The Bible on Adultery, with Sister Teresa

When men write books, what could go wrong?

Saint Mary, with a crown of flowers, her hands are held open to welcome the lord.
Photo by Maria Oswalt on Unsplash

The Bible is pretty down on cheaters in general.

And specifically hates women cheaters.

But when some people still use the Bible as a science, history, and sociology textbook, you have to take it seriously. Not because it’s a useful reference, of course, but to protect yourself from the people who believe society stopped evolving 2000 years ago. As a doctrine, it can be a pretty dangerous for women when the believers get fired up on their Jesus, guns, and family values.

In its own weird way, the Bible tells us the Lord isn’t down with cheating. Fo shizzle, but there’s “not down” and then there’s “going off the deep end.”

Hebrews 13:4

4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

So, anywhere else is good? Good to know.

Matthew 5:27–28

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Only applicable to straight dudes, lesbians and bi people (half the time) then? Are lusty-minded gays, straight ladies and bi people (half the time), ok? That sounds alright.

Luke 16:18

18 Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Eh? So dude divorces and remarries — adulterer. Dude marries a divorced chick — adulterer. What about her? See Romans 7.

Romans 7:2–3

2 by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. 3 So then, if she has sexual relations with another manwhile her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress.

What about if she has sex with a woman? Still good, or adulteress?

Matthew 5:31–32

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Matt, dude, slow down. Even by your own fucked up rules, she’ll only be the victim of adultery if she fucks someone else. So, if she plays your silly bible game and follows the rules by not sexing it up, while her ex is a live, she’s not an adulteress. Zealot much?

Relax Matt, I gotcha — we all know no one’s gonna play your silly Bible games, so we’ll get ready for eternal damnation.

John 8:4–11

4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let anyone of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you? 11 “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

It is nice to know Jesus didn’t think stoning chicks was cool, but that “then neither do I condemn you,” is a little concerning. Like, was he sticking around for the vote?

What if there was one dude left who was like,

“No, I’m good. Sin free since you washed them away baby! Besides, I paid like three shekels for this packet of gravel.”

Would J-man be like, “fuck ya! Let’s get this done!”?

I’m picking up your words J-man, but you sorta lost me there at the end.

I know. The Bible doesn’t want us to cheat, but come on, stoning women and calling them adulteress because their asshat hub kicked them to the curb and ran off with some other bitch? Please. That’s a bit much, isn’t it?

Come on Mary, get a grip on your men.

Word of the Lord.

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© Teresa J. Conway, 2020

By Teresa J Conway on .

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Exported from Medium on March 19, 2021.

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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