Dear Teresa, Adultery’s Dear Abby on Quora

Answering the questions you’re afraid to ask

Advice for Adulterers given by Dear Teresa
Myth busters. Image created by Redgirl Lee.

When I was young I used to read Dear Abby religiously. For fun, I would read the letter, then come up with my own advice, before reading what Abby had to say. I was wrong more often than not, but it’s something I still like to do, even though I find Abby Jr a little less engaging than her Ma.

Quora lets me channel my internal Abby, and so far, so good. I’m currently at 21,600 views and seven followers, and have answered 134 questions about adultery and relationships in general.

DEAR TERESA: What can I do to get over the idea that my ex-girlfriend cheated on me and kept denying it by saying I was overthinking when it turned out to be true after leaving each other? Should I confront her?

Dear Overthinker: What’s done is done. I would recommend you move on because no good will come of it now. What you can do is trust your instincts if you are ever in this situation again.

DEAR TERESA: How can I end an affair with a married woman?

Dear Ending It: Thank her for what you’ve shared and tell her it’s time for you to move on. It will hurt her and she won’t have anyone to talk to, but that’s life when you’re having an affair unfortunately. I don’t recommend ghosting her, because that’s the coward’s way out.

DEAR TERESA: If you are in a relationship, is sending flirty text messages to a work colleague cheating?

Dear Office Flirt: No, it’s not cheating, but that’s how affairs start. It is also how human resources complaints start. I would highly recommend not having an affair with a co-worker if you expect to keep both your primary relationship and your affair secret, because someone is bound to see and say something.

DEAR TERESA: What is one thing that all cheaters have in common?

Dear One Thing: I couldn’t say really. People cheat for all sorts of reasons. Some of them are quite surprising too, like the women who cheat to get out of a relationship with a controlling man who otherwise wouldn’t let them go. In that case, she gives the man a face-saving reason to tell his friends why he ended it. It gives him the appearance and feeling he’s in control and has been wronged, when in fact, she is playing him to get what she wants.

DEAR TERESA: What do cheating husbands think while wearing their wedding ring again on the way back home?

Dear Ring Bearer: This assumes they took it off, but they probably think about what a great night they had with their lover. Taking rings off is something some do and others don’t. For me, if I was seen out, people would expect to see my rings on, so it would be harder to explain why they weren’t. Explaining where they were if I’d forgotten them somewhere would also be difficult.

DEAR TERESA: Is there such thing as accidental cheating?

Dear Accident Waiting to Happen: No, unless your spouse is an identical twin and the other twin sleeps with you without telling you who he or she was, you are pretty much responsible for cheating.

DEAR TERESA: My best friend is a married man. We text a lot, never inappropriately. I don’t know if his wife knows. Is this wrong?

Dear No Sexts: No, but he still might have a hard time explaining it to his wife if he has not told her.

DEAR TERESA: What must I do to do to stop my boyfriend from cheating?

Dear Stopper: The best way is to keep having sex with him. If you don’t have sex with your spouse someone else will.

DEAR TERESA: What if you have a girlfriend, but you let another girl play with your hair? Is that considered cheating?

Dear Hair Play: No, but it could make people think you were cheating with her, or at least thinking about it. The girl playing with your hair may want a relationship with you as well, or may just want to ruin yours. There’s no good outcome here, so I recommend you stop, or get ready for the consequences.

DEAR TERESA: Is it right to trust my wife to talk to other men as friends?

Dear Insecure Asshole: Yes.

DEAR TERESA: Are cheaters impulsive or just risk takers?

Dear Impulsive vs Risk Taker: People who have one-night stands are typically impulsive whether they cheat or not. It also suggests a risk-taking form of behaviour, which is something a cheater might do, on top of being impulsive.

But some cheaters are neither. Some cheat to stay in their relationship, and so do it to make up for the lack of sex and intimacy at home. Some women will cheat to leave.

Some people cheat as others would pursue a hobby. Or cheat to fill another sort of hole in their lives, like an empty nest, and I can assure you, having a special friend to spend an afternoon with is a nice way to pass the time.

Like everything, there are many reasons why people cheat, and impulsivity and risk-taking are only two.

This article talks about the some of the pitfalls of falling in love with your affair partner —The Misery of Adulterous Love
The love that dare not speak its

This one talks about what to avoid starting down the path —How to Cheat — Avoiding Failure
What was I getting into? I needed to figure it out. I’d mostly decided to have an affair, but something was holding me…

And finally, here’s a plug for my book for the uber curious —How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress
How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress – Kindle edition by Conway, TJ. Download it once and read it on your…

Teresa J. Conway © 2020

By Teresa J Conway on .

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Exported from Medium on March 4, 2021.

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts.

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