why’s that? Most women aren’t going to come out and say they are looking for sex on AM, even if they are. Like me, most woman have no shortage of offers for sex, and they reject 99% of them because they are — imprudent, wrong, dangerous, irresponsible, revolting, and so on.
Instead they will use words like companionship, friendship, or a connection. For the most part they are lonely and under-appreciated at home so are looking for some attention. They want to be heard, romance, and an emotional attraction.
She won’t identify as a sex-starved nympho or oversexed vixen even if she secretly is one. She will avoid any guy who suggests that’s what he’s looking for as well. More often than not, these women are the lady in the next office, your boss, your sister, your mother, your kid’s teacher, a doctor, a housewife, a lawyer, an HR professional (like me!), and so on. Do you see the trend here?
In most regards she is a normal woman lacking intimacy in her life.
It very well could be that she has some secret fantasies that she’s never revealed to anyone. They might scare her and she may feel shame around them. Because of that, you need to come at her very carefully so as not to disturb her well-being. Once she knows she can trust you, she’ll reveal her fantasies to you.
Trust is key.
If you have one of these names, and message her, your message is going to have to be pretty fucking good for her to overlook your profile name.
What that means is don’t approach her like she is one. As a man, you might not believe it, but the very first place you’ll lose her is with your profile name. If your profile name suggest that you will use her as a piece of meat or a cum dump, she’ll scroll right on past.
Here is a list of actual profile names that would turn 99% of women off just looking at them. If you have one of these names, and message her, your message is going to have to be pretty fucking good for her to overlook your profile name.
The Mr. 69s
Boys, these are childish. It reminds me of the sorts of things high school boys would write in a bathroom stall. It is sort of funny — to you — but she doesn’t want a boy, she wants a man.
So let me help you out. Here’s a list of profile names and here’s my actual first thought. And trust me, I’m not alone in this.
Lickingisbest69 — a focus on oral giving in a man usually suggest a guy with plumbing problems down below.
[Editorial note — if you don’t give oral no matter the state of your cock, you’ve got the wrong hobby if you expect a call back. Life is too short to cheat with a guy who’s afraid of tongue-diving the honey-pot]
filthyclass69 — no thanks, I don’t want to be ass-fucked.
grt69lover — Oh, 69? That’s so clever. Is that a sex thing?
Justlooking6911 — Keep looking 69er.
Sincere69 — Nothing better than a meaningful 69.
MyNameIsMike69 — Mike69? I’m melting.
Johnny66269 — WTF is 66269, your sexy Zip Code?
Jack6669 — Um, the sex position of the beast?
Pokey69 — You’ll put my eye out, Mr. Pokey.
Teddybare1769 — Awe, a naked child’s toy — what a revolting twist. Next.
Upallnight202169 — No you aren’t.
Hottex6960 — That’s hawt.
Randybuck69 — Randy? 1969 called and it wants its expression back. Sorry, I don’t make whoopee.
Wellhung8969 — Bigdick 69 = neck pain.
Damsam69 — I do not like 69 on a dam, I do not like 69 with Sam I Am.
Ironhouse69 — Ok Tinman, sounds like you need a stiff cock along with that heart.
Luvitall6969 — Oooh! Two 69s! Hold me the fuck back.
Go4it69y — 69y? Like sixty-niney? Don’t worry, I’ll go, you don’t have to ask.
Bullfrog198169 — Bullfrog says genital warts.
BlueEyedGuy69 — I love blue eyes, so this would be perfect without the 69, ya douche bag.
Appsealfyer69 — App seal fyer? Apps eal fyer? Appse Alfyer? No idea, and with that 69 I’ll never find out.
Aman69x — Eh? A man 69? I was more looking for a man/woman one, sorry.
Newcummer69 — so clever. Cum and 69! I can hear the panties dropping from here…
DIY69 — The fuck is a DIY 69? If I could do that I wouldn’t need AM.
Mick69692 — No thanks Licky Mickey.
JayMan_69 — Nah.
Benlele69 — Nope.
Greenbay8969 — This one, like the last two would be fine without a 69.
ZZ69 — That 69 puts me to…zzzzzzz.
And all the rest
Epic8in — Is that what your mom said?
Horny4u16 — Yeah, you and everyone else.
PeachLover77 — I’m not your peach, Peach.
Pussyeatr227 — Plumbing.
hard4dayz — Go see your doctor, that’s not normal.
The_scatman — As I told my two year-old son — poop is not a toy.
DEEPHUNGER — Try Skip the Dishes.
Mmmgoodtimes — Dyn-O-mite! I’ll find them with someone else, Jimmie.
BIGLONGHARDLOVER — ALL CAPS DOESN’T MAKE ME HORNY.
DemoMan68 — Are you going to demo my pussy, big boy?
Lickman8 — Plumbing.
1hardhoss — Hoss, if you need to tell me you’re hard, you aren’t.
Kinkyhotfunbkny2 — Oh goodie, finally someone who gets me!
AlwaysInHeat — You know humans don’t go into heat, right?
Buffstud — Awe, I’ve been looking for you!
Doyoutastegood2 — I dgaf how I taste, get down there mister!
Lets_go_allnight — You’ll probably need a friend or three for that studly.
S.p.o.o.g.e.d.2.0.1.8 — S.e.e.k.i.n.g c.u.m. d.u.m.p.
Rwank1105 — I’m not here to watch you fuck yourself, ya wanker.
Pussylicker222222 — Pussylicker69’s less adventurous cousin…who also has a plumbing problem.
Takeaway
When it comes to profile names, you don’t have to be funny or clever, but it helps show you have a brain. When you go for sex-based references you are sending a negative message to the women who see them. What are those negative messages:
- I’m only interested in your pussy
- I want you to service my cock
- I will not treat you with respect
- Our relationship will be meaningless
- I am juvenile
- I lack imagination
- I have no idea what women want
- I’m a pig
- This isn’t about you
- I’m a man-slut looking for a girl-slut
Most importantly, they say that you are not safe. And if they don’t think you’re safe, they won’t message you, wink at you, look at your profile, or respond to your messages.
Before anything else, you need to make them feel safe.
What the men with these profile names also don’t realize is that for every one of them, there are nine other guys with profile names that are funny, clever, or neutral. And they’re written by men who’ve left the high school gym locker room far behind.
They’re also the men who don’t need to tell you how good they are in bed.
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