When signs of your affair get out.
‘Mom! Why do you have a picture of your vagina on your phone?!!’ Good question. Why do I have a picture of my vagina?
When information about your affair gets out, it’s an info leak. Whether the person with the info knows what it is or not. Don’t let it become the worst day of your life.
Why did I have a picture of my vagina on my phone? Because I sent it to my affair partner. And I assure you, the picture could have been much, much worse.
I deleted it after I sent it, of course, but the iPhone also has a ‘recently deleted’ folder where things go for 30 days. I didn’t know that.
My daughter did. She double deletes goofy selfies we take, as I learned, so I can’t use them later to embarrass her.
Speaking of embarrassment.
To make it extra special, I was sitting with a girlfriend at our kitchen table. Asking for my phone, I told her I’d taken the picture because I’d felt something ‘down there’ and wanted to have a better look.
I then reminded her about my privacy and how there may have been a better way to ask those sorts of things in private. I also asked her not to tell dad because he worries. She was embarrassed by my life lesson, so never mentioned it again.
And that’s when I learned how to delete nudes.
I’m not sure how I pulled it off, but this was a well-handled security breach.
When you think your security is breached, remain calm and assess the problem.
If someone approaches you with something DON’T OVERREACT. Overreacting will give away more information than they have. Now they know the thing they have upsets you — they now have two clues. Instead, play it cool, concerned, and ignorant.
First — Dismiss their concern.
‘I’m not sure what you’re are talking about, let me have a look.’
If they let you, take your time considering what they are saying to give yourself a chance to come up with a story. As you do that, try steering the conversation to something else. Use consoling words and tones to reassure them. It’s how I got my phone back from my daughter.
‘I can see why you thought so, now that I look at it, but it isn’t that. Hey, did you remember to …?’ and off you go.
Second — Play it down.
Like I did when I said I thought I saw something.
‘I didn’t want to bother you with this, but this chick at work won’t leave me alone.’
‘I don’t want to cause problems with HR because she’s the type to accuse me of something.’
‘I don’t know where the hair on my jacket came from, but Cindy at work has hair like that.’
‘He’s just a friend.’
‘We joking around, I told you it’s how we are’.
‘It was harmless flirting, but I’ll knock it off if it will make you feel better.’
Third — Blame the victim.
As with my daughter, when I scolded her. Deflect the issue by making your own accusations. Gaslight them to make them doubt themselves.
‘When will you get over yourself and trust me?’
‘You are blowing this way out of proportion like you always do, calm down.’
‘Your trust issue isn’t my problem.’
‘I’m sick and tired of this, when are you going to realize this is all in your head?’
‘You should see your doctor because you’re seeing things that aren’t there.’
‘We ARE just friends, get with the program!’
Gaslighting is psychological abuse using false information to make a person doubt themselves. An example is moving things around on someone, so they’re sure to notice. When they say something, you then deny anything has moved. Tell them they “must be imagining things.”
For instance, it’s Monday night, and you are supposed to pick your daughter up from work. He reminds you, but you say you can’t because you’re going out. He insists, so you say, ‘I told you last week I was going out.’
The thing is, you didn’t. But you act so convincingly, he shrinks back. You invoke his lousy memory and scold him until he finally begins to doubt himself. And when that happens, he gives in, so you’ll stop yelling at him.
Gaslighting is a shitty thing to do, and so should be the last thing you try to cover an info leak. If you want to maintain your primary relationship, you might have to do it, though.
The bottom line is you have to stay calm and work to contain the damage.
Lie, minimize, and blame.
Learn more cheater skills more in my book –
How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress
By Teresa J Conway on .
Exported from Medium on March 4, 2021.