What happens when someone becomes pregnant during an affair? My grandmother arrived in Germany in the mid-50s with three toddlers in tow and a few months pregnant — six months after — my grandfather, a soldier, was stationed there, I’m sure there were words. They went on to have more kids, divorcing twenty-some years later.
That baby is my favorite aunt.
One of my clients recently got his friend pregnant, and she chose to terminate. That put a damper on the relationship that he already wasn’t overly committed to in the first place. He learned the hard way that the rhythm method isn’t much of a method, which is why the Catholic Church recommends it to married parishioners.
A Kik contact’s affair partner asked him to get her pregnant. Initially hesitant, he agreed, saying it led to some of the best sex he’s ever had. All I asked him was, if it all goes south for her, can you afford child support for 18 years or more? He said yes.
So, when I read this original poster’s story on r/adultery, I could somewhat understand the discussion that followed from a couple of angles.
I’m not judgy. I know it’s super easy to point out how “easy” it is to avoid this particular pickle, so we’re not going there.
Instead, we’re going to look at the pain something like that can cause.
Original Poster’s Situation
I know I’m a dumbass, you don’t need to tell me twice! Started hooking up with a guy about a month ago and we got carried away one time and weren’t careful enough clearly🤦♀️
Luckily I’m in the US and in a legal state, so I was able to order some pills online to terminate the pregnancy, they should be arriving any day now so I can end this nightmare. YES, I’m aware of how lucky I am that this is even an option for me, I know some women don’t and that’s horrible. I can not imagine.
Nobody knows. Not the guy, not my husband, not a soul. Trying to hide how shitty I feel from early pregnancy symptoms is so tough. Putting on a happy face and taking care of my family while I want nothing more than to lay around eating and sleeping and crying all day, really sucks. And despite this being unwanted, I’m still heartbroken this even has to happen. I’m pro-choice all the way and know it’s the best decision, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt like hell emotionally. 😭😢
Moral of the story… use protection! Don’t be stupid like me
She wasn’t alone
Temp_Momma posted — Honestly, it’s happened to me too and know exactly how u feel. And I was lucky enough to also be in a state that allows it and for some reason I then even sent an ultrasound pic to the dude even tho I was done seeing him, and that’s when/ how my SO found out I was pregnant & got excited at 1st until he realized what that pic msg had actually meant! (not my proudest moment) so I hope u don’t make same mistake as me & end up telling him. I hope it all goes well from here on out for u tho! Be well!
CleopatrasAphrodite shared, “This happened to me a few months ago, I was really conflicted and like you even though I wanted a termination it was still a heartbreaking decision.”
Handling the Feels
When you’re hit with an unexpected pregnancy during an affair, it’s like a rollercoaster of sledgehammers on your emotions. And I’m not just talking about the morning sickness.
Hey_Dude313 added, “Ahh that sucks, I’m sorry you had to go through that by yourself”.
But it’s not just the immediate shock. There’s also the longer-term emotional toll. As ChasingSpark pointed out, “Thank you for sharing your story. Only if men realize the lows women go through.”
Getting pregnant by a lover is likely the loneliest of the loneliest places to be when you’re having an affair in a world where you do all your emotional lifting alone.
For anyone with a condescending comment remember sex was designed to end in pregnancy. We’d never exist as a species if we weren’t driven to take sex to its natural conclusion.
The women understood. MontanaGirl77 confided, “My worst nightmare! I have always had an IUD… We use condoms but sometimes get going and have to really make a concentrated effort to stop to put the condom on.”
What your rational mind knows at rest is not what it knows in the throes of passion.
The Power of Support
If there’s one thing I’ve learned on this solo trip, it’s that a little support can go a long way. Whether it’s your BFF, your fam, or even kind strangers online, it makes a world of difference.
SundressNoPanties said, “Oh, take care. I truly hope you can take some time to recuperate. Sending all kinds of positive thoughts to you.” And then there’s oIl_Opal_Ilo who added, “Yet will they heed? They will not. Very difficult emotional road you are on and I wish you all of the best.” But, it’s about self-care too. Environmental_bat_1 reminded us, “Best of luck and internet hugs!”
You’ve got to be your own biggest supporter, so give yourself some room to breathe. This is good advice for anyone who’s made a mistake. Take your time to lick your wounds, but go easy on yourself. Life is hard, don’t make it harder.
It Takes Two to Tango
Of course it does. Here’s what a few of the more self-aware men had to say.
JohnDoe_92 shared, “I can’t even begin to imagine the emotional weight of this. Stay strong and know that there are people out there who understand and support you.”
MisterEmpathy added, “Reading stories like these reminds me of the complexities of relationships and emotions. It’s not just a woman’s issue; it affects us all.”
UnderstandingGuy45 got it, “It’s heartbreaking to read this. Remember, it’s okay to seek support and lean on others during tough times.”
It was nice to see the men who came out to share their thoughts and sympathy, not their condemnation. But those guys showed up too…
Mansplainers and the Self-Righteous
These shits always show up. The group that just can’t resist giving their two cents. The guys who never miss a chance to report their safety on Facebook, from an emotional moment they avoided. They didn’t disappoint adding their usual mix of unsolicited advice and “I-told-you-so”s.
TxTwo1425 helpfully added, “And this is why I got a vasectomy. Stay safe out there.” A classic example of offering a solution after the fact. CaptainHindsight101 remarked, “If you had just been more careful, this wouldn’t have happened.” Um, thanks for your insight, shithead.
MrKnowFuckAll chimed in with, “This is exactly why people need to think before they act. It’s not rocket science.” Ok, good to know, thanks tips.
These tools miss the mark on empathy with their tried and true tips for a better life. Everyone’s situation is unique to them, and while advice can be valuable, usually, when you add something that the person likely has already realized just makes you look like douche.
Takeaways
I think what we can all learn here is that it happens, and it hurts. If we take anything away, it’s good to remind ourselves that there’s a good time for kids and there isn’t a good time for kids.
My grandparents got through it because it was the 50s and they were Catholic, and to me, that isn’t reason enough today. Being pro-whatever doesn’t make any pregnancy easier. Anyone who looks at this like MrKnowFuckAll does, doesn’t deserve the comfort a partner can provide.
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023