If She’s Happier Because of Her Affair…

…Should she keep doing it?

Photo by Terricks Noah on Unsplash

A happy wife, happy life question on Quora!

Out of 17 respondents to my question:

If a Wife is Happier at Home Because She is Having an Affair, Should She Keep Doing It?

Here’s how they broke down:

  • 15 men / 2 women
  • 7 said yes and 10 said no
  • Women — 1 yes and 1 no
  • Men — 6 yes and 9 no

What I liked about this question was the diversity of answers. Some were supportive, others open minded, and a few thought it was “Stream of Consciousness Night,” at Teresa’s Bar and Grill.

The interesting thing is that a few people find answering the question the hard part because it gets in the way of their own ideas. And I understand everyone wants a soapbox, but for a couple I had to straight out ask them to answer the question, before they told me what they thought.

Still others assumed I was asking of my own accord. As if I would turn to a crowd of losers to ask them if I should keep having my affair. Forsooth! What would that even look like? —

“Hey guys who haven’t had a shower in three days, old men, and others living in your mother’s basement, should I keep lying to my husband about my affair?”

Who would seriously think that I, or anyone would ask them real questions? I know, interwebs, but still! Don’t they know I’m not asking for myself, but that I’m asking because I want to make fools out of a few of them for shits, giggles, your entertainment and $$$?

Like OMG!

Let’s jump in!

YES — R.B. Male. When my wife started screwing around, she was happy I didn’t impede, and I was happy she wasn’t going to leave me. She was a Loving Dom., and I was a doting sub. She loved the power she wielded over me, and I loved showing her I was totally submissive to her. I was very aroused, by her screwing other men.

My wife told me I was going to have to start sharing her pussy with other men. I assured her it was fine with me. We set rules that she would not screw any of our friends or family members. My wife started bringing men home, and I watch her tantalize us, and them openly, flirt with and fondle my wife, and she would have me watch them screw her. And for 46 years, I’ve gladly been sharing my wife’s pussy, and it has enriched not just hers but both our lives.

It isn’t exactly an affair when hub knows, but it looks like this lucky lady has a very loving and devoted hubby. If only we could all be so lucky.

NO — P.S. Male. Oh yeah. Affairs make us all happy. So, does smoking crack, beating people up, self-mutilation and eating lots of junk food. We should all indulge in whatever makes us “feel” good in the immediate moment. No question.

Clearly this jackass has an axe to grind, but if you overlook his obvious fragility, I agree, cheating can be a form of self-destructive behavior. It really depends on why the person is cheating. Perhaps a sex addiction, low self-image/worth/esteem. But I won’t go so far as P.S. and call all cheating self-destructive behavior.

NO — R.L. Male. No, that’s ridiculous. Cheating is a character flaw. It disrespects everyone involved, and the marriage. It doesn’t fix any problems in the marriage or the cheater but creates a lot of new ones. Cheating and lying in a marriage is not a way to build or keep any kind of relationship. You should stop the affair and admit the mistake to your husband. He may or may not forgive you, but you’ll at least be on your way to building a better character in yourself. And you may be able to start repairing your marriage the right way with a marriage counselor.

Much like P.S., R.L. has a very linear view of life. His comment, “at least be on your way to building a better character in yourself,” seems to indicate that people like Jennifer McDougall or Maddierose are somewhat lacking in character because they have disabled husbands, but choose to have an affair. Well, R.L., I hate to break it to you, but there’s more than a few reasons people cheat.

YES — D.A-G. Male. That depends upon the couple. Some men and women who have an open relationship would prefer the wife to stay home and have sex with another someone.

Again, an open relationship isn’t cheating, but I agree it depends on the couple, and their circumstances.

NO — A.B. Female. Are they in an open relationship where both agree they can have sex with others?

Is the wife lying about it and cheating?

If the married couple have agreed on an open and honest relationship no problem.

If the wife is cheating and lying and thinks all that matters is her being happier no she shouldn’t be doing it. When a couple married, they make promises to each other and if those promises included fidelity the wife has broken her promise. If the wife believes all that matters is “I am happier because I am having sex with someone” she is lying, cheating and failing to keep her word. Unhappy in the marriage either work out the problems or divorce but lying and cheating just is wrong. Doing what you want because it makes a person happier is what children do. Being concerned only with what they want and utterly uncaring about the effect on others is the action of a person not mature enough to be married, or to have sex. People who actually love each other are capable of putting their loved one first not scratching a groin itch. Maturity matters.

A.B. brings up open marriage. Fine, but that’s not cheating. Perhaps she means, try to open your marriage, as the others do. What I’m not so sure about is this, “unhappy in the marriage either work out the problems or divorce, but lying and cheating just is wrong.” Why? Because I’m not sure we’ll be able work out the neurodegenerative disorder stopping us from having sex. And, I’m not sure what sort of bitch you’d have to be to divorce a disabled spouse, but I’m not it.

NO — S.G. Male. No. What is the reason for her to have an affair. I am waiting for your reason.

S.G., do you really need a reason when you’ve already said no? I get the need for more information, perhaps, but usually you ask for that before you decide. Otherwise, what’s the point? Ok, Boomer.

YES — D.C. Male. Surprisingly I would say why not it depends on the situation. Is your husband aware of the affair? If he is…

D.C. trailed off there at the end, but his first sentence is clear. Everything always depends on the situation, but that he has left the door wide open to a YES, is encouraging!

NO — J.K. Male. If a wife or husband is only happy because they are having an affair, then they need to leave home and be somewhere else.

J.K. missed the one key point. The Q said “happier” not “happy.” A person who is happier, may have already been happy, but then, having a side piece made them happier. RTFQ next time svp.

NO — C.C. Gender Undefined, but my guess is Male. There is no acceptable reason to cheat. People who cheat on people they love clearly don’t love them. People who cheat on people they don’t love clearly shouldn’t be in that relationship. How come women can always frame cheating as acceptable as long as they are the ones doing it? When a man does it, there’s no excuse. When a woman does it, they find a way to justify it. If you want a polyamorous relationship, find a partner who doesn’t mind being in one.

Old C.C. seems to have a touch of misogyny going on here. Seriously, the poor men “get no excuse,” while the evil woman, “finds a way to justify it?” Come on C.C., be better. Did you really have to mention the evil woman twice? Who hurt you? Again, C.C. doesn’t seem to think stepping out on an ill spouse to do a little self-care is better than leaving an ill spouse stranded. And men? They’ve been justifying their affairs since the dawn of time.

YES — S.B. Male. Absolutely.

Thank you for your clarity, sir. Happy wife, happy life. Isn’t that what they say?

NO — S.L. Male. Lol Are you being serious? Flip the script. Affairs are wrong beyond words in every sense of that word! The right thing to do would be to tell your husband you no longer love him and what you’ve been doing let them decide if they will accept it or not. People die every day for this earth-shattering act. I’ve literally been closer to committing homicides after being cheated on than in any other areas of my life including self-defense against multiple attackers. Please if you can have an affair and have to ask this question you married. Get some counseling, get a pet, but above all that get a clue.

So, I have been editing the responses to focus on the message, but I’m sure you’d believe me when I say that this one needed some special attention. I guess they don’t have a Language Arts Department at Tattoo U.

What really stands out is his violent nature. He brings up killings, his own murderous urges, and compares his feelings to being worse than attacks by “multiple attackers.” But look at his words — I’ve literally been closer to committing homicides after being cheated on — this guy would appear to want a less happy wife. And based on what he wrote here, I’d say she’s a less happy wife more often than not.

NO — J.D. Male. Affairs can be exciting albeit stressful. It adds a ton of pressure on the cheater with the lies, coverups and sneaking around. There is no happiness in cheating, maybe at first when the relationship is new and highly charged but that fades like what happens in all relationships. Cheating ruins families hurts the children and ultimately leads to divorce, regret and hardship. I grew up with both my mom and dad being cheaters. It was a terrible time, and I was very worried and confused regarding the behavior and what impact it would have on me when either one of them discovered the other’s cheating.

I wonder if J.D. realizes that his parents may have had an understanding. Sure, it might have been scary for him, not knowing what’s going on, but what if mom and dad didn’t think it was any of J.D. business? It seems entirely possible.

I did ask him and he said no, they didn’t have an understanding, but really, does it seem likely they’d both be cheating and not know the other was? Hard to say, but I doubt it.

YES — S.B. Female. Yes, sure. The best thing is to have a happy wife. Let her enjoy.

I agree with this one. The trend I’m noticing is that a lot of people seem more interested in imposing their own feelings and ideas on “the wife” in this question, than they are for supporting her decision.

YES — Y.Z. Male. If she is having an affair means she is not happy, she might be fooling others, but she cannot fool her heart. Affair is just a means of escape from a boring life. Should she keep doing it depends on how morality circumnavigated her ethos, the choice is hers, and the consequences as well.

I like this answer. I’m not sure she’s fooling her heart, but I agree the choice is hers, and so are the consequences. This answer reflects the idea of free will and balances it with an understanding that in any action, a person has to be accepting of the consequences. What this man is saying is — she is the only one who can decide, and I agree.

NO — M.M. Male. Simple answer: YOUR INSANE!! Peace.


NO — B.F. Male. Of course she should. You wouldn’t want her to feel deceitful and slutty, would you.

This man went on to call me a slut, and a few other things that weren’t very nice. At one point he said he was trying to get banned from Quora, which is really a weird thing to say when you can just quit. I’m sure the grouchy old fuck got his morning’s worth of entertainment out of me, so good for him.

YES — S.S. Male. Yes, happy wife, happy life is the saying. Otherwise she can file cases against the husband and he will be kicked out and can’t see his children.

This is a bit of a boohoo story, but I don’t give a shit. He said yes, and it’s nice to see a man acknowledging his wife has some intangible power in the relationship.

And that was that. I’m sort of curious about the misogny here, so might ask a question designed to bring it out so I can have a closer look at it.

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© Teresa J. Conway, 2021

By Teresa J Conway on .

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Exported from Medium on July 29, 2021.

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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