Why Do I Feel Like the Most Boring Sex Writer on the Internet?

Seriously, Anne Landers probably made more people horny

Am I complaining about sex writing again? I sure am! I’ve written some erotica and have gotten some nice compliments on it, but my heart isn’t in it. I am a nerd, and I fall in love with a story just long enough to produce something in researching it.

My last completed work of erotica was about two astronauts traveling to the International Space Station. In the fall of 2018, as I was watching the mission getting ready to launch from Russia’s Baikonur Space Centre in Kazakhstan, I couldn’t help notice the cute blond American and the handsome Canadian together. They were saying goodbye to their families before their six month mission, which got me thinking about — sex in space.

So what did I do? I looked up the Russian Soyuz launch control sequence and added it to the dialogue. I then gave my cute blond a job as the flight engineer, a job one of the three crew members would have. So in my story, the spoken dialogue as they are running through the last few minutes before liftoff is what they would say.

I also used the time between the rocket’s stages to develop my theory that if you sat just right, the whole thing would be like a giant Mach 20 vibrator. I also examined the spaces on the ISS to see which one would be the best to have sex in, then wrote my story. So when I talk about foothold straps on the floor in the ISS toilet in the US sector, it’s because there are footholds there.

You might think it’s because I’m trying to give the reader an authentic read, but it’s just something to keep me interested in the story. I can write about the sex with my eyes closed and describe it this way and that, but after eight 5000+ word stories, it was getting boring.

And this brings me to my point. I am probably the most boring sex writer on the interwebs. I just can’t juice it up to describe ten ways to give the best blowjob or tell you what to do to please your man. I don’t give a shit about any of that until I’m naked and doing things with my lover. And because of covid, I find I’m not naked nearly as much as I want to be, but as frustrating as that is, I’m not writing about sex.

Will I ever write about sex again? Of course, as I write this, I’ve convinced myself Anna needs to come down from the ISS after a bit of hijinks. Perhaps she can head to the moon next for a little Moonbase Alpha sexy times. Who knows, my winter vacation is coming, and I must fill my time somehow.

There’s also a sexy tale about an Inuit ritual that I’d like to finish. Because I will not lie to you, the sex stories make me money here, no matter how clever I think I am or write about other stuff.

And what do I write about? Security and how to protect yourself, hide your affair, and most recently, how to thwart the private investigator’s your spouse hired. For some reason, that stuff fascinates the eight other people who read it in addition to me. Yes, nearly 500 people follow me, and eight read that dog! I just hope it was the right eight because I know more than a few people read me for the education rather than the entertainment value.

And I would love to say if only one person benefits from my writing… but I’d be lying. I’m glad someone might benefit, but I’m here for you to buy my book on Amazon! A book that now has a four-star rating!

Join my email list — HERE and get a free pdf copy of my ebook —How to Cheat — Field Notes from an Adulteress
Why I wrote a book on cheating.medium.com