And I help them build it a quip at a time
Rocky VIIII: Swing and a Miss
Him — Yeah dear Suzie. I see a great connection when I imagine you.
Me — I see a border and a nine hour drive.
Is it wrong to amuse yourself? In many ways it is, but when it comes to cheating I think it can be allowed. I’m not twice Rocky’s age, but old enough to be his mom, so if he wants to play with the big boys and girls, he’d better be ready for a knock.
There are only two twentysomethings on the planet who I’ll coddle until the cows come home, and Rocky isn’t one of them.
Rocky is a bit of a romantic, and I’ll admit it sometimes works, but not this time. When you live outside of my 100-mile radius you need to bring more to the table than smarmy talk — like, say, plane tickets.
That Rocky reached out is probably my fault. I was doing research for a client on ways he could address a situation in his profile. I searched 100 profiles to see what other men in his position do and Rocky was one I looked at.
You’ve Caught SexyMommas Eye
And because I looked at his profile he got an email notification like this letting him know I checked him out —
And right now you’re saying to yourself, so what? Of course he got a notification, duh.
What you might not know is that men rarely get checked out by women. I have two accounts to do my work: one male and one female.
I have notifications turned off for the female one because the amount of eyes I catch is insane. I didn’t bother with the male account because, well, no one looks at it, so when someone does check me out once every few months, it’s a bit of a surprise.
Back to Rocky
Based on that, I know Rocky never has women check him out, so when it happens he got a little excited. And so messaged me — despite my profile telling men not to do that.
You miss all the shots you don’t take.
— Wayne Gretzky, aka The Great One
I’m not sure if it’s a Canadian thing, but the men who do message often rely on the Great One’s philosophy when I point out that they’ve wasted their time. I can’t disagree with them, but remind them Wayne missed a lot of shots.
What Rocky also missed is that my profile says I don’t date anyone under 40, and as you can see, he’s 28. So keeping with sports analogies (which I love for some reason) that was strike two for Rocky right out of the gate (horse racing).*
*I also love mixing metaphors and yes, I know that Rocky VIIII should be written Rocky IX, but Rocky VIIII seemed more appropriate to the circumstance
I don’t live anywhere near there. MonalisaSmiled lives close to NJ, and she has a hell of a time getting there because of traffic in the greater NYC region. If you’ve ever been there, they call it the Garden State, but all I remember is seeing miles of cement highways and overpasses. NJ? No thanks.
I see a border and a nine hour drive
I don’t mind chatting with men. They have all sorts of questions and I like helping people, but really, when you’re hitting on me and can’t see the problem you lack perspective.
That’s where I come in. When you see a woman’s looked at you, have a look at her profile. If she lives within driving distance, go ahead and message her, but if she says things like:
- Don’t message me
- Be 40+ and you aren’t
And she lives in another country, you might want to take a time out and think about your next play. The first question should be —
Is this girl worth the $3 I’ll spend messaging her?
The answer is no.
That’s why I poured cold water on Rocky’s overture. I can’t help that he didn’t see the problem, but he will the next time.
Remember Kids — when Wayne said you miss all the shots you don’t take, he wasn’t talking about shooting on the Toronto Maple Leafs net from the NJ Devils blue line while playing the Rangers in Madison Square Garden.