What Cheaters Need To Know About Farting and Infidelity

Not farted in front of your Affair Partner? Don’t run away with them

What Cheaters Need To Know About Farting and Infidelity
The Last Tango in Paris wasn’t about farts. (Photo by Nihal Demirci on Unsplash)

Farting during an adulterous date can be fatal to the mood. Farting is one of those horrible jokes nature gave us to keep us humble, but we all love a good fart under the right circumstances. Those are when we are on our own, hidden away, or in the comfort of our home. Farting is not the thing to do in public — and never at work. I try not to poop at work, let alone fart.

When I was in grade one, I was a timid little kid who wanted to be left alone. One day, as little ones do, I let out a thunderous fart in class, and many kids around me laughed. It was the last thing in the world I needed right then.

My parents were in the middle of a divorce, and there was a new dad on the scene. It was a world that seemed like it was falling apart. It was almost as if one day I had a dad, and then the next day, I had a new one. I didn’t understand what was going on and wouldn’t learn the extent of my biological father’s abuse (of my mother, not me) for decades.

After that fart, my teacher immediately centered me out and scolded me in front of the class. I wanted to die. I had few friends at the time, and no one played with me because I was new. On top of that, I suffered from undiagnosed ADHD, and was acting out because of my home situation.

My teacher humiliated me in front of everyone for that fart, and I’ve never forgotten it.

By today’s standards, her response would have led to a rebuke. But those were different times.

Even as a six-year-old, I knew farting was socially unacceptable, but the lesson I learned that day was farting was shameful.

I follow Dear Deidre from thesun.co.uk because she gets many interesting questions from people about relationships. Most relate to sex and many to adultery. Dear Deirdre, provides me with story ideas and hones my question-answering skill.

This letter made me think of that fateful fart –

DEAR DEIDRE: I’ve thrown away my marriage and everything for a man I met at my dance class.

He was single and hitting the floor with him made me feel so hot, but I have now gone from having a happy home life and lovely lifestyle to feeling a total outcast . . . all for sex.

I wanted to get out of the house more but my husband was not interested in joining me for salsa lessons.

Then dancing with this new man made me feel alive again.

He started whispering about how he wanted to undress me and then have sex with me up against the wall.

I couldn’t resist him.

He is 45, as am I, my husband is 49 and we have three teenage sons, aged 19, 17 and 15.

I felt awful leaving my husband and sons, but sex with my husband had never been very exciting and I got carried away with my new man.

I thought I had everything to look forward to.

At my new boyfriend’s suggestion I put the family home on the market and we set up together with the proceeds.

However, I soon realised he wasn’t that interested in working, but was very keen to spend all my money.

He swanned around in new clothes, got a new phone and laptop, even a new car — all with money I had from my share of the house sale.

When I said I wanted him to sell the car and give back the money, he hit the roof and marched out. That was a year ago.

Now I see what a fool I have been. My husband won’t have anything to do with me and all our old friends have sided with him. My sons despise me.

I don’t know how to come back from any of this. I feel so alone.

I know it’s what I deserve but do you think someone might give me a second chance?

I would dearly love to go back to my family.

This woman fucked up big time. She gambled everything and lost it because she failed to realize her James Bond was 95% Homer Simpson.

And I would bet you their first fart together came after she’d left her family.

This story highlights the illusions we suffer from when we have an affair. Affairs are a mirage; they are false on so many levels it’s difficult to count. There are no bills, no kids, no retirement plans, no mortgage, no in-laws. Affairs are nothing like what you have at home.

You know what else affairs don’t have? Farts. Definitely no farts. Farts are to sex what oil is to water, and affairs are all sex. I cannot begin to tell you what I’ve suffered through for want of a fart when I’ve been with my lover in the early stages of our relationship.

Here’s Dear Teresa’s advice to the cheater thinking of running away with their lover —

You cannot build a new life with someone who hasn’t heard or smelled your farts. Tango all you want, and fuck the night away, but those things don’t make a relationship — they only make them better. If you can suffer your lover’s fart, and they yours, without having or making them feel shame or humiliation, you might have a chance at a life together.

If you haven’t farted in front of your affair partner, do not run away with them. It means you are still afraid of the humiliation and shame a fart can bring, and that in turn suggests a deeper insecurity.

Affairs are about sex and as our writer discovered, you can’t build a life based on sex.

A lifetime of commitment is about living and dealing with the farts as they come in a kind and considerate way.

Here are some more adultery questions answered —15 Quora Adultery Questions Answered
The Dear Abby of adulterymedium.com

Join my email list ☞ HERE ☜ and get a free pdf copy of my ebook How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress.

© Teresa J. Conway, 2021

By Teresa J Conway on .

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Exported from Medium on April 8, 2021.

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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