Cake Eaters — Adultery’s Villains!

I say, “let them eat cake!”

Photo by Henley Design Studio on Unsplash

Adulterers are the scum of the earth, but even still, some of us have standards! Within the “lifestyle,” as MonalisaSmiled likes to call it, the scum of the scum are the cake eaters.


I received a question about cake eaters from one of my fans and even though I’ve given him a quick response, I thought a closer examination was called for!


So who could be so bad other adulterers hate them?


First, let’s look at the definition of cake eaters from Reddit’s r/cakeater —


A person who is married, generally happy and satisfied, has regular sex with their SO, is not planning on divorcing or separating or looking for an exit affair, and is additionally having sex with other partners. Cake eating is not polyamorous or in an open relationship because the cake eater’s SO is not aware (to the cake eater’s knowledge) of the extramarital affairs. The cake eater generally has no desire to harm their significant other but seeks sex outside of the marriage to satisfy their personal needs and desires: have their cake and eat it too.

To sum up — cake eaters are people who have a regular sex life at home but also seek it outside the relationship because they want more!


What cake eaters aren’t in are —


poly relationships,

open relationships, or

don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT) relationships.

Cake eaters are regular adulterers who hide their extracurriculars from their also sexually active spouse.


Why are cake eaters thought to be so bad?


It’s confusing why other cheaters would look down on cake eaters. Do inmates on death row look down on each other for their crimes? I wouldn’t think so, but probably.


So why do cheaters look down on them? I suppose it’s human nature. I think the “cake eater” name reflects jealousy more than anything else —


“he’s getting it at home, so why does he need to cheat? He wants his cake and to eat it too.”


It’s also an excuse to justify cheating to oneself, especially if you come from a dead bedroom. A lot of people cheat because they are dissatisfied at home. The definition of a sexless marriage is sex ten times or less a year! As I’ve said before, if I were getting sex ten times a year, I’d have never cheated!


“I don’t get it at home, so I’m not a cake eater!”


Imagine getting nothing at home and hearing someone go on about their great sex-filled marriage and their affair?


It might piss you off, but is someone else’s good marriage a reason to hate someone?

What do cake eaters think of themselves?


In reading over their comments, I found a group of people who were generally happy at home and away. Here’s what they had to say about cake eating —


Female Cake Eater — I have had the same AP [affair partner] for 16 years. Our bodies just SPEAK to each other, but we both love our spouses tremendously. We have rules we adhere to keep things separate while also being respectful and loving towards each other. We plan our meetings weeks and stick to it. We do absolutely everything we can to not let each other down. I sleep with my husband all of the time, basically every day. We have an insanely active sex life. But my AP. I cannot stop with him. Nor will I — 16 years and going strong.


Every day? I couldn’t do it! Good for her!


Female Cake Eater — I have had an AP for the last year, plus a revolving wheel of others that have kept everything “spicy.” My SO and I still have an active bedroom, and it’s been great for 17 years.


Nothing wrong with a bit of spice, is there?


Male Cake Eater — Every cake eater I’ve been with had three things in common:

world-class compartmentalization skills,


a nearly impenetrable opsec [operational security] routine, and of course,


a supremely dirty mind.


That said, it does take some strong intestinal fortitude to date a woman who eats cake because she’s probably not only fucking her husband but other men as well. So if you’re the jealous type or someone who requires a 1:1 AP relationship…you might be in for a ride.


This is a cake eater on dating a cake eater. He makes a good point — your cake eater probably isn’t just eating your cake either!


Female Cake Eater — In the past, besides sex with my SO, I’ve had one IRL AP, an FWB, and chatted with several LD [long distance] APs/EAs [emotional affair]. It got complicated. I’m not one to judge if someone else can juggle several APs. I just can’t anymore. Good for those who can.


Indeed! Good for them!!


Male Cake Eater — I have 2 APs at present, one local and one long-distance. I’ve been at this just under a year and have had six partners overall. Too many pAPs [potential affair partners] to count, haha. Current local AP: I’ve been seeing her for three months, and it’s working out very well. I’m lukewarm on the LDAP, but she is a sweet woman — I just don’t know how it’s practical to see her often.


I’m sure he’ll figure it out.


Male Cake Eater — Esther Perel, the famous psychologist, explains that the reason we look for others is that today society expects our partner to “give us what an entire village once used to provide.” We can’t expect our partner to be our lovers, dominatrix, co-parent, best friend, etc. It can be human nature to want these things from more than one person. In my personal experience as a counselor, society has made us try to conform to something that is not natural.


Esther’s ma girl! This cake eater asks a good question — can we expect to get everything we need from one person for a lifetime? I’d say no.


The verdict


Cake eaters like sex get it at home and want to get it on the side. I wasn’t getting any at home, so I chose to find someone. Looking at this, I’m not sure what the problem is because I’ve never worried about what the person next to me was doing or getting.


I’d be happy for someone who was having good sex at home and had a good relationship, so my verdict?


Let them eat cake!


Read here about how I set up one of my clients with his first AP —

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© Teresa J. Conway, 2021

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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