An Ashley Madison Online Survey — Because They Care

Well they probably care, and that’s good enough for me

Photo by Cookie the Pom on Unsplash

Every once in a while, AM, as we call it in the biz, likes to check in on us filthy cheaters. No one needs to hear about 2020 and how shitty it was, or how shitty 2021 is so far, but I guess AM wanted to know how we’re doing. Even with a vaccine coming and a Trump going, cheaters won’t be happy until we can hook up with our lovers again without the fear of dying.

(Screen capture: Author)

But this survey? I am a little suspect about the people who put it together, because the couple on the left aren’t cheaters.

That’s not the sort of couch you’d find in a hotel, but in a home. Cheaters wouldn’t be at home, but in a hotel in the middle of the afternoon. Do you see the light coming in the window? That’s day time. Him in his casual shorts and tee, and her in nice light dress? That’s how you dress on a Saturday. Saturday is family time. Most mid-day dates occur during the week, so it’s usually working attire, in a hotel somewhere.

This picture is a husband and wife at home on a Saturday afternoon, yukking it up as they sit on the floor and scan the iPad for funny pics.

How do I know? Because cheating in the middle of the day doesn’t leave you a lot of time. When the door closes you’re not finding a nice spot on the floor; you’re getting naked and getting busy.

No time for cutesy memes on a sex date; and because of that, I was sceptical, until I read the first question…

(Screen capture: Author)

Full disclosure: the reason why I did the survey is because there was a chance I could have AM share my story for $$.

There’s a reason my email says author and not dabbler. I do this for cash, and two minutes of my time for a chance to sell my story? Yes please! Mommy needs a new pair of shoes!

(Screen capture: Author)

Simple enough, but you can see why I’m a little worried about covid. I’m getting closer to the zone every damn day 🙁

(Screen capture: Author)

Still easy! I will have you know that I’ve dropped the Canadian English “ou” from most of my spelling so that Americans can understand my dialect. It kills me a little each time, but I do it for you, my dear neighbors.

Q.6 — This is what province I’m in. I told them, but I won’t tell you because I don’t want some horny MF’er trying to hook up because he thinks I’m close.

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If it said, “I’ll be more excited about cheating once I’m vaccinated” I would have given them a praise jeepus! Baby needs some love!

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Some of these are cute, but I’m more than happy with my lover, so I just want more naked cuddles. And perhaps one, two, or more people from time to time, to spice up our hide the pickle matches.

(Screen capture: Author)

I already narrowed it down. I only need one person, I have them, and I’m not sure what I’d do if we weren’t together. I’ll never find another person who’ll give me what we have.

(Screen capture: Author)

Yes! I’m a loser! I want love, and I’m getting love. It sustains me and keeps me going, and I’m not looking for that to change. I didn’t do anything to get ready for my 2021 affair, because I’m already there! I want what we’ve had for the past two years.

(Screen capture: Author)

I suppose I could have said “not as many” but actually, my perceptions changed in 2018, and stayed changed.

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And really, falling in love with someone else is kinda douchey, but really, if you aren’t doing anything else, I don’t really care. I just don’t want to hear about it. I had more fun with the next question.

(Screen capture: Author)

Of course, if my spouse did any of those things to me I wouldn’t have had an affair. My guess is the reading erotica, watching porn, and masturbating are more questions for the evangelicals amongst us, because serious, who TF, doesn’t do that? Talking to an ex was probably in there for Mike “I don’t meet alone with women” Pence, but really, I have some on my Facebook. After 25 years of marriage, it’s not like I’m going to…right, strike that. But not with them!!

Porn and bean flicking are what stopped me from having an affair for nine long ass years. And if you think fucking yourself is cheating, you’re doing the wrong survey.

(Screen capture: Author)

I know what my marriage is. We have ups and downs like everyone else, we’re friends and we’re friendly. We just don’t fuck, and no isolation didn’t change that.

(Screen capture: Author)

It’s not for me in the sense I’ve outsourced sex, but I’m monogamous with my lover. When we have sex with other people, we do it together, which is more of a couple’s activity, like going to a spa where people put your genitals in their mouth.

(Screen capture: Author)

Yeah, I’m a slut. I figured I’d sign up for the newsletter so if they look at me to tell my story they might notice I’m a team player too.

I’m not beyond whoring myself out to get what I want as long as I don’t have to sell my body for $$, because I give that away now, don’t I?

See how my partner in crime MonalisaSmiled filled out her survey —Ashley Madison End of Year Survey
2021 Is Going to BE GREAT for

Be a team player and join my email list — HERE for exclusive access to me. Ask questions, hear what I’m up to, and get a free pdf copy of my ebook —How to Cheat — Field Notes from an Adulteress
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2021

By Teresa J Conway on .

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Exported from Medium on April 8, 2021.

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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