4 Stages to an Affair’s Beginning

Affairs are like any other relationship when you know the person

Photo by Zou Meng on Unsplash

Affairs follow arcs like all relationships do. If you know the person already, you move towards your affair like you were feeling them out to date. It can be a little confusing, especially if you’re both in relationships.


Stage 1 — You’ll worry about the signals you put out there and you’ll agonize over theirs and what they could mean.


Stage 2 — Break throughs and advances.


Stage 3 — You’ll finally decide to meet in that way. Not as some coy little ploy to keep flirting, but the date where you decide if you’ll have sex with them, or they’ll have sex with you.


Stage 4 — After stage 3, only one of two things happen — you either move forward, or you don’t. If you do go for it, it can be wonderful in a way you will always remember.


When you don’t know the person, but meet them on an app for married dating, you start at stage 3. Follow along as we pass through the four stages of getting your affair partner in bed.

Stage 1 — Mixed signals

Male Redditor — I’ve been secretly seeing this girl lately who is in a relationship, we got along really good and started to hang out after her work, usually after midnight till morning, smoking and drinking. 3–4 in the last ten days. She keeps complaining about her bf non-stop and tells me she needs an escape from him.


We are for sure attracted to each other, and we both admitted that, but she keeps telling me like at least ten times during the night to not try to kiss her cause she would stop me, why would she keep saying that? I haven’t tried something, but at the same time, she told me she would love to know how the sex is with me.


She is going to sleep Tonight at her hotel and asked me if I can join her for a drink.


she met her current bf while being in a relationship with her ex, but her ex turned gay after the relationship (she cheated on him with her current bf)


I love spending time with her, but I can’t tell what she wants. She confirmed sending me signals, but why would she keep telling me she would stop me if I try to make the first move? I asked her why she keeps expecting me to do the first move, she replied cause I’m the man. Should I go for it tonight and try to kiss her? Or is she really just escaping her situation and wants some break?


I say go and make that move. I’m not sure why this girl’s playing with fire, but I’d never wait for a man to make the first move it I wanted him to and he wasn’t.. Life’s too short for those sorts of games. As for him, I’m not sure how he’s missing the signals, but it’s time he goes in there and shows her what he wants.


Stage 2 — Things escalate

Female Redditor — So I posted a week or so ago that I had asked my long-time work crush to join me for a cup of coffee after work. I’ve been pining after this man for years, made a drunken pass a couple of years ago that fell flat, and had all but accepted that it was never going to happen. Well, on a whim last week, I decided to ask him if he’d join me for a coffee because fuck it, why not. The chemistry between us was off the charts, it was seriously electric. The conversation just flowed so naturally, and even though the subject matter was innocent, the sexual tension was palpable. Went to happy hour a couple of days later. He put his hand on my shoulder when he came in, sat next to me, and our legs were rubbing against each other the whole time. A couple of days ago now he walked me out to my car after work and gave me a big hug before leaving. This is a man who knows I want him, as I made that abundantly clear to him in the past. At the time, he basically ran scared and pretended the conversation never happened. All of a sudden, he is all about me. We’re both married, btw. Does it sound like he may actually go through with it now?


Sometimes they run from you because they aren’t ready to confront the issues in their own lives. Getting hit on may have frightened him, but what was he scared of? My guess is he was more afraid that he’d give in and fall into her arms. From her first pass, I’m sure he was evaluating his life and wondering what he had to lose. If you’re this man’s spouse, ask yourself what you’re doing to keep him? If it’s nothing other than your expectation, he’ll remain faithful, don’t be surprised when he goes for the lady offering something more.

Stage 3 — The first meet

Female Redditor — So we finally decided to meet, and it was nice. I was wandering aimlessly around the store while he finished up a work call. While perusing the biography section, he suddenly appeared. I was actually surprised at how easy it was for me to recognize him (masks, of course). I gave him an enormous hug, zero hesitation. We walked around, and I could hear him saying how gorgeous I was under his breath. Not gonna lie, but that completely boosted me up. When we finished, and I had picked up a couple of books and magazines, we went for a walk, grabbed a bite, and chatted.


It was a nice first ‘date,’ and I’m sure we’ll see each other again. When we went to leave, we hugged, and I know he wanted to kiss me, but I was still a little nervous. I could feel him nuzzling his nose in my neck, and since he is a foot + taller than me, it was not so easy. I wish I had kissed him, but next time :). I had barely pulled out of the parking lot when he called and told me how beautiful I was and how glad we did this. I am not a supermodel by any means. I’m a t-shirt and yoga pants kinda gal. If we are going to do this, I want him to know the real me and not be anything other than this. Anyway. Just wanted to share.


We often underestimate what we look like to other people. Part of that comes from the usual body image issues we have, and another part of it comes from fading into the background and not being noticed at home. So when a stranger tells you how beautiful or sexy you are, it reminds you of the person you once were. It also reminds you of who you don’t hear it from anymore. That first meeting can be exhilarating, and if it goes well, you’ll always wish you’d done more.

Stage 4 — Making memories

Male Redditor — As I was driving home from work the other night, I looked to my right and saw the spot that changed me forever. The memories flooded my mind. We were friends, good friends. She was married, and I was married. But here we were, sitting in her car in a grocery store parking lot. We were talking. We were looking intently into one another’s eyes. She understood me, I understood her. There was a connection that I had never had before with her. It is indescribable.


Only some experiencing it can comprehend the connection. Then it happened the first kiss. It was intense. It was perfect. As our kissing became more intense, she straddled me in her sundress. Eventually, I was in her, and she was making me hers. It was intense. It was perfect. It was the best ever. That day led to 2 incredible years. Sadly, it came to an end. But I hope she is happier than ever. She deserves the best. I wish I could find that type of connection again. But I sure do enjoy the memories.


“Making me hers” is a very sweet way to describe their first sexual encounter. The connection, at that moment, can be magical. Not only does it feel good, but biting the forbidden fruit makes that much hotter. And it’s those moments that are hard to forget.


And that’s it. The main problem with having an affair are getting through stages 1 and 2, because you’re never quite sure the signals you are sending and receiving are being read properly. If you make a mistake, you need to have a plausible out, and the best way to do that is make sure your signals always have an innocent alternative meaning. How do you do that? The same way you walk on a knife’s edge — carefully.


When you use a dating app, you don’t need to worry about any of that because the signals are clear — you’re all there to fuck.

Here was my hottest night —

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© Teresa J. Conway, 2021

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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