What makes illicit sex the best isn’t so much what you do but why you do it. Take Eve. We’re told Eve ate forbidden fruit she got from a snake. But, stepping back, you see the fruit was a metaphor for Eve’s sexuality and that there was no snake, but instead a smooth man with a dangerous smile.
When Eve and her new friend took that first long, slow, succulent bite of the fruit, her sexuality was unlocked. The forbidden knowledge was Eve’s understanding of her sexual power. A power the patriarchy sought to control and still does. If a woman wrote Genesis, the lesson would have been –
Be not afraid! Partake of the fruit! Partake regularly and with vigor! Else thou shalt forever worry about snakes. Long, thick, delicious, agile, glistening, powerful snakes…
When you’re having an affair, it’s because someone stopped partaking of your fruit. Follow along as Redditors discuss what makes adulterous sex so scary hot.
I’ve culled and lightly edited the best comments from the dozens left by both men and women—
Redditor’s Original Post in r/Adultery
It just dawned on me… we often ask why the sex is so much better in an affair. A lot of us are a decade older before we start being unfaithful. I’ve matured. I know my body. I know what I like. Maybe affair sex is better because we get to reinvent ourselves. We were not the young, naive, inexperienced people when we married. We’re adults. We know what we want. And we start at that point. For a lot of women, it’s hard to introduce lingerie or sex toys suddenly. You might get laughed at or shut down. But in an affair, you have nothing to lose. Same for the men. You start straight off the bat with your kinks and preferences. Thoughts?
Comment — There are many factors — the whole sneaking off with the possibility of getting caught makes it hot. Just a new partner makes it hot. It could be the infrequency if you only see each other, say once a month.
Comment — a big factor in sexual quality is figuring out your sexual wants and needs. We’re generally on the same page, but I think people starting affairs don’t know what they like but know they are unfulfilled. That shocking difference between expectations and the discovery of new pleasures gives it such a unique quality.
Comment — I’ve allowed myself to become completely vulnerable and transparent in a way I’ve never been with another human being. I decided I’m going ALL IN in this relationship and giving it everything I have. My AP is doing the same, so our connection is out of this world.
Comment — My affair partner (AP) and I have shared our needs and fantasies in ways we never have with anyone else. The ability to be so vulnerable with someone is so erotic.
Comment — YES! 100% THIS! It’s that raw, unfiltered humanness that my AP and I share that takes it to the next level. The only night we stayed over, I fell asleep AND SNORED with my mouth open, and he still goes on about how beautiful I looked to him. That fills my heart, and I can’t even be embarrassed because he loves ALL of me.
Comment — The great thing about affair sex doing it with someone who actually WANTS to have sex with me.
Comment — When I was younger, I thought sex was thrust-cum-repeat. Now I’ve learned to enjoy the journey. I learned to take my time and use my hands and tongue more. I love to lick the kitty!
Editorial Note — If women wrote the Bible, the 2nd and 3rd Commandments would be — Lick the kitty.
Comment — The last time I walked around in lingerie in front of my hub, he asked me what I was doing. Never again. With my previous AP, I straight up wore sexy lingerie immediately. No holds barred. He appreciated it.
Comment — I always asked for the sexy stuff. She never did it. I’m getting what I never got.
Comment — Meeting “just for sex” makes you open and honest at the start. You share secrets and things you wouldn’t tell your SO.
Comment — We are experienced and more patient partners. You learn to feel the other person’s body, rhythms, and touch differently.
Comment — I’ve never been more “free” and open to exploring my sexual side than when I started with my AP.
Comment — You no longer have to conform to what your long-term spouse has decided who you are and will belittle you when you try to grow or change.
Comment — There’s the “forbidden fruit” aspect…
Comment — With an AP, you get a little more freedom to be the person you want to be. At home, they won’t let you change, even as you grow.
Comment — the men I’ve encountered have been damn near 50 and know exactly what they are doing. In my 20s, they were told old, but in my 30s, they are just right.
So what are the 5 reasons dirty affair sex is always scary hot?
Here’s my take from the comments. I’ve grouped them into five categories and listed in ascending order of hotness. Each factor brings hotness on its own, but when combined? Affair sex can be a passionate inferno of lust.
Hotness Factor #1 — Novelty
If you’ve lived a safe life, most of your risks are behind you, so the risk of getting caught tasting the “forbidden fruit.” The newness of the sexual partner can be thrilling — building expectations and anticipation of meeting your affair partner. During an affair, you can be the person you want to be, not the one your life’s defined for you. And finally, the infrequency of sex during the affair keeps it fresh, keeping the new relationship energy alive longer.
Hotness Factor #2 — Commitment
This not commitment to the sexual partner, but commitment to giving them the best sex you can. The second you cheat, there’s no going back. You can’t unfuck someone, so cheaters are more likely to go all-in to make the crime worth their while. The raw, unfiltered, no-holds-barred humanness of cheating can render sex into its purest form. As I say in my book, you might regret the affair one day but never regret the sex.
Hotness Factor #3 — Experience
Older lovers can be more patient and will know what they are doing. They’ve made mistakes and learned from them, and power complements the subtly of touch and eroticism rather than overwhelming it.
Hotness Factor #4 — Fulfillment
Sex with someone who wants to have sex with you creates reciprocal energy. A partner sexually open to your fantasies and fills them can create a powerful bond between lovers who may not have experienced it before.
Hotness Factor #5 — Communication
The least surprising but crucial element of affair sex is how easily partners can communicate their sexual desires with each other. There’s risk in opening the door to our darkest secrets and wildest fantasies. Many of us never reveal them to anyone out of shame or fear of rejection. Affairs are safe spaces where partners can be vulnerable and transparent in thought and act. Affair sex between established partners is non-judgemental, free, and open, where secrets are shared, needs are discussed, and fantasies explored.
Takeaway
These are the five things, either on their own, or combined, that make affair sex scary hot. And if you’re affair sex isn’t scary hot every time, you’re not doing it right, because you should never regret the sex.
Affairs are freeing in so many ways. I’ve explored group and same-sex situations, swapping, and a sex club with my affair partner at my side to explore my innermost fantasies. Yet, they were fantasies I’d never revealed for fear and shame.
How could I? How could I tell anyone I wanted men to take turns using me? How I wanted a room of people watching me as those men satisfied themselves inside me? How could I tell anyone I wanted to watch a woman devour me? I couldn’t. And I didn’t.
Until I had an affair.
Here’s the time we went to a sex club —
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2021