Men of Ashley Madison – Yes Please, Mr. Boobman!

Screencap: Author from Boobman’s Ashley Madison Profile

I have boobs. I love them. They are big and get all the stares when I wear the right top.

I often wear the right top.

They no longer stand to attention, but hang, ravaged by the passage of time, gravity’s pull, childbearing, and life. But with the help of the right support, they are easily restored to their former glory, and that’s what I crave. A reminder of my salad days. Of firm breasts and the attention they brought.

Perhaps I wear low tops because I’m a bitch, or cruel, or playful, or all of those.

I work in human resources, so maybe I should know better, but I work in human resources, so I know it doesn’t fucking matter what sort of top I wear because my eyes are up here.

Me having boobs doesn’t give anyone a free pass to oogle them. I wear the tops I do to remind people of that. I put them out there and force men to look away. God knows they’ve stared long enough, so it’s only right to take that away from them in the most awkward (for them) way possible.

I love my boobs

Photo: Author

My boobs. Aren’t they lovely?

What you won’t see are my nipples. My nipples are a lovely light pink, and my areola (areoli?) are lighter still. They fade at their fringe into the milky white flesh of my breasts — their size beguiling; the transition imperceptible.

My lover lusts after my mature body. The sight of my natural breasts awakens him. When he touches my breasts, my nipples harden to taught nubs. He takes them into his mouth, nips with his teeth. He tugs at them. He rolls and pinches them betwixt his fingers.

They are well and truly his.

So what’s this got to do with Boobman and the men of Ashley Madison?

Interestingly, I hate the written word boob. And boobs or boobies when used outside of dialogue in text. These words don’t scream sex, sexuality, or lust. Instead, they scream clown. They scream juvenile clown. The men of Ashley Madison need to understand that.

Boob is a playful word and is best used in dialogue because it’s a word lovers might use playfully or in jest. It’s not a word a writer should use to describe a character if they also want that character to make someone wet or pop a boner.

Boner is another juvenile word in the same childish league as boob, and I juxtapose them here to make my point.

What’s that point?

Boobman will never see my boobs let alone enjoy them. He will neither behold nor hold them. It’s likely Boobman will see no adulterous boobs. The men of Ashley Madison, like Boobman, will likely never see adulterous boobs.

Boobman, a man-child of 50+, who yet behaves like a teenager. He uses juvenile words and pictures in his Ashley Madison profile in a pathetic attempt, one assumes, to invite a boob parade his way.

Boobman is a complete and utter boob.

I have to ask — what the fuck does Boobman think this idiotic profile picture and handle do for him? Other than make him look like a Fast Times at Ridgemont High extra who hasn’t grown up, that is.

Sorry Boobman, and the men of Ashley Madison like you, but you are a complete fucking tit. And guess what?

Tits don’t get dates.

© Teresa J. Conway, 2022

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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