Why Emotional Support Is Important: There’s More to Cheating Than Sex

Because not all days are created equal

Photo by Ahmed Nishaath on Unsplash

My lover and I send each other good morning and good night texts every day. We’ve been doing that for more than two years. They look like this —

We do this every night (Screencap: Author).

We do it because we can’t roll over and give each other the kisses and hugs we don’t get at home. It also lets us know that the other one is still there, holding our emotional hand as we navigate our day. When his is late on the weekend, I know it’s because he is sleeping in. When I’m late, it’s because I’m pregnant (sorry, kidding, that can’t happen anymore, thank god, lol). When I’m late, it’s because I’m writing.

I was reading the Reddit sub r/adultery lately and was pleasantly surprised to come across this post –

I sent my AP [affair partner] my usual good morning text. Being a Saturday, I don’t expect an instant response. Life, kids, SO [significant other], etc… I checked my phone at lunch, still, no reply, message not even read yet. I send a quick message asking her if things are OK. I already knew the answer. She got back to me a few minutes later. She said she was having a bad day. Translation- her SO was being extremely difficult. She is not an angel, nor am I, but to be berated by your spouse is not right. I can’t and won’t intervene. I will, however, tell her she is wanted and needed. End of mini-rant. Carry on.

My first thought was of what my lover and I do and how sweet it is that we aren’t the only ones who do that. My second and sadder thought is that my lover’s SO has a sharp tongue and is very demanding. She’s disabled, and my lover has the patience of an angel, but I know how much it hurts him.

When that happens, like the Redditor above, there’s nothing I can do. I’d love to tell her what she has and that I am more than willing to take him off her hands, but that’s not going to happen. We are both needed in our lives and won’t leave because our spouses need us to care for them. Sure, I’ve broken one vow, but we both know no one will take care of our spouses better than we will going into old age, so there’s a vow I won’t break.

In my case, having my lover, his love, and his beautiful cock pounding me has made it easier for me to face my future of increasingly more difficult in sickness situations I will face.

So how did the other Redditors respond to him?

Male Redditor — Perfect! That’s all she needs!

Female Redditor — Being that woman in a marriage where I am not noticed, not wanted, berated, and basically looked at like a bug that needs to be squashed- thank you.

Female Redditor — Thank you for telling your girl that. I am lucky that I have found someone who encourages me to stand up to this asshole. Like you, he understands when husband is being horrible and will remind me, so I know.

Female Redditor — Keep being that person to your AP. She needs you during those times- even when she won’t ask for it or say it. Trust me. I know.

Redditor — And that’s all that needs to be said. Beautiful.

Male Redditor — yeah, I’ve done the same for mine. However, it seems to have backfired. she finally has been standing up for herself, and I guess her husband has decided to notice and has worked on correcting being an asshole and a dick to her, and now it seems she has been receptive to that change and it’s hurting my relationship with her. I guess all I want is for her happiness, wish it wasn’t at my expense, but yeah, sometimes being good to them and telling them to stand up to the bullshit hurts us in the end.

Male Redditor Response to “yeah, I’ve done the same” — Sometimes caring for someone means that their happiness/success/freedom becomes independent of you. That’s love in my book… putting someone ahead of my own personal wants and possibly ulterior motive. I love a lot… and lose a lot, but know one day, someday I’ll find someone who will choose me like I’ve chosen them. Until then? Keep on being that good human to others.

When I read comments like this, it reminds me of my life and that of my lover. It also reminds me of how human we are and that adulterers are not one-dimensional heartless beings.

If anything, these comments and this situation should show that the world isn’t a perfect place, and we work to get by. I know there’s always going to be that one-dimensional “get divorced” asshole out there. The assholes who has no concept of the pain and suffering people feel inside a marriage. The assholes who can’t understand how the fundamental loyalty people can have for their SO’s wellbeing despite how they act makes leaving impossible.

On a human level, we all need love and respect, and to me, if adultery is the way you have to find it, so be it.

Life is too short to live it with no one in your corner.

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© Teresa J. Conway, 2021

By Teresa J Conway on .

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Exported from Medium on July 29, 2021.

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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